Burnt butt, damaged ego

I don't tan. Never have. I could get totally naked, lube my entire body in Crisco, lay down on a blanket of tin foil, roast in the middle of the freakin' equator and still not show even the slightest bit of a golden complexion. The anti-albino gene is apparently missing from my genetic code.\nWhenever my skin is exposed to the sun for a prolonged period of time, it goes through two stages. First, it turns red. Not just ordinary red either, but the kind of bright neon red that might be produced if a tomato had sex with a stop sign.\nNext, my skin starts to peel off all at once, causing me to leave trails of flaky dermis behind me wherever I go. Once completely shed, my new layer of pale skin grows in and the cycle continues all over again.\nI've always hated my skin. However, rather than dwelling on my inability to bronze, I have recently decided to take a more mature approach to handling the situation. Namely, hating the tanning industry.\nIn this column, I will elaborate on the three major reasons why I have such contempt for indoor tanning facilities. The first of which, obviously, is because they simply don't work for me. I have been several times before, each time leaving with no more than a roasted behind. UV rays apparently just reflect off my skin. Consequently, the only option I have to get any ounce of color is spray tanning ... which I would never do. All the people I've seen get this done just end up looking freakishly orange, like they were the unfortunate love-child of a drunken Bob Barker/Oompa Loompa orgy. Thus, I have no choice but to remain ultra pasty.\nThe second reason I hate the tanning industry is because, due to its growing popularity, the gap between pale people and tan people continues to widen. Mainly, it just makes me feel bad about myself. I usually get stuck sitting next to über-tan people in class, making me look in contrast like that scary albino guy from the movie "Powder." The problem is, in a society that values dark complexion, pale people like myself are left with no choice but to wallow in our pale inferiority.\nThis brings me to my final point of motivation for indoor tanning hatred. The fact is tanning has become so popularized by our society that people have begun ignoring the danger involved; not only physical danger such as possible cancerous melanoma, but the emotional danger as well.\nThe media has duped us into believing we need to be tan to be considered attractive. But this is simply not true! If you fall in love with someone, they're not going to care about how tan your skin is, they're going to care about how tan your heart is ... or something like that. You get the point.\nSo how do we combat this tanning propaganda? Well, we have two options. First, pasty people could unite and start a pale revolution! We could all protest outside tanning booths while carrying mammoth cardboard signs that say things like, "White is TIGHT" or "Whoah man, no tan!" Then, we could have a huge bonfire, where we'd burn tanning fliers and a whole bunch of crayons that have tannish hues, like "tan" or that stupid "Burnt Sienna" color that nobody ever uses. \nOr, we could do the more logical of the two options: simply learn to accept how we were born. Perhaps the Oil of Olay commercials put it best in their motto: "Love the skin you're in." Amen, Oil of Olay commercials, amen!