Finally, Finals

Dishin' it out\nI've had to write and administer a fair number of final exams. And while it's undoubtedly less stressful than taking them, there are reasons why proctor and proctologist come from the Latin root word for "pain in the ass." (OK, I totally made that up, but it sounded good.) So here are a few insights that should help students and instructors alike.\nAfter meticulously crafting an intellectually rigorous noncumulative two-hour essay exam on theories of international trade, few things are more discouraging than students turning in their blue books after only 20 minutes. If you do this, you will likely fail the exam. If you're done early -- say, after an hour -- go back and add more information to your answers. We're far more likely to sympathize with those who struggle up to the last minute (even though they're usually not perfect students) than those who treat the exam like a breeze.\nCome prepared! I can't speak for every department, but if you don't bring your own writing implements for political science exams, you might end up with a wee little golf pencil. \nFinally, I know this is a rough time of year health-wise. But on behalf of instructors everywhere, could you please, please try to take some basic sanitary measures? Like don't sneeze on the exam before handing it in? This might be an appealing revenge, but ask yourself: Do you want to be graded by an instructor ripped on cough syrup?\nTakin' it hard\nIt's T-minus 30 minutes and counting until your final. \nYou've been studying since 9 a.m. the day before. There's just no more room in that tangled mess of neurons for one last dead president, another specie of Codfish or the orbital velocity of Mars. If you're forced to remember where you put your keys, you might forget how to walk. \nRelax. You're going to be fine -- tomorrow.\nRight now, though, you're completely and absolutely screwed. It's time to start thinking about alternatives to graduating. Opening a bar is always a popular choice. Mexico wouldn't be so bad either. At least you'll save your parents the crushing disappointment of a child who is a torpid, drooling loser who never learned how to fasten Velcro.\nT-minus 10 minutes. \nYou don't have a pencil. You can't figure out if you have the purple or the lavender version of the test. You're so nervous that your nose starts bleeding. Your paper bag just ripped. Is this even the right class?\nBreathe. You know this stuff, don't you?\nNever mind. It'll all be over in about 90 minutes. Just look like you're busy, and for the love of God, try to spell your name right this time. No, Scantron forms don't have spell check.\nSo many letters, so many answer choices. C. Article II outlines the Executive. A. Smooth muscle is nonstriated. D. The indefinite integral is the "antiderivative." B. $5 pitchers at Scotty's Brewhouse.\nT-plus 5 minutes. \nThat wasn't so bad, was it? The professor called you a what? Well, Biff, it doesn't sound like you're cut out for this college thing. I hear Bernard is looking for a driver.