The best in bathroom writing

The United States of America:land of the free, home of the brave, cesspool for the non-sensical and abstract. \nThis week we begin a series of riveting columns that explore the various identities that countless philosophers, commentators, bloviators, crime scene investigators and all around terrorist-loving freedom-haters have used in their assessments of our culture. Since summer has officially come to an end with the recent passing of Labor Day (What about the Fall Equinox, you ask? Screw scientists with their theories and facts. They can't even get Pluto right!), let us reflect on time spent in that traditional summer pastime: brush cutting in Crawford, Texas ... I mean road-tripping.\nSpending time on the road can yield much about the fabric of our great country. I've had the opportunity over the last several years to criss-cross this great nation numerous times, with each instance granting me a new sense of appreciation for how much I hate corn. What I do love, however, about driving to new places is the absolute freak show known as bathroom walls. The following are some examples of the gems I've encountered in my travels, along with some useful insights of what such markings really mean. I'd encourage the discerning reader to truly take the following phrases to heart and submit to me classic bathroom sayings that you've run across in your travels. These, by the way, are completely true.\n"Please remember to flush twice ... It's a long way to the kitchen." \n-- Sign in a gas station on I-5, south of Sacramento, Calif.\nIndeed, I adhered to protocol and flushed twice. Immediately I was transported via Star Trek technology to a kitchen that seemed entirely too far away.\n"I sit here, buns a flexin'. Look out below, I dropped a Texan. -- (Signed) an Okie." \n-- Outhouse wall in Denali State Park, Alaska.\nThe fact that this person's hatred for said Texans extended all the way to Alaska points out what everyone in the United States has thought for a long time: Texas sucks.\nAnd lastly (I swear I'm not making this up, but I have edited it for the sake of not being fired):\n"Die you crack-addicted rat low-life scum of a Nazi. Pig-dog syphilitic corpse lover."\n-- Road-side rest stop, somewhere in the northern Yukon Territory.\nUnderneath someone had responded:\n"Nazis don't smoke crack you idiot!"\nI'd have to be in general agreement on that one; Nazis probably didn't do crack. They were much too high-brow for such trashy drugs. Now crystal meth -- that's a drug that can make you invade Poland!\nSo, there you have it folks, a little slice of Americana for you to chew on and promptly spit out. \nSend your favorite bathroom entries for the "Writing on the Wall Project" to sleading@indiana.edu. Or, you can follow the advice of this classic entry:\n"For a rockin' good time call Bill at 555-LOVE"\n -- Bathroom at Fox News.