This being the last week of columns for the semester, traditionally many writers will offer seniors a little tidbit of advice. However, because I refuse to cope with reality and actually graduate, I am probably not the best person to give that advice. Instead, I'd like to offer a little practical help. \nRight now, you are still on the lowest rung of the employment hierarchy, and your boss knows that and doesn't hesitate to take full advantage.\nBut soon, IU graduates will be forced to quit their McJobs and begin a new epoch of real employment. With all of the worries of graduation, relocating and buying professional new clothes, seniors should not have to cope with the stress of composing their two weeks' notice (or what will come to be called your "letter of resignation" in your future career). Thus, I offer all of you a simple template you can fill in and sign to suit your quitting needs.
To Whom It May Concern:\nI regret to inform you that, because of my impending graduation, I will not be able to continue my employment at your establishment. I am grateful for all the opportunities that I have been given, but it is simply time for me to move on.\nIn the past (x amount of years, months, and days), I have become a lifeless shell of a human being, devoid of all emotional context, humiliated to the point of self-loathing, the lowest common denominator of existence. Although in the beginning, I was able to separate my work life from my real life, lately work has been seeping into my reality like a leak in a toxic waste dump.\nEssentially, I can no longer sacrifice my sanity for the pittance wages I receive. Through my job here, I have learned the economic reality of a psychological disorder, and as my so-called insurance does not cover mental health, a simple cost-benefit analysis has taught me that working here is not worth the years of therapy I will need to recover.\nSo thank you again for all the lessons I have received in economics, timeliness and sacrifice; I will remember them for years to come. \nSincerely yours,\nYour former employee
When you go to turn this in, walk in with your head held high -- remember, you have triumphed. Don't forget how your boss conveniently remembered that you were "only" a student when it came to raises, opportunities and scheduling but conveniently forgot it when you needed time off to study for finals or when he/she wanted you to work overtime during school weeks. Your accomplishment is not to be taken lightly.\nDon't get me wrong; I am not saying your former job isn't respectable employment. Many people will lead fulfilled lives having a similar occupation the whole time they are in the workforce. But, you know deep down that your boss hired you, at least in part, because you are a college student; therefore, you are expendable and he/she doesn't have to pay you as a full-time employee would be paid.\nNow, you have risen above the lowly "student" status into the ranks of alumni. Remember this when your boss asks you to cover "just a few more shifts" before you hightail it out of town. But this is no time to be sentimental, and if you show any signs of weakness, you will be vulnerable to your boss's highly trained, superhuman psychological powers.\nFinally, congratulations again on your achievements and be grateful that you've maintained at least some shred of human dignity along the way. Later, you and your therapist will look back on this and laugh.
