Pathetic Asian guys

I had all but given up on my dream of becoming famous. I thought there were no opportunities for Asian men with no martial arts talent, but then along came William Hung, the inept "American Idol" contestant, who unlike all the other rejects, has become a superstar and a phenomenon after his ungodly awful performance on the show.\nThe Hung phenomenon has made me realize my dream doesn't have to die. The Asian male doesn't need to be a Kung Fu fighter to make it big. He just has to act pathetic, and I can do that.\nAmerica has had a long love affair with Asian patheticism and the mockery of Asian people: our eyes, our size, our speech, our names, our customs, etc. Yet before Hung, the only Asian to take full advantage of it was Gedde Watanabe, who played Long Duk Dong a.k.a "The Donger" from "Sixteen Candles."\nThe Donger was the original Pathetic Asian Guy. For years, I had felt disdain for The Donger's caricature, because I knew the widespread prejudices that fueled the Donger's popularity also fueled the Asian-American experience of mockery and shame.\nMost white people could never seem to relate to my point of view, as our conversations about the Donger inevitably led to mutual befuddlement. They couldn't understand why I was so offended by The Donger, and I couldn't understand why he was supposed to be my hero.\nBut now, after witnessing the Hung phenomenon, I realize they were right and I was wrong. White America didn't need an attitude change -- I did. Instead of wasting all my time and energy trying to fight prejudice, I should have been embracing it and finding a way to exploit it.\nI should have realized my quest for stardom could not be achieved by acting as a self-respecting human being. Television shows and movies with a "normal" Asian guy as a major character inevitably fail. They fail because any producer who casts a non-pathetic, martial artistically challenged, English-speaking Asian guy is either incredibly stupid or more concerned about political correctness than the show's success. Everyone knows, or should know, stereotypes sell in show business, and articulate competent Asian men don't. \nThe Donger should have been my hero. I should have modeled myself after him. If I had realized this in high school, perhaps I would have already achieved my dream of stardom and I wouldn't be stuck here in my second graduate school working on my third degree.\nNow when I see William Hung, "The Hunger," all over the news, talk shows and T-shirts, I can only think, "That could have been me." I sing worse than he does. I dance worse than he does. I can make more of an ass of myself than he does. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME, DAMNIT! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!\n But at least there's still hope. There has to be room for another pathetic Asian guy superstar. I just have to make a few personal adjustments. I need to lose my Norm MacDonald voice and develop the ever-popular degrading Asian accent. As far as my looks, I need to … Oh wait. I forgot, we all look alike. \nSo except for the voice thing, I'm ready for prime time. I just know I can be a star. I'm Asian. I'm male. I'm willing to sell out my race, and I'm willing to sacrifice all my dignity for fame. I can be better than The Donger. Better than "The Hunger." I can be "The Chunger," the greatest pathetic Asian guy of them all.