Yep, my nipple exploded

Breast. Bone. Lung. No matter how you wear it, one fact remains undeniably clear. Cancer is so hot right now! Totally vogue. It's like the iPod of diseases -- anyone who's anyone is getting it.\nIt's all over the media too. Articles like "Increased Exposure to Pillows Linked to Testicular Cancer" and children's books with titles like "Prancer has Cancer: A Book of Fatal Reindeer Disease" are popping up like crazy. \nBecause of the recent media exposure, people are getting freakishly paranoid about getting cancer. Instead of a simple, "I have a headache," it's, "AHHHH! MOTHER TRUCKIN' BRAIN TUMOR! THE LIGHT ... IT'S COMING CLOSER!"\nI remember having cancer paranoia in high school.\nOne morning freshman year after getting out of the shower (naked), I noticed something very peculiar: my nipples were oddly misshapen. For some reason, my left nipple (Barbara) was at a slightly higher altitude than my right nipple (Dr. Kenneth Chimichanga). I was flabbergasted. Immediately, I spit out my Crest, fondled my chest and examined my breast with a tumor test, rubbing my nip-crest from east to west with lots of zest. Sure enough, just below the surface, I could feel a tic-tac sized lump.\nAt first, I tried to ignore it ... but then the metamorphosis began.\nAs my nipple ballooned, vigorously growing from tic-tac-sized, to tater-tot-sized, to finally snowcone-sized, I began to worry that I might in fact have Cancer of the Nip (Gynormosized Nippulus).\nThat's right, I no longer needed to visit Italy -- the leaning tower of Nipza was attached to my boobie.\nWhen my nipple started changing colors, like the northern lights, I decided it was time to take action. I went onto the internet and the first Web site I clicked on classified the pustule as a, "benign fibrocystic lump." According to the site, this lump has frequently been linked to, and I quote, "the growth of accessory scrotum and/or a webbed penis." I swear to God.\nThough immediately suicidal, the more I thought about it, the more I realized those growths weren't so bad. Extra scrotum just might come in handy. Like if somebody else gets a flat. "It's OK! I've got a spare" (The webbed penis is very yin-yangish, though. While on the downside my penis would look like a duck-billed platypus, I'd probably be able to swim faster.)\nBy the next week, concerned that my nip's overwhelming gravitational force might be pulling the planets out of alignment, I asked my mother to schedule an appointment with my dermatologist, Dr. Dick Storm (there is nothing funny about that name).\nWhen we got to his office, he (Dr. Weiner Hurricane) propped me up on the examine table and began to examine me. Midway through his fondle of my pustule, though, he emitted a sharp cry of utter bedazzlement.\n"Oh my."\n"What? What is it?" I said.\n"Hmm. Your nipple appears to have somewhat ... exploded."\nI looked down. Sure enough, like an erupted Mount St. Nipple, Kenneth Chimichanga had blasted open, spewing a landslide of lava-like pus. It ran like a river on my torso, trailing down to a juicy oasis in my navel. There was pus everywhere ... even on his (Dr. Tallywacker Tornado's) coat. I wasn't exactly sure how to apologize for that. Hallmark doesn't make an "I'm Sorry My Nipple Pus Exploded on Your Coat" card.\nHe then proceeded to twist it harshly counterclockwise (somewhat resembling the use of an orange juicer) to ooze the pus out. After it was completely deflated, it didn't take long to return back to sea level.\nLuckily, as he (Dr. Vagina Tsunami) told me after a later test, the cyst wasn't cancerous. \nHe also reassured me that every last drop of pus had been drained out. I still count my scrotum daily though, just to make sure.