My fellow Hoosiers

Last week I came before you a proud and confident man. This week -- older, wiser and threatened with death because of my words about the IU sociology department -- I come to you equally as cocky.\nThis week is all about the future. What does it hold? What can we expect now that I claim to be the best candidate for IU president? For a sneak peak of what is to come after President Herbert's departure, I've taken the liberty of providing you with what will be my first address to the IU population after taking office. Here it is:\n"Students, faculty, staff, uptight and interfering donors:\n"It is my pleasure to stand here as your chosen leader. This office commands integrity, compassion and virtue, three words that I have recently referenced in a dictionary. Now that I know their definitions, I will strive to act like I care about them. \n"We are quite literally at a crossroads at this institution. Highways 37 and 46 intersect somewhere near our great campus, and I suppose this is what a crossroads is. The motto of this state says that Indiana is the crossroads of America, which must mean that every road in the country intersects somewhere in a cornfield. This is good, for no other legitimate reason exists for people to come to Indiana. \n"I must admit that I am largely a foreigner to your state. I hail from Washington, and not the one with Bushes and shrubs, but the one with pine trees and mountains. It is upon these mountains that we build trust, and I come before you to ask you to trust me in my new role. Allow me to present to you my top priorities:\n"First, I promise to bring you more school dances, a longer lunch period and more dodge balls for the playground. This strategy got me elected student body president in middle school, and it will not fail me now. Some of you might be thinking that higher education doesn't need dances, lunch periods or playground equipment, but the Bloomington Faculty Council has already called the jungle gym -- so tough. \n"Second, every student shall receive free tickets to IU football games. What's that you say? You don't care about the football team? Well, neither do I. That's why we shall band together and scalp these tickets in the parking lot for large profits. We will use the money to build an unnecessarily large $55 million sports complex that only gets marginal use. Any remaining money will go toward a giant gold statue of Bobby Knight that will be worshiped on a daily basis.\n"I know that I have large shoes to fill. I only hope that I can accomplish half the very few and unmemorable things the previous administration has accomplished. To paraphrase Steven Colbert, the president who governs best is the president who governs least, and by this standard, President Herbert has been exceptional. Thank you, and God bless IU"