A helping hand

Do you know what month it is? \nAccording to American history, this month marks the anniversary of many infamous events, including the declaration of Mexico's independence, the first mass meeting of the Nazi party and, more importantly, the official premiere of the televised phenomenon "Supermarket Sweep."\nAlthough those might be some of the most important accomplishments in history, we often ignore the inception of one of the greatest -- an invention so grand its magnitude can only be matched by that of Einstein's theory of relativity. This invention ... is masturbation.\nToday, you will learn about the greatness that is masturbation, looking at not only the social implications, but the history of this fascinating creation.\n'Tis not well known, but I believe the word "masturbation" actually comes from the Latin phrase mastus bastere, meaning "to baste one's mast." It was initially discovered by Ferdinand Magellan on Feb. 24, 1775, the same day the Chinese discovered spices and the French discovered arrogance.\nShortly after circumnavigating the globe, Magellan began to wonder, "Hmmm, what else could I circumnavigate?" The next day he came across a copy of Naughty Oregon Trail Girls Monthly -- and the rest was history.\nThe discovery of masturbation, a fabulous renewable resource, was soon sought after by nations worldwide. People began bartering for it overseas in exchange for deer skins and turquoise. Before long, the act was practiced cross-culturally.\nFrom then on, the "'bation timeline" was filled with a variety of premier events.\n1882: News of this secret invention is officially released to the public. Coincidently, door locks and tube socks are invented the following year.\n1883: Teenage boys find out about this remarkable "hand-held" game. Vaseline sales skyrocket.\n1950: The same year the Russians become the first nation to put a monkey in space, an American astronaut becomes the first to do something else with a monkey in space.\nHowever, even though it is now 2005, this time line has not entirely evolved. Despite the fact that 97 percent of males and 93 percent of females below the age of 35 admit to masturbating, according to data in Kinsey's The Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, discussion of cette action is often considered taboo. Even with the aforementioned, frivolous jokes, some people will undoubtedly become offended. \nMasturbation is still considered, by many, as sleazy and immoral. But why?\nOur country has an illustrious Puritanical background, one that continually manipulates societal mind sets to believe that inherently mammal tendencies like masturbation, which dolphins, birds and elk practice alike, are disgraceful. It continues to pervade our culture by overlapping the fear of sin with the act of masturbation, like a religious Venn Diagram. However, as I, as well as a multitude of psychologists, can attest, the urge to wank is simply inherent and perfectly normal. \nSadly, as the previous instance exemplifies, masturbation is often linked with feelings of sin and shame, despite the fact that nearly all of America masturbates, according to the Kinsey Institute, I believe by learning and laughing about the psychological reasoning behind it, we will finally shed our shame over this human tendency. \nI'm not saying that people should masturbate in the middle of Starbucks, but I do believe practicing occasional self sex is healthy and perfectly normal. In fact, according to a recent IDS Health and Science article, research from the Kinsey Institute also shows masturbation lowers blood pressure and stress levels. \nMasturbation is, undeniably, a fantastic societal innovation. True, it doesn't save the whales or help the ozone layer or anything, but it keeps people generally, or should I say genitally, very happy. \nWhich is why I have officially coined today "National Masturbation Appreciation and Awareness and Remembrance Day!" \nThrow your hands up and celebrate! Correction ... hand.