Don't try this at home

\'Tis the season for bad weather, pine needles and long lines at the store. I am a brilliant man, to be sure, but I made the not-so-brilliant move of trying to shop on the day after Thanksgiving. This was one of the worst mistakes I've ever made.\nBut as with everything in life, I am able to see the good in a situation. In this case, the good was that I did not get gonorrhea. And believe me, I was that close to some people in the checkout lines. I also made some observations that might serve as a warning for all you people thinking about shopping on this most evil of all shopping days next year. \nFirst of all, let me emphasize that I hate shopping. I especially hate shopping at stores such as Abercrombie & Fitch and Gap. These stores prey on society's weak-minded individuals -- like the fifth-grader who needs a $75 polo shirt to make friends or the frat boy who needs a $75 polo shirt to make friends. Clothes can add to your personal style, but they cannot make up for a personality emptier than a tub of condoms at the Playboy Mansion. \nI just wanted to buy a few CDs.\nI thought if I got to the mall earlier I'd get out faster, but this was not to be. I arrived at 7:30 a.m. By 8 a.m., I completed the two-mile trek from my parking spot to Best Buy's front door. By 9 a.m., I was lodged behind a mullet in the "easy listening aisle," leading me to believe Best Buy should change its name to, "You'd Best Buy Your Stuff Somewhere Else."\nAnd so, I did. I trekked across the parking lot again, this time followed by a group of vulture-like drivers waiting for my parking spot. Several hours and a few lewd gestures later, I finished the mile-long journey to Target. My grandmother could have crawled there faster. I entered Target, whose name comes from the French words "tar" -- meaning "cheaply priced medium-quality goods" and "get" -- meaning "lines so long the election will be over by the time you get through checkout." \nForced to wait in this line, I spent some time people-watching. You know -- what you do when you're bored and want to make unique observations about the state of humanity. \nUnfortunately, most humans are boring, and you end up staring at some hot girl's rear end and fantasizing about her. (Did I say that out loud?) Eventually, bored herself in this line, the girl turned around and spoke to me through all three of her teeth. \nShe was not what our culture would call "beautiful." In fact, most cultures would agree that not only was she beaten with the ugly stick, she got whooped with the ugly club like she was an ugly pinata. \nI still have dibs on her, though.\nThis led me to realize most people are rather unattractive. I'm no Abercrombie model, but I sure felt like one waiting in that line. I think all the beauty we see on campus spoils us. I hear students complain about their looks every day, but it's all relative. Compared to the rest of the population, we're all rock stars! Ladies, take advantage of your youthful beauty -- wink, and drop by my place.\nI ended up spending about five hours getting pushed, pulled and stepped on by my hometown brethren. All for one CD. Needless to say, I was unhappy with my decision to wake up early to save a few bucks. It was a waste of time and, therefore, a waste of money -- especially when you add in the medical bill of that little punk I elbowed in the mouth when he tried to cut me in line. \nShopping on the day after Thanksgiving is a draining experience. Learn from my mistake, people. Next year, spend the day walking around the house in your underwear eating leftover turkey legs. As usual, you'll thank me!