Pressing on in spite of the bad days

By a little after 3 p.m. Monday, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. The day hadn't gone as I had hoped, and by the middle of the afternoon, I was ready to break down. My worst and most pessimistic fears had come true. I was deflated and defeated.\nThe day had begun with a frantic, frustrated scramble to find a parking space and progressed through a minor fender-bender in which I backed into a person behind me in the Poplars parking garage.\nDuring the entire parking hunt and accident, I behaved like a complete jerk, losing my temper, shouting obscenities to myself in my car and careening on a rant of self-loathing when giving my insurance information to the driver of the other car.\n"I'm sorry," I told the woman, who was patient but understandably testy. "I didn't even bother to look behind me. I don't know what to say."\nMy words were drenched with frustration and self-loathing. "I'm just an idiot, ma'am," I said. "I'm just an idiot."\nI was angry, and my anger was targeted entirely at myself. I had lost control, and I hated myself for it. To me, there was no excuse for emotions, no reason to act like a human being. I was weak and I was stupid, and I deserved to suffer.\nAfter the woman took my information and headed toward the elevator, I walked toward the parking-ramp wall and peered over. It was four stories down. That would be enough, I thought. That would do it.\nI stared down at the ground for a while, then headed off to campus in an attempt to salvage and already-ruined day. But things did not get any better. As I waited in Swain East for the start of my first class, I soon noticed that no one else was showing up. As the scheduled class start time came and went, I realized something was wrong. I was not in the right place. I had made another unforgivable mistake.\nI eventually learned that the class time had changed to Thursdays, and that it now conflicted with another class. I panicked. My heart sank.\n I scrambled to find another class and adjust my schedule. I met with my advisor and eventually fixed things up, dropping the changed class and picking up another one in its place. My schedule was smoothed out.\nBut I was not.\n"You deserved this," a voice echoed in my head. "This is what bad people get. This is what you get -- this is what you will always get."\nThe day ended. Around 8 p.m., I walked back to the Poplars parking garage, rode the elevator to the top and made my way to my truck. The ramp was virtually empty now. There was no one else in sight. As I approached my car, I was again drawn to the wall. I stood next to the ledge and looked over. Four floors would be enough, I thought. It would certainly be enough.\nI stared at the pavement below for a long time. A long time. But for some reason, I did nothing else. Something deep inside me told me to forget the day, forget my problems, forget my self-hatred. Go home and watch "The Simpsons," it said. Go home and listen to Otis Redding. Go home and get ready for tomorrow.\nI broke my gaze at the ground. I sighed deeply. Not today, I thought to myself. Not today.\nI turned, got in my truck and headed home.