Kinsey Confidential

QUESTION: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a few years, and everyone, including him, is hinting toward a marriage proposal. I love him and he is my best friend, but for as long as I can remember, I have been attracted to women. I have great relationships with men, friends and lovers, but the majority of my fantasies focus on other women. Up to this point in my life, I have not had the opportunity to have a sexual encounter with a woman. Now that the prospect of marriage has come up, I'm afraid that I will make the wrong choice. I could marry him, my best friend, and always wonder what it would be like to be with a woman. Or I could end the relationship, and see if I could have the sexually passionate relationship I would like with a woman. However, I'm afraid that I wouldn't find the friendship, support and trust that I have with him. I guess part of my question is: what does it mean to be gay? I am attracted to women sexually (not really turned on by men sexually), but I can make deep, meaningful connections with men, while I have trouble establishing friendships with women. Sex with my boyfriend is not bad, but he really has to work (which he does do) to get me to orgasm. (I love him even more for that.) Is being gay only about sexual preference? When does emotional attachment come into play? Thanks. \nANSWER: Thanks for your questions. Sexual orientation is very complex and there is no standard way -- even among researchers -- to define at what point one is best described as homosexual (lesbian or gay), heterosexual (straight) or bisexual. \nSome sex researchers and educators define sexual orientation as the pattern of romantic and sexual attraction that one feels based on his or her gender and the gender of the person he or she is interested in. The difficulty, of course, is that emotional and physical feelings and attraction don't always go hand-in-hand. In your case, for example, you have deep friendships with men but apparently greater sexual attraction for women. It seems like you've tried to "work on" the sexual aspects with your male partner, but have you tried to work on developing more meaningful friendships (with greater emotional depth) with women? Some sex researchers and educators feel that a fundamental task of sexual development is to develop the ability to have respectful communication as well as meaningful friendships/relationships with both men and women. It might be that you did not have as many opportunities to develop close relationships with women, but could if you wanted to. Then again, it's hard to say how malleable the capacity for friendships and emotional attachments might be.\nOne resource that might be helpful is to consider counseling on campus or in the community. Professional counseling services are confidential and the experience might provide you with additional information about these issues related to sexual orientation, sexual desire and friendship. Also, you might find support and guidance in such a setting or through a campus or community organization related to GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) issues. You can also check out www.pflag.org (PFLAG stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays and it is an excellent resource for additional information about sexual orientation). \nIt seems like you're struggling with issues that many men and women -- regardless of sexual orientation -- encounter. Specifically, discovering what factors are most important to you in a relationship (e.g., friendship, sexual attraction, trust, support, intimacy, common interests, etc.) and at what point one is "settling" if you don't have everything you want in a partner. This is a common enough issue that many people seek counseling in order to explore in deeper ways, and on top of it, you also have questions related to sexual orientation.\nI'm sorry there aren't more concrete answers to these age-old questions, but perhaps the local counseling services or other resources (e.g., information and support resources) might provide good options as well. This is an important topic for you to sort through so it is worth spending some time continuing to gather information, think it through and talk over with someone.