Pope Michael

Now that Pope John Paul II has been laid to rest, the question of his successor presses heavily on the Catholic and political world. Monday, the cardinals will meet to begin the selection process, which, according to Cardinal Varkey Vithayathil, will take up to three days. In the interest of expediting this process so as to return the Catholic Church to a sense of stability, I would like to offer up a nominee that the Cardinals will immediately see is the perfect choice for the position: Michael Jackson.\nIt is evident that Jackson has numerous qualities that make him an ideal candidate for the papacy. He transcends all definitions of race, which removes him from the potential racial/national entanglements of previous popes. Jackson is also familiar with the proceedings of leading a vast network of people, thanks to his previous role as "King of Pop." But I believe Jackson's most important quality is the segment of the media devoted to him; if Jackson were pope, all the media time and energy directed toward both papal proceedings and the Jackson criminal trial would be under one umbrella, allowing more media time for other subjects.\nThink of the benefits that this could mean for broadcast news viewers. The media sensationalism of Jackson's case has prevented the public from hearing matters that will probably have more impact on their lives. Constant no-news updates regarding the pope, such as "he's not dead yet" and "people are still sad that he's dead" are a waste of media time. Similarly, constant updates on "Jacko was late for his trial" and "Jacko waved on his way into court" are a waste. A combination of the two into one subject, however, could free broadcast media minutes, giving the news services time to report on subjects that are, say, important. \nIf Jackson were pope, the media would be free to cover such things as the political upheavals in the Middle East and Central Asia. Lebanon and Kyrgyzstan are making dramatic shifts in their governments, arguably because they have seen the relative success of similar movements in Iraq. Yet the events receive only cursory coverage. \nCurrently, the United States is potentially responsible for a domino effect of revolution in an oil- and terrorist-rich region. Yet the two big stories on the Fox News Channel at the time this column was written were a has-been pop star's child molestation case and the Vatican's opening up of John Paul II's tomb for the public. Thank goodness Fox is dedicated to telling its viewers they can now get 20 feet closer to a grave on the other side of the world. \nBut it's not just Jackson. CNN is dedicating a regular time slot to covering inconsequential, but "high-profile" events. "Showbiz Tonight," at 7 p.m. every weekday on CNN Headline News, features anchors interviewing celebrities and discussing the finer details of so-and-so's new dress or who's attending which concerts. Last time I checked, churning out celebrity drama was the business of "E!" and the magazines in the grocery store checkout lane -- not for a respected cable news channel. \nInstead of coverage of events that could shape international economics and politics, we get Brad and Jennifer's divorce. While Jackson's election could not entirely repair the media's move to report on largely irrelevant subjects, it could help.\nThe Catholic Church, as an international organization concerned for the education of the people, simply has no better option for the next pope than Michael Jackson. His election would have a far-reaching effect in raising the world population's awareness of current events. Was it not one of their greatest that said "Mederemini mundum. Facite huc loco melius"? (Heal the world; make it a better place.)