Axe and you shan't receive

Did something die in here, or did I just miss my cue to throw myself at a pheromone-drenched young stud?\nThe May 2005 issue of Blender, a music magazine fully aware that it appeals mainly to young males, is chock-full of ads aimed at its demographic audience. Nothing unusual in that, but a full-page Axe Deodorant Body Spray ad caught my eye when I noticed that it had a CD-ROM attached. Such ad campaign extravagance deserved further investigation, in my opinion, so I popped it in.\nThe program -- rated "PO" for "Playas Only" -- begins with hostess Naomi ("Spelled backwards, do you know what that says? Tee-hee!") emerging, amidst a cloud of Axe, from an enormous can like some sort of latter-day Barbara Eden. In a seductive purr, she narrates her busty blonde sidekick's dramatic enactments of a few of the many scenarios in which dousing your bad self with Axe will render hot chicks weak against your awesome aromatic powers. \nGranted, I am a mere average-looking brunette. But I walk past an average of a dozen guys on campus every day whose Axe odors send me retching into a fetal position, not panting into a rapturous olfactory tailspin. Are these V.I.X.E.N.S. (Very Interactive Xtremely Entertaining Naughty Supermodels) from the CD-ROM equipped with a superior sense of smell, in addition to legs for days and washboard abs, which enables them to appreciate the scent of Axe in a way I can't?\nThe widespread use of Axe would suggest this is the case. However, the variable in this situation is that I am most definitely not the only woman on campus who doesn't require surgical removal from these men as they walk past me. As a matter of fact, I've never witnessed any women mauling male Axe wearers outside of TV or magazine ads. \nYet these ads have proven to be quite effective in persuading men that wearing Axe will cause exactly that sort of phenomenon. Axe's parent company, Unilever, touts the product as the "world's most popular male grooming brand" on its Web site. The site also proclaims that "Axe has taken the red pill," a reference to Neo's choice between the hum-drum "blue pill" and the exciting, unpredictable "red pill" in "The Matrix."\nObviously, wearing the No. 1 cologne in the world is a dramatic, devil-may-care departure from the status quo.\nI guess the average man is desperate enough for female companionship -- and plenty of it -- to follow the example of even the most implausible TV commercial or magazine ad. When you can believe that a canned scent is your key to a Casanovan legacy, you can convince yourself that your five-figure salary and four-figure weight will no longer cause women to run from you like fat-camp escapees fleeing a Pizza Hut salad bar.\nBut unfortunately, sex appeal cannot be purchased in aerosol form. If it could, it would certainly cost more than $4.99 a pop. Relying on Axe ads as a dating instructional manual is pathetic and self-delusional. Borrowing a friend's Lab puppy and taking it for a walk through Dunn Meadow is exponentially more likely to get you some tail.\nHowever, if a spritz of the stuff is all it takes to equip you with the kind of confidence that real women actually are attracted to, then more power to you. Just take it easy when you spray, though. No woman will go for a man who leaves a trail of dead flowers and cuddly critters in his wake.\nUnless, of course, he's just run them over in his gleaming new Porsche.