Bronzed after break

As much as I'm going to miss spring break (and believe me, I am), it's always exciting to come back to IU for my favorite post-break game -- Spot the Fake Tan. It's the same every year. People leave town pale as ghosts or with a slight starter tan obtained from a tanning salon, but they come back looking as though they were shoved into an oven and browned like a batch of dinner rolls. Some of them left the country in search of warmer climate -- some of them are just trying to look like they did.\nIt's always amusing to sit in the Arboretum between classes, trying to guess how the bronzed young ladies and gents who pass acquired their particular skin tone. \nIt might be too chilly this year to play, but seriously, it should be a game show. "Name That Tan!" with your host, indoor tanning aficionado George Hamilton. They could air it on Fox. It would be a riot. \nWhat kinds of contestants could we have? \nLet's see, first we've got people with a more natural look. If they want to tan, they do it the old-fashioned way by enjoying life out in sweet Mother Nature's rays. This also includes you folks lucky enough to have a naturally dark complexion. How I envy your ability to go to the pool and come back unscathed!\nOf course, you've also got Fake 'n' Bakers who maintain the year-round glow via a tanning bed. Some folks rely on this when they want to look like they visited the Bahamas but really, the only Kokomo they saw was the one two hours north of Bloomington. Personally, I'm not a fan of tanning beds for the same reason I'm not a fan of cigarettes -- I can't justify paying out-of-pocket to get cancer. \nMy favorites are those who rely on sunless tanners. Sadly, with the advent of better lotions and Mystic Tan booths, you don't see as many uneven or orange-colored people walking around as you once did. I miss the days when you could get a good chuckle from the girl walking down the street looking like a sweet potato with legs. \nOh, and how could I forget? There's also the category I fall into -- The Undead. We do not tan. Sunlight makes us feel great pain, taking us straight from ghostly pale to lobster red. We rely on SPF 30 or higher to get us through a day outdoors.\nA new tanning development comes in pill form -- Melanotan, also known as "the Barbie drug." Supposedly, it causes your body to increase melanin production, cause weight loss AND be sexually stimulating (The Guardian, February, 2004). Hey, if it works, it works. Still, it sounds like just one more pill to add to the plethora of sketchy medications on drugstore shelves (when it hits the market in 2006, that is).\nI make fun of tanning, but to be fair, any vanity ritual seems odd if you analyze it too much. Heck, this morning after my shower, I willingly used tweezers to pull out individual hairs from my eyebrows. Painful? Of course! So what kind of sense does that make? Well, I happen to live in a culture that prizes narrow, shapely brows on women, and I adhere to that particular rule.\nHowever, tanning is one beauty trend I just don't get, even though I'm living in a culture that prizes it. It feels like just one more way to encourage homogeneity to the detriment of one's free time, finances and health. \nSo keep an eye out today. Hopefully, spotting a few oddly tinted students walking around will provide ample amusement as you readjust to life at IU after spring break.