How to steal X-mas

You open the latest issue of "Maxim" or "Cosmopolitan," read through articles claiming to teach you how to "wrestle a bear" and "make your partner scream," eventually coming to a little pictorial that's advertising the latest clothing styles. The clothes are slapped onto concerned looking models, shot on-location upon hallowed Aborigine ground.\nThat button-up shirt sure does look nice. Oh, and it's only $750.\nHey! I'll buy those pants … if I find $400 on the street.\nOOO! A kilt! Made by Armani! For $3,000!\nAnd so forth.\nYou then watch "The Simple Life," where Paris Hilton buys a $1,500 travel bag for her Chihuahua, an $800 hat, and learns that buying back dignity is impossible … but she is very good at making sure that she is always "facing the camera" -- if you know what I mean.\nThen there are MTV's "Rich Girls," who remain modest in their spending; one of them declaring that all clothing should be cheap or free because everyone needs it. Then they go off to a clothing store that is "invite only."\nTrue story. \nYou then ask yourself, "What the hell is going on?"\nWhat makes a three-piece suit cost as much as a used car? If I'm going to drop $3,000 on a coat, pants, shirt and tie, that suit better paint my damn house, build a dining room table and teach me how to tango … and, oh yes, "make my partner scream."\nI don't care what all this stuff is made of, who made it or how. Clothing has become too expensive.\nTake any class on sociology, psychology or culture -- or for God's sake, just use your common sense -- and see that clothing isn't just an outward expression of personality. It's a visual representation of class, playing a huge role in attaining success in the job market. And that holds more water in the "real world" than any self-expressionist philosophy taken as face-value booshwa by a prejudicial CEO who decides your economic fate.\nIn our image-based culture, clothing is power now more than ever. You need it to make an impression on a fickle employer when you leave school. Yet the finest garments are only available to the richest people (and their kids).\nTo be placed on a socially equal playing field, we will have to level it out ourselves. I'm tired of walking into Urban Outfitters and paying $35 for a T-shirt that says "Ohio Physical Education," or buying a hoodie that advertises the "Abercrombie Snowboard Patrol." What the hell is that? It's not even real! And a good chunk of these clothes aren't even made in America, rather, they are made overseas by people being paid peanuts for countless hours of hard labor.\nIt's like they think we're French!\nScrew it! It's time we steal some clothes!\nNot your thing? Too illegal? Do you know how easy this is?! After spending one holiday season with a certain unnamed retailer, I learned that employees aren't allowed to stop shoplifters. They call mall security, which is about as responsive as a dead cat. And there are definitely ways to get around setting off security sensors. \nNow go! It's easy! These companies lose thousands on shoplifting but they make millions. So swipe mom a Louis Vuitton purse and steal daddy some Gucci shoes with no remorse because you're not doing anything wrong! You're just practicing the American art of equality!\nChristmas spirit? Morality?\nIn the age of globalization and aggressive capitalism, there's no such thing! The man is screwing you so you might as well screw the man back. Take what's rightfully yours!\nMorality is a dead scene! Reap the benefits!