An energized nation

Recently, while indulging my tastes buds with a Polar Pop, I was surprised to find that the gas station fountain of carbonated sugary delights now includes an energy drink, specifically, one called "Go Ape Energy". Now before you all drop the paper and head out to throw down 63 cents (including tax) on a 32 oz mug of energy just hear me out. \nAt first I was a bit baffled and started to think, "you know these energy drinks are really getting out of control." Then I realized that really the consumer market isn't saturated enough with energy-infused products. The energy craze has only just begun.\nNow, when I talk about energy products I'm not referring to natural energy, you know, stuff like fruit, vegetables, legumes, nuts, berries -- basically anything that could be gathered in a forest. I'm talking about the chemically alloyed energy drinks that tote energized names like ROCKSTAR, Monster Energy, Red Bull, Vault and, my personal favorite, Crunk Juice, a tantalizing little concoction created by my man Lil' John and his posse of loud, fast-talking Eastside Boyz.\nIf you haven't noticed, energy is really "in" right now. I remember when a simple cup of coffee would jumpstart any college student's day. These days our drug choices have changed with the tides of time, and now it is not uncommon to roll out of bed, crack open a cool ROCKSTAR and artificially supercharge one's day. \nTo be fair, the energy found in these drinks is really nothing more than high levels of caffeine and sugar. Well, that and some fun little mystery additives such as niacin, Panthothenic acid (mmmm...), taurine, glucuronolactone, D-Pantothenol and of course, the color red. The drinks give you a nice nimble rush of caffeine and sugar and when mixed with alcohol, do all sorts of craziness to the human body. But hey, it's energy.\nIf you think about it energy products have been around for quite some time. In the '90s products like Gatorade and PowerBars enabled athletes to gain higher endurance and agility while making the rest of us just feel like we were high endurance athletes. During the decadent 1980s people got their energy fixes with, you know, cocaine, which despite being labeled a "drug" was really just a highly potent source of artificial energy that created armies of self-indulgent minions of douchebagery. \nIt's only a matter of time before energy will be sprinkled on just about everything. I won't rest until the day comes when I am able to buy energized milk in the local grocery store. It's only a matter of time before Axe body spray will add energy to their lineup of scented man-mists. While dining out I want to be able to say to a waiter, "I'll have the salmon but, you know, it's late, hold the energy." In the future fruit and crunchy granola will be the thing of the past. Boca burgers will be used as fertilizer, and life as you know it will be slightly more energized.