Hammy holidays

All I want for Christmas is a delicious meal. \nSure, for some people, Christmas (ahem, the "holidays") is about the magical love of the season, celebrating respective and meaningful religious holidays with family and appropriately enjoying beloved Christmas movies and music. To you, I say: Sorry, you have no personality.\nFor me, the holidays are about the diverse smorgasbord of food available at holiday parties. Because food is one of the two things I know so well (the other is the life cycle of a caterpillar), I'm prepared to discuss it at length. \nAppropriately, we start with dessert. Because I am not diabetic and because I am a glutton, I needn't limit my dessert intake when it comes to the aftermath of holiday meals. Some people will make sure they don't feel too full after dinner so that they can appreciate dessert items more. That's garbage. I've eaten too much only when solid foods penetrate my pores in the shower. \nPies are the most overrated desserts. If I wanted pie, I'd go to Thanksgiving dinner. Christmas dessert is about cookies. At the holiday celebrations I attend, usually every person brings some sort of small cake made from stiff, sweetened dough rolled and dropped by spoonfuls onto a flat pan and baked. M&M's cookies, no-bake cookies, those cookies with a Hershey's Kiss in the center -- those are the winners here.\nThe losers? The piece-of-shit sugar cookies people have their 6-year-olds slather with red icing mixed with their own saliva and topped with those silver-ball sprinkles you're really not supposed to eat. It's hard for me not to feel insulted when a family member thinks I might want to consume and digest something like that. Why don't you just give me pneumonia?\nOn to appetizers. If your family is like mine, it's not difficult to fill up on the pre-meal fixings people bring, which is a wonderful way also to ensure dangerously high blood-sugar levels.\nHam can be an effective component to almost any appetizer. For use on a cracker with cheese? Yes. For use in chip dip? Yes, please. For use in a tropical-juice, Sprite and sherbet punch? I'll have seven.\nOn the other hand, when I witness a bag of, say, Fritos on the appetizer table among spinach dips and fresh veggie trays, someone gets strangled. I'm trying to celebrate the birth of Christ here! You think salty corn chips are going to be fulfilling? You're sick.\nThere's so much I could say about the main meal. Walking in a line with Uncle Ray in the kitchen and spooning green beans and mashed potatoes onto a Styrofoam plate is a beautiful thing. Still, word count limits me.\nOK. I'm not really so narrow-minded and food-obsessed. Of course, food is a traditional and even meaningful part of the season for most. But certainly the most important thing about the holidays is showing how much you love the people in your life.\nAnd this is best done with crescent rolls.