Going public

Last week, the New York Stock Exchange’s Dow Jones industrial average saw its greatest “one-day percentage gain in four years,” and this week it climbed past an index value of 14,000, which means it’s worth a whole lot of samoleons. Therefore, it seems like the market conditions are finally right to take this column public.\nWhoa, don’t go throwing money at me yet! There’s a long process to go through before this column’s initial public offering. I still need to fill out the paperwork with the Securities and Exchange Commission. Then there’s the chores that accompany that: assembling the legal team, having auditors go over the financial records, gathering all the info required for public disclosure by the SEC, shredding all the other info that I don’t want the SEC and public to know about, tying potential whistle-blowers to rocks and sinking them into the Jordan River ... I’m going to be busy for a while. \nBut in the interest of whetting your appetite, here are some things to consider when investing in this column:\n• A recent Harvard University study found that 60 percent of teenagers pay little attention to the news, and those who do prefer “soft stories about celebrities” to “hard news stories like congressional votes or developments in Iraq.” Given that the teenage demographic is one of the most desirable for advertisers, and that this column rarely, if ever, has any actual news value, this speaks well to its future profitability. And by using phrases like “nude coed,” “beer bong” and “Justin Timberlake,” the increased page views for this column’s online edition should raise profits that much more.\n• A column by Robert J. Samuelson for the July 23 issue of Newsweek currently up online has noted the declining presence of commas, both in personal discourse and in professional print. In “Economics 101” terms, this is called “scarcity,” and a decrease in the supply of something should, ceteris paribus, increase its price. You will note, that, this, column, has, quite, a few, commas, and, a tremendous, capacity, to, generate, more. Just imagine everyone lining up, looking for a little something to top off their “Sincerely’s”! And that’s not to mention that every share also gets you part-ownership of my colon.\n• And this isn’t even touching upon this column’s wonderful potential for extortion, finagling and assorted lucrative mischief. Why, look at what Whole Foods chief executive John Mackey was able to accomplish by anonymously posting online comments praising his company and dissing competitors (so as to lower their stock prices)! Imagine getting 500 words to do that every week. Why use a “sock puppet” (in non-geek: “a false online identity”), when I’m offering you a top-of-the-line, googly-eyed Muppet?\nSure, much of this might not be “legal,” per se. But, with high enough stock prices, that could take an awful long time for the courts to decide. Meanwhile, I’m sure I can post from, say, Cuba.