Facebook fun

Attention students: Jacob Stewart has updated your wall on The Facebook. \nMessage reads as follows: "WOOOOO, WHAT WAS IT WITH THAT DONKEY ON SATURDAY NIGHT!!!"\nIf this were a real message, potential employers could have a good laugh and then discard your application by locking it in a safe, binding it with chains and throwing it into Lake Michigan.\nIn a recent Indiana Daily Student report, IU faculty members warned against the use of derogatory or offensive descriptions in profiles of the widely popular Web site www.Facebook.com. Claiming that employers have gained access to the site, many cautioned students about appearing irresponsible on the site.\nI feel the need to say this: Anyone who would use The Facebook as a means of determining whom to hire in head-to-head competition is a prat and, quite possibly, a hypocrite.\nThis is my vision. A corporate vice president spends much of his busy afternoon cruising The Facebook for applicants for one of his higher-paying positions. Seeing that applicant No. 1 is a member of the group "Already Got My Drinking Ticket (or Probably Will Soon)" and that applicant No. 2 loves the Beatles and all other things happy, the business guru chooses applicant No. 2, glad he avoided the alcoholic activities of No. 1. Quite pleased with his moral judgment, the man promptly gets into his Lexus (purchased with embezzled money), calls Big Jimmy to get a prostitute for the night, pulls out a dime bag of marijuana, lights one up and inhales deeply. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of American morality.\nAfter reading the IDS story, rather than being compelled to remove myself from any group or friendship that might make me look the slightest bit dirty, I joined "Procrastinators United" out of sheer spite, daring people to judge me on a stupid social forum blatantly conducive for false rebellious expression (or in simpler terms, saying that I drink far too much and wake up naked in strange places often ... it only happened once). \nRecently, photos have been posted on the site of some of my friends performing actions that can only be described as, well, binge drinking. I must proclaim that these are some of the greatest photos on the planet. If I were an employer, the fact that an applicant could beer-bong two tall-boy Coors Lights would be an indication that they aren't afraid to take on a heavy load of work. Someone surrounded by different types of liquor in photographs would be praised for their multi-functionality. And if actual employers don't agree with me, then this is my response: I have plans to take a picture of myself shirtless with the words "Hire This!" in bright red on my back with an arrow pointing to my butt.\nWhen posting on The Facebook, I wouldn't worry too much about posting things that are less than proper. Be your drunken, social self. This is Jacob Stewart, president of the Facebook group "Jon Stewart Could Steal My Girlfriend," signing off.