Madrid\'s epitome of public affection

MADRID, SPAIN — There are reasons, in Madrid, why old men go the the parks and lay behind bushes. Though the cigarettes they franticly smoke will fool the casual glance, it is quite obvious what their real intentions are.\nInconspicuous in the shade and stealthy among the shrubs, they maneuver into position with clumsy diversion, like awkward foxes, hoping to snag that one precious glimpse. Sitting here, feeding the pigeons in Parque del Buen Retiro, with my loaf of bread and quart of Mahou beer, the confirmation comes quickly: these old men are here to snoop. And I don't blame them one bit.\nTo merely call Madrid's public displays of affection "displays" would be a gross understatement. Personally, I would be more comfortable calling them "peep shows," but that is a matter of debate. At times I even feel guilty that I am not paying good money for the risque behavior I witness taking place among the groves of Madrid's finest public parks.\nFor those of you dupes who, at moments notice of "public displays of affection," turn white with rage and cough out the now cliche phrase "get a room," let me be the first to console you by saying, "You ain't seen nuthin', chump." Besides, by the looks of things in Madrid, all the rooms are taken. Vacancy is a waste of time. Allow me to elaborate.\nIn the United States, a simple peck to the cheek will send even the most liberal Nader voter into a state of wincing disgust. Yet one would think in America, a country which prides itself on such bold words as "liberation" and "freedom," that people would endorse, dare I say demand, public displays of affection as part of their Constitutional rights. Yet why so many lewd accusations of treason when lips embrace? Why all the Puritan affiliations?\nWhy deform "freedom" and "liberation" into such flimsy words? I blame jealousy, cold-blooded jealousy, because the accusers are not the participants.\nJust the other day I came to this exact park with my friend Bennett. With us we brought two loaves of bread, some tomatos, a red pepper, an avocado and a bottle of wine, with intentions of enjoying a nice meal. The day was sunny and breezy and conversation was pouring from our mouths like currents when, all of a sudden, we were lusciously interrupted when Bennett remarked, "Look, there's the bowl position." The 'bowl' position, so I'm told, is Madrid's premiere display of public affection between couples, and from what I've seen, is a sight to behold. The couple sits face to face with out-stretched legs resting over the other's hips. Pelvis to pelvis. Crotch to crotch, if you will. When in position, couples stare aggressively at each other, then proceed to devour with the mouth and tongue. Any part of the face and neck is fair game for the lips. As for the hands, they remain as curious as ever.\nThe campus of Indiana University is a veritable haven for hungry lovers that, if used properly, should be a Mecca for blatant displays of public affection. So I beseech you, oh lovers of Bloomington, young and old, give your love life the old Madrilenian twist. Make out in public! Stir shocked whispers with your brazen antics of lust! Hotel rooms are for the timid! The hillside of Dunn Meadow has laid vacant for far too long! The slopes of the Arboretum are starving for the Dionysian spirit! So if you're fortunate enough to have a lover in Bloomington, then exercise you rights this summer and make hot underneath the maple trees. Reduce the general public to nothing more than pointing, jealous idiots.\n(It should be known that, while writing this article, its author was shat upon by one of the pigeons that he was feeding.)