Queer as fake

When it's sweeps week, you can't lose with lesbian chic.\nSeveral networks desperate for stellar ratings whipped out the big guns this month. Most notably, Fox yanked "The O.C." out of its sophomore slump via a smoldering "lesbian" kiss between Marissa and Alex.\nI use the term "lesbian" loosely because, frankly, I'm hesitant to call prime time girl-girl couples "lesbians." I suspect the portrayals of lesbian relationships on the boob tube -- no pun intended -- are just shy of accurate.\nBut dude -- they sure are hot, huh? I mean, two chicks at once! Yowza!\nHot, as long as said chicks swing both ways. If there's no possibility of a man getting down their lace thongs, it's a different story.\n" 'Sweeps' lesbians typically vanish or go straight when the week's over," a New York Times article said last week. That's true; there's about as much room for exclusively lesbian characters on network TV now as there is for gay male characters who don't make stereotypically swishy spectacles of themselves, à la Jack from "Will and Grace."\n"'The O.C.''s stunt," the Times says, "is ... winning props from fans for showing a lesbian relationship over time and not merely presenting it as a one-off gimmick."\nSomehow, Fox has managed to convince viewers that it's performing a civil service.\nThose involved with this type of "character development" on a show that openly touts itself as a "guilty pleasure" can clap themselves on the backs all they want, but the truth is any girl-on-girl action presented is primarily a ratings booster. If it inadvertently promoted tolerance of gay men and lesbians as well, that would be great. But it paints an idealized picture. \nFirst of all, like all women, lesbians vary vastly in physical appearance. For every "lipstick lesbian" who could pass for Jenna Jameson, there are dozens who look more like Rosie O'Donnell. \nSecondly, people are garnering the misconception from these shows that female sexuality comes equipped with a handy "on-off switch" to enable women to toggle between gay or straight to suit the occasion. \nThat kind of misinformation is potentially catastrophic for naïve grade-school viewers. Isn't adolescence sexually confusing enough already? Because young guys are being spoon-fed the notion that lesbianism is strictly experimental -- or that it's interchangeable with bisexuality -- gay women coming to grips with their exclusive homosexuality are left feeling just as defective as they've always been made to feel. In addition, straight women also get to feel ashamed for not having lesbian urges with which to entice prospective boyfriends.\nActresses who portray this casual, part-time lesbianism as a means of getting men's attention need to realize a crucial fact: while they get to return unscathed to their tidy hetero lives once their same-sex frolicking is over, real lesbians are still suffering discrimination. Let's face it: Many of the guys who Tivo-ed Alex and Marissa's liplock are the ones hurling derogatory terms at "butchies" who dare to walk hand-in-hand past Kilroy's.\nNetwork executives who try to justify their lesbian exploitation should admit their intentions are far from challenging watchers' moral views. Sure, it's progressive to show lesbian sexuality in a flattering light. But wouldn't it be a little more "groundbreaking" to ditch the excessive pseudo-lesbo-eroticism in favor of a few more realistic lesbian characters? And how about making the relationship last longer than an episode or two?\nThat won't be happening any time soon, because these sweeps stunts have conditioned audiences to expect only the hottest in lesbian love scenes. The makeup-free, short-haired variety doesn't get ratings.\nI guess America's just not ready to witness romance between two women you might actually see at Uncle Elizabeth's.