A note of caution

A great deal of disturbing news has come to light over this past week, but there have been no stories more troubling than two reported Tuesday by The Associated Press. \nAccording to the AP, a high school student in Odessa, Texas, was hospitalized after drinking an unnamed substance from the school's chemistry lab. Upon recovering enough to speak, he claimed to have done it on a dare. \nMeanwhile, in Albuquerque, N.M., a man was permanently banned from the Rio Grande Zoo after authorities identified a finger found outside the jaguar exhibit as his. In a phone interview with zoo officials, the man had denied getting it bitten off -- but fingerprint analysis let the cat out of the bag.\nThese two incidents point to one undeniable conclusion: the cruel law of natural selection is out to destroy us all. Who among us can deny the awful temptation to discover what sticking one's tongue in an electrical socket feels like, or to show off in front of friends by sitting on a gas grill, or to see if corn chips go well with bleach?\nAlong with hunger, thirst and the desire to reproduce, the need for creative self-destruction is a universal human drive. Warning labels, safety caps and countless lawsuits say the same thing: we must be protected from ourselves.\nThus, here at the IDS consumer safety office, we have composed a set of guidelines to help you enjoy your newspaper safely, both for your own sake and for the sake of those around you.\n-- This newspaper is not to be taken internally, even if it does taste like cotton candy and chocolate chip cookie dough mushed up together and wrapped in a fresh buttermilk pancake. In laboratory tests, animals that consumed newspapers were found to die, eventually -- sometimes years later. Especially if we stopped feeding them.\n-- Do not fall asleep while operating newspaper. The IDS takes no responsibility for the accidental transference of text, photos, cartoons or other features to any part of the facial region. Such reproduction of IDS properties may be in violation of copyright and subject to a $250,000 federal fine. Licenses for cranial publication can be obtained by sending $50 to the IDS Licensing Office, c/o Mr. Brian J. McFillen, chief licensing officer.\n-- Do not use this newspaper as a parachute, glider or as any other devise to slow your rate of descent from a great height unless you are Mary Poppins or that guy from Outkast's "The Way You Move" video -- in which case, happy landings!\n-- Repeated tests have shown that this newspaper cannot be used as an aphrodisiac except Weekend, which will make you hornier than a foot fetishist at the Dr. Scholl's factory. To avoid sexual harassment suits, read the Weekend in the privacy of your own home -- we recommend under a blanket, with a flashlight and petroleum jelly.\n-- This newspaper is not to be used as a flotation device in the event of an emergency. Small portions of the newspaper, folded properly and treated with wax, may indeed float. However, the IDS is not responsible for damages incurred by collisions with waterfowl, schooners, Scottish plesiosaurs or water.\n-- Do not taunt the newspaper. In particular, do not make fun of its mother. The IDS is not responsible if the newspaper gets hard core medieval on your ass with an axe handle, barbed wire and a pair of pruning shears. No, the newspaper is not playin' with you.\n-- Main ingredients: wood pulp, ink, guano. \nFollow these simple rules and you'll ensure a secure and enjoyable reading experience for yourself and everyone else. \nOw! Damn paper cuts.