Home again for the first time

Less than 15 minutes ago I was lying, back smashed against inches of velvety green grass, gazing at the stars and inhaling the air of the Smokey Mountains. \nI didn't say a word for more than an hour. I remained completely still and thought, although I was not alone, but surrounded by the same mountains that stood beside me as I made the ungraceful transformation from a gawky brace-faced dork to an ultra-hip beauty. \nHome again, I felt the Smokey Mountain air fill my lungs as the essence of my North Carolina home overcame my heart and tears of happiness at being back filled my eyes. \nLying there I smelled the neighbor's BBQ. I heard my little sister desperately trying to play some Hayden piece on the very piano that I used to hide from when it was practice time. I saw the beauty that has kept my parents in the south for more than a decade this July.\nAfter that hour I realized that I truly am home again.\nIn high school and long before that I am sure, home wasn't what it is now. I never noticed the Blue Ridge skyline that filled my windows. I took for granted the home-cooked meals, the companionship of my little sister, the loving licks of my golden retriever. \nHome then was me missing my curfew, alcohol on my breath, wrecked car in the driveway. Home was me ditching my family at any moment possible to sneak off into the sunset with best friends or boyfriends or people that seemed like they knew how to have a good time. \nGrowing up, home was the annoyance that my father chose to live in Asheville, N.C. Couldn't he move his career to a real city like New York or Atlanta, I used to think, horrified that I lived in a place famous for confederate flags and the Biltmore Estate.\nHome was still all of those things to me my first few visits back after going away. When I came home for holidays I was still angry that I lived in Asheville. I was still eager to get out and have fun with friends and leave my family behind. I still did not appreciate the good meals or the fact that there was actually decent food in the refrigerator and a good family ready to cook it for me because they missed me and wanted to spend time with me.\nI am not sure why my idea of my home finally changed. Somehow, something or maybe even everything in me has matured and again, as if for the first time, I see the beauty in the mountains. I once again know the reasons why many people choose to make the Smokey Mountains their home and why after all these years, my family is still here.\nI used to have a favorite quotation growing up that my mom told me that came back to me after all these years, as I sat getting attacked by mosquitoes for that long hour. It was by George Eliot and it said something like "you will know you are at the end of your journey when you get back to where you started and you see it for the first time."\nI hope I am not at the end of my journey. It has barely begun, and I know that I have much to see. But, I have seen Asheville, North Carolina again and it was as if I saw it through the eyes of a small third-grader, coming down from the pollution-filled Pittsburgh to a new home that she was sure was in a country other than the United States. The beauty that I saw that day, so many years ago, is what I again finally see.\nIt is ironic that it is now that I have returned the love to the mountains that the mountains have always bestowed upon me. My parents and I are still at war over financial issues and my appearance. "I thought you were taking that damn thing out of your tongue" are the first words my mother said to me.\nMy sister is as annoying to an older sister as always; changing her outfits to mirror mine, acting hyper to piss me off and deciding that I still am not as cool as she is. Since my last time home, nothing has really changed, yet when I look around me it seems like everything is new.\nMy friends here say that it just took me longer than most to see the beauty and that now that I have seen it, it will never go away. They remind me of the explanations that Sidney, my friend used to give me of why Asheville is so great. Most of them revolved around the fact that he lived here and he is awesome, but others had to do with the beauty of the mountains and the kindness of the people here who greet strangers with smiles and warm words.\nIn writing this column I wanted in some way to express my love for my family and how that love parallels my rediscovered love for the mountains. But somehow words that describe that are too hard to form and keep getting deleted, as I just can't paint the picture that needs to be painted. This newfound realization of my love for my home has much more to do with the love I have for my family, that I appreciate now more than ever, than my love for the picturesque view or great skiing.\nSitting alone in an apartment during a dead second summer session can give a person quite a bit of time to reflect on life and love. \nThere are many times when I longed to hear my sister scream my name or annoy me with her praises for herself. I would have even taken my mother screaming or my dad smiling as he always does before he gives me really bad news.\nIt is nice to be surrounded by family. Even if the family event is only watching corny TV movies or eating burgers on the screened-in porch. There is nothing quite like being around people that you know would give their lives for you and that you would give yours for, no matter how many lies, hard times or broken trusts.\nAs I sit here at the family computer upstairs, I can hear their voices laughing together at something that probably wasn't funny on a movie that probably wasn't very good. It is a Saturday night, at school I would probably have already downed a few beers by now. Here I am sober, haven't even smoked a cigarette in a few hours and I am having just as good of a time, not bitter about location or the life my family has chosen to live.\nFamily, my grandmother used to tell me, are the only people who stay the same. She explained that boyfriends come and go quickly. Friends come and go as the years pass. Best friends even change when people change directions or zip codes. But family, even if hurt or angry or many miles away, does not get fended off by your mistakes, but loves you even more, with all of who you are, in bad and good times. \nGrandma, you are right. Family is the backbone, the breath and the strength that keeps me going and I have realized this finally. I am home again, with the mountains and my sister watching me, knowing that I have seen them again for the first time.