A U-turn on the road of life

I made it to Toledo before I finally lost my mind. I thought that was quite an accomplishment, considering I had survived the drive through the wastelands known as Buffalo, Erie and Cleveland. (Ignore Drew Carey. Cleveland most definitely does not rock.)\nI pulled off I-90 for some gas and to dry out. My drive from Rochester to Bloomington was being made in the un-air conditioned confines of my truck, so by the time I reached northwest Ohio, my sweat glands had endured quite a workout. (My propensity for perspiration has, without a doubt, also resulted in my continued bachelorhood at age 28. Well, that plus my fondness for Monty Python movies.)\nI pulled into a gas station/mini-mart and pulled up to a pump. I climbed out and began to fill my tank. My mind started to wander (as it often does when I pump gas in Toledo), and I started to think about how far I had come and how long it had taken me to get there. The drive had been uncomfortable, even painful process. It felt like a burden.\nJust like my life.\nMy parents and my sister estimated that I could make it from Rochester to IU in about 10 hours. But, because I drive slower than Strom Thurmond walks, it had taken me about eight hours to get to Toledo, and I still had at least four to go to Bloomington.\n"Why am I such a wuss?" I asked myself. "Why can't I just get behind the wheel, haul ass and just get where I want to go? I hate this. I hate everything. I hate myself."\nThat last thought sort of squirted out of subconscious before I even knew I was thinking it. "I hate myself." Very, very ugly as thoughts go, and not very productive, either.\nThe pump handle clicked, signaling that my tank was full. I drew a deep breath and sighed as I replaced the handle and closed my tank cover.\nMaybe that's your problem, I told myself. Maybe you piss and moan and gripe so much about being a whiner that it gets in the way of you ever getting anywhere important. Maybe, just maybe, that lousy attitude is what stops you from achieving anything really worth celebrating. Maybe that's why your life is, as you say, a burden.\nMy first reaction to that internal opinion was a Homer-esque, "Shut up, brain. Leave me alone. I need some pork rinds."\nAfter graduating from IU in 1995, I had spent six years bouncing from newspaper job to newspaper job -- two years in North Carolina, two years in Massachusetts, two years in New York. Although I was always proud of my work, I always lacked a sense that my life was on the right track, that I was headed in the right direction, that I could someday be happy.\nSix years is a long time, and Carolina-to-Mass-to-NY is a long way to go. It's also a lot of unhappiness.\nIt took me six years to realize that perhaps I needed a change in direction, a shift in aspirations to find some personal satisfaction -- and self-acceptance.\nHence the decision to return to IU and pursue a masters degree. I finally realized that (close your virgin ears, all you J-School undergrads) the newspaper business kinda stinks. I finally understood that working on weekly or daily deadlines and worrying about ad revenue (which, despite the rhetoric in both the classroom and the IDS, you always do as a journalist in the real world) just wasn't what I wanted to do.\nSo I decided to return to academia in the hope that it might lead to a career as an educator or an author or both. I decided to junk the past and all the crud -- both journalistic and personal -- that went with it. Instead of constantly drowning while trying to swim across the same raging river, I chose to walk over the bridge.\nOf course, the bridge will have a few missing planks, and it won't be smooth sailing from here on out. I still have a lot to overcome, especially the mountains I have created in my mind. But at least I'm trying something different. At least I'm actually trying to get where I want to go.\nI went inside the mini-mart, grabbed some Fig Newtons and a tasty beverage and paid the cashier. It was time to get back on the road.