Coats of injustice

In 1776, Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence that all men are created equal. This was one of the most crucial elements of American democracy, created back when our nation was an emaciated baby with a big head. (But not cute like TomKat's or Brangelina's baby. Probably more like what I imagine Conan O'Brien and Calista Flockhart's pilgrim love-child would look like.)\nWell, what most history books neglect to mention is what happened after that. Thomas, angry with not being able to find a winter coat that accentuated his rockin' biceps, added a footnote to the Declaration of Independence. It said, "All men are created equal -- but all coats most certainly are not."\nThat's right. After the pilgrims and the Indians broke bread and passed out because of tryptophan, they sure didn't wake up at 5 a.m. to make it to the Kohl's early bird extravaganza sale for Christmas napkins and bargain treadmills. \nBut fortunately, corporate America has eaten our morals, and Thanksgiving is now more about guerrilla warfare shopping than cranberry sauce and awkward conversations about the Home Shopping Network with your Aunt Eileen. And for most of you volatile shoppers out there, the temperature is dropping and a winter coat is top priority. So what should you buy?\nFirst of all, unlike Bloomington, your hometown's mandatory winter uniform probably isn't a black North Face fleece, so let's break those shackles loose. \nThere are oodles of coats to choose from this winter, and they'll all keep you feeling toasty but looking even hotter. Military coats are the cat's meow of November. They're great both short and long, especially paired with a nice knee-high boot. Typically, they have brass buttons and a built-in belt -- great details that set you apart from the crowd.\nNext in the hierarchy comes the classic peacoat. It works in wool, tweed or corduroy and emanates an air of sophistication, even if you're wearing one of those silk-screened golden retriever sweatshirts underneath. And hey, peacoats worked for sailors! Even the ones with scurvy probably got laid when they wore their peacoats. \nWhen you're looking for either a military-style or a peacoat, try on a few with empire waists. It's an easy way to dress up a casual coat without making it too swanky to sport at the local White Castle. \nIf none of these tickles your furry fancy, there will always be the classic trench coat. The trench is like that guy who always drunk texts you at 1 in the morning to see "what up." He'll get the job done, but he probably won't cuddle afterward. Similarly, the trench is a great backup, though it won't keep you as warm as a one-night stand with wool. Wear it with a thick sweater, though, and you'll never know the difference.\nFor those die-hard puffy coat martyrs out there, I have not forgotten about your cause for zippers and faux-fur-trimmed hoods. If you have already sold your soul to the nylon/acrylic devil, at least try hunting for a vintage-style puffy coat. Avoid solid colors, especially bright, traffic conductor colors. That's just asking for it. Also, there is such a thing as too much puff. If strangers keep asking you, "Where is your igloo?" or make jokes about how you make the U.S. budget deficit look small, you better shed some synthetic pounds.\nSo Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and have a happy (and safe) day-after-Thanksgiving shopping slaughterhouse. Let's hope that black eye matches your new winter wardrobe. Thomas Jefferson would be so proud.