Those are the 'Brakes'

It's March. \nI've got my cooler loaded with Zima, some Mike's Hard Lemonade and a Bartles & James or two. \nSpring Break is only a week-and-a-half away, and I've got all sorts of fun lined up.\nWell, sort of.\nI still haven't decided where I'm headed. Last year I went on a little trip to Miami, met up with a few ladies and found out the Florida sun isn't the only thing down South that burns. \nMaybe this year I'll leave the ointment out of it and just find a comfy couch and watch some sports.\nOn second thought, maybe I won't. The NHL and NBA seasons are boring, and the playoffs are a month away, so I couldn't care less right now.\nThe NCAA Tournament is always a good time, but with no one to cheer for this year, there's no real reason to get excited for the tourney. Unless I can win my pool for the second-straight year so I can finance my lavish lifestyle. \nAre the classic 5-12 match-ups worth missing an opportunity to be knee deep in a vomit-alcohol mixture and surrounded by drones of lovely coeds? \nIt's a tough call, but no, the NCAA Tournament doesn't look quite as stunning in a bikini as does some of the Alpha Phis from Arizona State.\nSo, no tourney, NBA or NHL and just go ahead and eliminate golf and NASCAR, I'm neither lining up for the early bird special nor eating dinner at an IHOP, Waffle House or Denny's.\nMaybe I should just hit the road in search of a sport worthy of my Spring Break. I break out my trusted friend Rand McNally and survey my options -- a nice cross-country drive to Arizona or a return trip to the Sunshine State.\nBoth offer things I'm looking for in a Spring Break destination -- sun, ladies, gift shops and, of course, spring training baseball. \nThis is going to be a tough decision, so I made one of those pro-con spreadsheets, fixed myself a tuna fish sandwich, popped open an orange soda and did some thinking. \nThe drive to Arizona would be long -- really long -- 1,700 miles one-way. I'd leave the Thursday before break and make it to Mesa just in time for the Cubs-White Sox spring training game Saturday. I'd like to check out the Cubs' new acquisitions and make my own assertions on whether or not the Cubs are World Series bound or not. We all know the Sox aren't. \nThere's not a lot of talent in the Cactus League. Watching the Rockies, Royals, Brewers, Padres and Rangers might be a little much, so I'll just catch a few Cubs games then maybe mosey on over to watch the Giants and Steroid Bonds. \nDuring the week, I'd make time to visit those Arizona State coeds everyone raves about, probably just sit by myself on a bench like an old man feeding pigeons and work on my tan. Don't judge me.\nSeeing as I emigrated to IU from the sunny state of elders and oranges, I might be thinking about passing Florida this time around.\nBut the Sunshine State has some perks Arizona can't touch. The drive isn't nearly as long, and there's nothing like popping a little kid's Mickey balloon at Disney. \nThe Grapefruit League (I thought grapefruits were California's version of the orange) is ripe with good teams and opportunities. I can see Pedro's Soul Glow look at Red Sox camp, remind Steinbrenner his horns are showing at Yankees Central and smack Pudge for signing with the Tigers. \nI'd go visit some family, but only if the Dodgers have an off day. \nSo it's the Cactus versus the Grapefruit, the desert against the beach, women in small bikinis matched up against more women in small bikinis. What to do?\nI'm not sure my car is up to the challenge. My brakes are shoddy, and there's nothing like missing your 25,000 mile check-up by 20,000 miles. Is the car supposed to shake when you're going 15 mph? \nA cross-country drive might put my life in danger. I can see it now -- my car breaking down somewhere in Tennessee or Kansas, and my demographic says I won't make it.\nI'll give it a shot, but just watch the news and check the back of your milk carton.