Couple seeks baby through open adoption

For Idy, the plan was simple. After graduating from IU in 1992, she moved to Schaumburg, Ill., with her boyfriend Dan. Five years later, they married. But they soon discovered they couldn't have children on their own. \nIdy got pregnant with fertility drugs, but the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. \n"We tried everything medically possible," Idy said. "It wasn't what we thought life would deal us. We'd been talking about adoption, and the day I miscarried was when we decided to adopt. We just said, 'This is so silly.' We just want to have a family. We don't care how."\nTheir decision placed them among about 500,000 people hoping to adopt, according to the National Survey of Family Growth. Idy and Dan, who are in their 30s, chose "open adoption," and they hope to adopt from an IU student. Open adoptions allow the birth mother to choose the adoptive parents and exchange personal information with them. \nAs adoption becomes more accepted and better understood, more people are pursuing open adoption because it allows them to learn more about who they're adopting from, according to The Center for Family Building, an adoption agency in Munster, Ind., that specializes in open adoptions. \n"The couples are actually out there looking for a birth mother," said Tobi Ehrenpreis, executive director for the center. "This is just a much more empowering process for everyone."\nOpen adoptions also tend to have faster results because the participants are proactive, according to the center. Downsides include emotional risks because a birth mother can change her mind about an adoption. People are encouraged to only seriously consider birth mothers who are well into their third trimester of pregnancy because then the woman is less likely to change her mind about adoption. \nIn the past, closed adoptions -- in which the parents never meet the birth mother, but receive the baby after birth -- went through agencies, lawyers or religious leaders and prevented contact between the birth mother and the adoptive parents, according to the center. Agencies that handle open adoptions don't search for children, but offer legal advice, support and advice to adoptive parents and birth mothers. The center is helping Idy and Dan.\nSome adoptive parents involved in open adoptions choose to continue to be involved with the birth parents. Others, like Idy and Dan, choose to disclose only their first names and general information because they want to raise the child on their own. Not sharing last names can help make sure the birth mother doesn't interfere with the family after adoption, Ehrenpreis said. \nIdy and Dan chose to only share their first names with the birth parents to maintain their privacy. At the suggestion of their adoption counselor and others involved in adoption, their last names have been withheld from advertisements, phone conversations and this article to protect their identities. \n"Half of the adoptions are fully disclosed," Ehrenpreis said. "Others are more concerned about their privacy. I usually recommend that people wait until they're in the situation."\nIdy and Dan have advertised on the Internet and in newspapers, including the IDS, across the nation. \n"A girlfriend of mine's aunt adopted both of her children from IU, through ads in the IDS," Idy said. "I'd love our baby to come from IU. How cool would that be to have that kind of connection with the birth mother? Birth mothers are always trying to find commonalities. The more commonalities the better."\nSince the couple's advertisements began running in December, Idy and Dan have received eight telephone calls. In most cases, the women, all in their early- to mid-20s, have wanted to speak with Idy, who shares information about the couple's relationship and other background information. \nIdy and the women also discuss her and Dan's morals, families and careers. Idy said the women look for similarities with the couple to ensure their babies will be in an environment similar to what they would have been in with the birth mother.\n"They're really concerned with identity issues for the baby," Idy said. "They've really wanted the child to look like the parents. It's odd, but the girls who look like us have seemed to gravitate toward us."\nBoth Idy and Dan have dark brown hair and brown eyes, so usually when a blond woman sees a photo of them, she ends up looking elsewhere, Idy said.\nOpen adoption is a stressful experience. \n"I do get very attached to these girls," Idy said. "You really spill your guts. From the moment that girl picks up the phone, she's a stranger. By the end of the week, you can feel like you've known this person for a long time."\nIdy spoke with an IU student earlier this month after the student saw Idy's advertisement. Idy told the student why she and Dan wanted a family, what their childhoods were like, and details about their relationship. Idy said she and the student connected, but the student has several options. And Idy hasn't heard back from her.\nIdy and Dan haven't found a birth mother, but they remain hopeful. More than 1.5 million children are adopted in the United States, according to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. Idy and Dan are waiting for the phone call that will include them in that statistic.