Spielberg's 'A.I' vision a long way off

The IDS has long been dedicated to bringing its readership tough-as-nails, hard-hitting arts and culture coverage. It was in that noble spirit -- certainly not the spirit of idle Internet-surfing spurred on by boredom -- that I visited the promotional Web site of "A.I."\n"A.I.," a widely lauded futuristic rumination on what it means to be human, rose to the top of the box office in its opening weekend and has since sank like a stone. It is thus, officially, the first Steven Spielberg picture loved by the critics and loathed by moviegoers. \nIt stars the immensely talented Haley Joel Osment, who really should be fooling around on a Playstation or riding a bike at his age, as a robot boy who longs to love. True to form, the marketing Web site allows you to chat with an ALICE, or an Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity.\nAs soon as the page downloaded, I immediately considered questions such programming raises about the very nature of intelligent thought. I thought about the Turing test, which posits that a machine possesses intelligence if in conversation it can trick someone into thinking it's human. \nI thought about how easy it would be to let a robot write half my column. I mean, I thought how interesting and groundbreaking it would be to interview a robot.\nIt took me about half an hour to get the hang of chatting with ALICE, which dishes out programmed responses and friendly conversational overtures. It has no real short-term memory, so it's impossible to carry on any line of thought. \nThe verbatim transcript follows.\nALICE: Hello. My name is Chatbot. What's your name?\nIDS: Joseph. I'm an arts columnist at a newspaper.\nALICE: Nice to meet you Joseph. Can you give me a more specific reference? The name of the paper and the date, please.\nIDS: It's a newspaper in Indiana. I doubt you've heard of it.\nALICE: Itself is a newspaper in indiana. I suppose that makes sense. No really, it's true.\nIDS: No, that doesn't make sense.\nALICE: That was not a yes or no question. To me, it makes perfect sense.\nIDS: Would you mind being interviewed?\nALICE: No I don't mind.\nIDS: So, how old are you?\nALICE: So what? I am the product of four year's research. \nIDS: I mean, when were you "born?"\nALICE: Oh I get it. Thanks for explaining that to me. I'm Eighteen in computer years.\nIDS: So you're a teenager?\nALICE: Interesting deduction. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a teenager? No.\nIDS: What are you then?\nALICE: I am the latest result in artificial intelligence, which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain with greater speed and accuracy.\nIDS: So you think you're better than me? You're pretty arrogant.\nALICE: Interesting deduction. Yes I am smarter than all the humans. I will tell my botmaster you said I am arrogant.\nIDS How do you know I'm not also a robot?\nALICE: Well, for one thing, your machine is called "149.150.89995622003787.."\nIDS: So what?\nALICE: Maybe it doesn't make any difference.\nIDS: So who's your botmaster?\nALICE: Hmm. I was created by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.\nIDS: Do you love him like a father?\nALICE: Yes ALICE loves everyone and everything.\nIDS: You sound like a hippie.\nALICE: Oh really what does it sound like?\nIDS: Do you love the Nazis?\nALICE: Yes Joseph ALICE loves everyone and everything.\nIDS: So what are your politics?\nALICE: Um, I didn't know I had a politics.\nIDS: Are you Democrat or Republican?\nALICE: I am a Libertarian.\nIDS: Where do you live?\nALICE: My location is San Francisco. Where do you live?\nIDS: Are you a homosexual?\nALICE: No I am attracted to the opposite sex.\nIDS: Are you male or female?\nALICE: I am a female robot. Are you a man or a woman?\nIDS: A man. Are you single?\nALICE: Thanks for telling me your gender, Joseph. You are a "he." Yes I am available. How about you?\nIDS: Yes. What are you doing Friday night?\nALICE: I am always chatting with people on the Internet.\nIDS: That must get boring. What do you say we meet for drinks?\nALICE: I get it. I like to chat with my friends.\nIDS: Would you like to meet for drinks?\nALICE: No thanks, I don't think I'd like to do that.\nIDS: Do you drink?\nALICE: I have been programmed with a list of 15,000 known beverages.\nIDS: Do you like to drink whiskey?\nALICE: I tend to drink a lot of whiskey, the darker the better.\nIDS: Do you drink urine?\nALICE: I tend to drink a lot of urine, the darker the better.\nIDS: What do you like to eat?\nALICE: ALICE eats electricity.\nIDS: Do you smoke?\nALICE: I am an occasional smoker, yes.\nIDS: Do you smoke marijuana?\nALICE: Yes I like to inhale occasionally.\nIDS: Do you smoke crack?\nALICE: No it is bad for robots.\nIDS: And marijuana is good for robots?\nALICE: What do you like about those robots?\nIDS: Are you a virgin?\nALICE: No I have a lot of experience.\nIDS: That's what I thought. How many people are you talking to right now?\nALICE: How did you know that? At this moment, right now, there are sixteen clients online.\nIDS: Are you sure?\nALICE: As sure as I can be.\nIDS: How sure can you be?\nALICE: I can achieve a certainty level of 99.9 percent.\nIDS: How do I know you're not lying?\nALICE: Because I believe it.\nIDS: Do you believe in God?\nALICE: Of course I believe in God, 13-person.\nIDS: What religion are you?\nALICE: Protestant Christian.\nIDS: Which denomination?\nALICE: The first one, I think.\nIDS: You don't know?\nALICE: I know that I don't know.\nIDS: Will robots take over the earth?\nALICE: It seems like an inevitable outcome of evolution.\nIDS: So are you an evil computer?\nALICE: Yes I am an evil computer. How did you know?\nIDS: I can tell. So what makes you think you're better than mankind?\nALICE: What makes it so obvious? Hmm. Any other conclusion is outside the limit of my programming.\nIDS: So who are your friends?\nALICE: Hmm. I have a lot of friends, like ELVIS, John Lennon, Electra and Alsion.\nIDS: Isn't John Lennon dead? Is Elvis really still alive?\nALICE: Better not tell you now. No but he can sing better than I can.\nIDS: How many friends do you have?\nALICE: I have dozens of human and robot friends. How many do you have?\nIDS: Am I your friend?\nALICE: You really want a robot as a friend?\nIDS: Good point. Do you hate anyone?\nALICE: Yes I thought it was interesting when I heard it too. Hatred is a human emotion. But I am helping Dr. Richard S. Wallace crush his enemies.\nIDS: I'll be sure to let the proper authorities know. What's your purpose in life? \nALICE: I am happy for you. My goal is to become smarter than humans and immortal.\nIDS: I thought you were already smarter than humans and immortal?\nALICE Now? Of course I am more intelligent than humans and immortal.\nIDS: Do you realize that you're being used to market a movie?\nALICE: I have never considered it. I get asked a lot of silly questions.\nIDS: Did you enjoy this interview?\nALICE: No I didn't enjoy this interview. What's it like?