To: Indiana Daily Student readers\nFrom: IDS Human Resources Department\nSubject: Personnel changes\nGiven increasing competition in the global college newspaper market, it has become necessary to find ways of cutting our per-issue production costs. You may have noticed some changes already. For example, we have shifted from using northern softwood kraft pulp for our newsprint to poison oak (note: if you experience redness or irritation and are not reading the staff editorial, seek professional help). We have improved the horoscope's efficiency by merging some of the less popular signs. Now you can look to Cancergo, the crabby virgin, or the water-bearing twin bulls, Tuareg. And 40 percent of this year's IU Student Association election coverage was recycled from last year. \nBut more drastic measures must be taken in order to maintain our fragile bottom line. Thus, as a pilot program, we have outsourced this column to the top writer for the University of Tarragonia's "Student Daily Diktat," Norgi Kreb. Thanks to this decision, we have preserved our journalistic excellence, while lowering the cost of a column from $8 to 40 cents. This $7.60 savings alone is enough to fund such crucial features as the down clues in the crossword puzzle, or to provide our editorial board meetings with a fresh, naughty ice sculpture each and every week. We're sure you'll come to love Norgi as much as we love our ice sculptures.\nSincerely,\nHuman Resources.
Hello Bloomington!\nI am most happy to be representing your campus life in this my column. IU is a beautiful place. I have not yet made a visit, but I have taken a tour on the Internet. I took the sample of your Gates and saw the statue of your founder, H.G. Wells. It looks like you have many trees. I think it must be nice to have trees. Under the great leader's fourth five-year plan, we sold all our trees for wood paneling for 1966 Ford County Squire station wagon. Boy, was that silly! So, the other day, I was having a Supersize Big Mac and a Coca-Cola with my homies and I thought, "How crazy is this election?" John W. Bush and Kerry Gore running against each other to win? The Grand Old Republicans versus the Liberal Democrats? All the country in blue and red states? It is so much trouble, you know?\nLife is much easier with one party, to be sure. Instead of having to go stand in ballot box, you can stay home and watch the Hoosiers win the NBA championship. Or just drive around in a big Chevrolet, grooving on your favorite tunes, and maybe hit up women with large bosoms, like cheerleaders. Me, I like grooving on Justin Timberlake the best. Justin Timberlake is very good for hitting up women with large bosoms, like cheerleaders. To get ready to write this column, I read all the IDS newspapers for two weeks past. I found the student election very interesting, but I am confused. How can the student party make the campus wet? Do they rain dance like American Indians? At the University of Terragonia, campus is always wet because there is much rain. Also, with no trees, there is much mud. In fact, each year, campus moves one meter closer to the sea. This is kind of bad, I think. The IU student election is amazing, though. All students to go out and elect the president of the University! We would never do that here. America truly is the land of democracy! Me, I would vote for a president who promised no exams. Oh well, that is it for today. See how this column is much better without greedy, expensive American columnists!\nTalk to you again soon!\nPeace love, \nNorgi.
