In case you missed it

Roll over lushes, it’s time to come back to reality!\nSpring break is a magical time filled with relaxing oceanic adventures, orgasmic boat tours and multiple trips to the porn store when your friends are out of town and you have less chance of getting caught. (Which reminds me, does anyone have a copy of “Are You My Daddy? Vol. 20” that I could borrow?)\nAlas, the white-sanded dreams of the week have given way to the unpleasant notion of returning to school. Unfortunately, many students seem too occupied during their time away to keep up with the news. After all, most college newspapers, which we know are your only sources of information, take the week off as well. The result is a student population returning to campus tremendously uninformed. You probably took time off of sucking straws and venerating Anna Nicole Smith’s grave to keep up with IU’s quest in the NCAA tournament. The team appreciates your support. They did, after all, have a tough time getting past the red-headed Catholic school girls from Gonzaga (which is a pretty good description of Gonzaga’s David Pendergraft). \nOther than basketball, however, it’s doubtful you kept up on much news over the past week. Fortunately, I kept a constant watch on C-Span and CNN when changing porno tapes. Here’s a sampling of the news you missed:\n• Valarie Plame Wilson, the CIA agent at the center of the I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby scandal and wife of former ambassador Joe Wilson, testified before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. Aside from stating information everyone was well aware of, Wilson received the coveted “Hottest CIA Agent” award. Matt Damon was ruled ineligible since he only portrayed an agent in a movie. What a crock!\n• Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and eight other presidential candidates spoke before the International Association of Fire Fighters in an effort to win the support of the 280,000-member labor union. Political analysts (read: I) predict the union’s endorsement will go to the candidate with the sexiest legs. At the moment that appears to be John McCain. In related news, while Hillary was addressing the firefighters, Bill Clinton was undressing the firefighters’ wives.\n• Sen. Sam Brownback, a conservative Republican, took heat from some of his Democratic counterparts in the presidential race when he publicly supported a recent statement by Gen. Peter Pace that homosexual acts are “immoral.” Brownback and Pace are justified in saying this as they’ve recently attained the respective positions of God and Jesus Christ. Brownback, under his Catholic faith, seems to prescribe to the classic “love the sinner, hate the sin” ideology. He doesn’t hate gays, he just hates it when they get it on. Following the same logic, Brownback loves terrorists but hates terrorism. Makes sense, right?\nThese stories were a mere sampling of the hard news items you partyers missed over the break. Anna Nicole may be gone, but she’ll never be forgotten, at least as long as the porn store stays open.