Question: I seem to be suffering from the "minuteman" syndrome. Granted I haven't had sex in more than a year or so, and just recently started to again, but it is kind of embarrassing. I was thinking of switching from the ultra-sensitive condoms to something thicker ... maybe to desensitize a little bit, but I don't want to lose any of the good feeling. Although, at this point, I may have to make a sacrifice. Any recommendations?
Answer: Many men want to learn to delay ejaculation ("last longer"). Sometimes this is because they want to experience sexual pleasure for longer, or because they feel it would make them seem like a better lover. Other times men feel the need to delay ejaculation because they feel like they need to last long enough to "give" their partner an orgasm (can an orgasm really be "given"?). \nIt is common for men to come more quickly than they would like when they are young, just beginning to have sexual experiences or -- as you mentioned -- beginning to have sex again after a period of time without it. Often men find that with experience and/or practice, they are able to last longer. \nFor men who don't notice a spontaneous improvement, there are some strategies that have been found to be helpful. You mentioned one of these, which is to change the condom type in order to decrease sensation to the penis, thereby delaying excitement and ejaculation. \nSome men do this by using a standard or thicker condom (rather than condoms marketed for their sensitivity or thin latex); others try "desensitizing" condoms (e.g. Durex Performax and Trojan Extended Pleasure condoms are two examples). Desensitizing condoms typically include a numbing agent like benzocaine to decrease sensation to the penis. Unfortunately, a small percentage of men become so "numbed" that they lose their erection; others develop skin irritation to the numbing agent. \nChanging the condom type works for some men, but others see this as a last resort. After all, they are having sex because it feels good, so why reduce the sensation? Also, changing the condom type may only be a short term solution. \nEnter the stop-start and squeeze technique, two techniques that have been taught for decades to men who want to improve their ejaculatory control. This is how they work: First, a man needs to identify his "point of no return" which is the point at which -- no matter what -- he will ejaculate. Then during masturbation, he should stimulate his penis right up to the moment before this point, and then either stop all stimulation (for stop-start) or gently squeeze the tip of the penis (for the squeeze technique), and allow his arousal to slightly decrease before beginning stimulation again, and repeating the cycle few times. A more detailed description of these two techniques can be found on the KISISS web site. Both techniques have a good track record of helping men learn to control the timing of their ejaculation and the skills learned in each can be transferred from masturbation alone to sex with a partner. \nIn other cases, men may come more quickly than they would like because of anxiety, stress or even concerns about hurting their partner, particularly if their partner has a history of experiencing pain during sex. In these cases, relaxation exercises, sex therapy and communicating with one's partner may all play an important role. \nMore recently, some doctors and researchers have found that certain anti-depressants might be helpful in terms of delaying ejaculation, though some researchers emphasize that pills may be better off as a last resort as ejaculatory control can often be improved through non-medical means such as the stop-start and squeeze techniques, relaxation exercises or sex therapy. \nFinally, for men who have female partners, it is worth noting that the pressure men put on themselves to last longer so that their partner can have an orgasm is often unnecessary. Not all women orgasm through intercourse and, in fact, oral sex and hand (or vibrator) stimulation of a woman's genitals are often more effective means of women's orgasm than intercourse.
