The magic whistle

Where in the world is Rosie O'Donnell?\nReplace that fabulously over-sized red hat with a pair of Birkenstocks and Rosie O'Donnell is merely the talk show equivalent of Carmen Sandiego. \nAfter dropping her TV career to become a full-time lesbian, she seemed to disappear, fading into thin air like a poof of homosexual smoke. \nUnbeknown to many, Rosie O'Donnell is still alive. In fact, she's in the midst of fighting a Mario-like gay adoption quest, dueling political Bowsers in an attempt to bring justice to the American kingdom.\nUnfortunately, there is no magic whistle for equality. \nFor years, she has struggled with the inability to adopt her foster child. According to state law in Florida, where she resides, gay and lesbian individuals and same-sex couples are prohibited from adopting. Utah and Mississippi share this oppressive law. \nThe only things gay people can adopt in these states are highways and whales. And frankly, it's quite embarrassing to introduce your son when he's got a mouth full of kelp.\nIn the last two years, nearly a dozen other states have considered restricting gay parenting as well. In fact, according to an article by the Purdue Exponent, Indiana state legislators have attempted to implement a gay adoption prohibition three out of the last four years.\nApparently, there is more than corn in Indiana. There's ignorance! \nUnfortunately, the latter is harder to pop. This ignorance is fueling two main arguments against gay adoption. \nThe first argument centers around the naïve assumption that children of gay parents will suffer psychological damage. \nThis claim is undeniably bull funk. According to the academic article "Does the Sexual Orientation of Parents Matter?," by examining "21 unbiased psychological studies," researchers found "no noticeable differences between children raised by heterosexual parents than those raised by gay and lesbian parents."\nThus, this argument is nothing more than an illogical lollipop. By licking past the sugar-coated exterior, it becomes apparent that the core is merely filled with a big glop of Tootsie bullshit. \nThe second argument is that gay parents will "brainwash" their kids into becoming homosexual, as if every time a boy reached for a basketball, he would be hit with a throw pillow and forced to re-upholster an antique chair. This is ridiculous multiplied by four. The fact is homosexuals want the same thing heterosexuals want. \nWe want to have a family. We want to spoil our kids. We want to wait for them at the bus stop. We want to tuck them in. We want to buy them Nix the first time they get lice. And above all, we want to protect them.\nThe equal protection clause of the U.S. Constitution grants us these rights. If we are to remain true to the doctrines of freedom as composed by our Founding Fathers, gay adoption needs to be legalized nationwide: no ifs, ands or bigoted buts. \nAnd until these rights are granted, we will continue to fight.\nMoreover, Rosie will continue to fight. \nAnd believe me, there is nothing scarier than Koosh ball-shooting lesbians.