Getting my $550,000 worth

This past week, the Federal Communications Commission ended the seven-month fiasco surrounding the exposure of Janet Jackson's right breast by fining CBS $550,000 for the incident that occurred during this year's Super Bowl. \nFirst, before I explain the insanity of anyone's breast being worth $550,000, let me first explain my love for the breast. My love for breasts goes back to elementary school when the girl with the biggest breasts was always the most popular and was considered the most attractive, no matter how the face looked. This trend continued through middle school, except in middle school the face began to matter to some extent. But in middle school guys were beginning to develop the "bag mentality", which is the idea that you would still get with a girl if you could just put a paper bag over her face. I carried this mentality for most of my adolescent years. I have since matured, and grown out of this phase of thinking. Nowadays, I care about other things like ... a personality. But with all the love I have for breasts, I strongly believe there is not one breast on the face of the earth that is worth $550,000.\nBy now, everyone knows what happened during February's Super Bowl halftime show. For three brief, beautiful seconds, for some mysterious reason only God can explain, Janet Jackson had a "wardrobe malfunction" that exposed her right breast. This, despite all that was going on in the world at the time, including the beginning of the presidential elections among other things, somehow managed to become the major news story of the beginning of the year. That story dragged on for about a month too long and forced Americans to suffer through debates about whether Justin actually meant his apology, before finally more important things took over the news stations. But just when that story becomes a thing of the past, the FCC lets Americans, and CBS know how much they feel a Janet Jackson Breast is worth. The fine of $550,000 is the biggest in the history of the FCC. That means that according to the FCC, Janet Jackson's right boob is worth $550,000.\nI couldn't care less if Janet Jackson's right boob had rare white diamonds glued to it, handmade Gucci material covering it and was being guarded by the Secret Service. There is no single breast worth that much money. Basically they are saying that if we would have been lucky enough to see both boobs, it would have cost CBS over a million dollars. I have seen plenty of nice breasts over my life span, and none has made me say, "Man, that's a million dollar breast." And we were only privileged to see it for three seconds. Before we could say "Hey! Was that a ... ", it was gone. So for three seconds of viewing one boob, it costs them $550,000 dollars. I'm sorry but that's crazy.\nBesides, Janet doesn't even have the best breast of all the celebrities! Let's be honest, if Janet Jackson's breasts are worth over a million, I wonder how much Pam Anderson's breasts could go for. I bet Jessica Simpson's breasts could go for a nice price. Honestly, I think the best breasts in entertainment belong to Beyoncé Knowles. And even her breasts aren't worth a million bucks! If Janet's right breast can go for $550,000, imagine what CBS would pay for Beyoncé's breast. I guarantee CBS will think twice about whose boob they show to the world next time.