The world according to Pearl Jam

The world is not that complicated. When you actually break it down to its simplest form, it is really easy to figure out.\nThe only thing you have to do is consult the all-powerful voice of reason. It has all the answers for any situation. If you can dream of a scenario, then the all-powerful will know what to do. \n Who is this all-powerful being, you ask? Well, it's more of a governing body. The all-powerful is, of course, Pearl Jam.\nThat might sound a bit ludicrous to some people. But if you just look closely at their song titles and lyrics, you will find that they can be used in the following situations:\nYour girlfriend leaves you because she says you're immature and you'll never grow up.\nPearl Jam says: She dreams in color; she dreams in red/Can't find a better man. ("Betterman")\nYou flip on the light-switch in your room, and the light bulb leaves you stranded in the dark. \nPearl Jam says: "Black."\nYou see your parents for the first time in months, and you're part of a family that actually likes the people in it.\nPearl Jam says: "Throw your arms around me."\nYou drive through the yellow/red light (who really knows what color it was), and you're sure the sound behind you is a siren.\nPearl Jam says: "Rearview mirror."\nYou take some type of drug (for whatever reason), and you don't get the desired effect.\nPearl Jam says: Don't feel like methadone. ("Nothing as it seems")\nYou decide to get started on your Christmas shopping because it's the day after Labor Day. You find yourself wondering what your friends want.\nPearl Jam says: "Wishlist."\nYou're waiting for your boyfriend to pick you up. He's late and he also hasn't called.\nPearl Jam says: Oh where, oh where can my baby be? ("Last Kiss")\nYou're lost in a city without any money, and you desperately need something to eat.\nPearl Jam says: I don't mind stealing bread. ("Hunger Strike")\nYou find yourself in a class where people are debating the merits of creationism and evolution.\nPearl Jam says: "Do the evolution."\nYour legs are known to get cold during the winter, and you want to wear something different to keep them warm.\nPearl Jam says: "Corduroy."\nYour friends have just had a son, and they have no idea what to name him.\nPearl Jam says: "Jeremy."\nYou're playing wide receiver on a football team, and you drop a pass running across the middle because you thought you heard a defensive player coming.\nPearl Jam says: "Footsteps."\nYou're driving on the highway, and you realize that you just missed your turn.\nPearl Jam says: "Last exit."\nYou're visiting a big city, and you run into that lady who wears men's shoes and talks to buildings.\nPearl Jam says: "Crazy Mary."\nYou pass the United Center in Chicago, and you see the statue of Michael Jordan that has frozen him in time.\nPearl Jam says: "Immortality."\nYou see a guy walking his St. Bernard, and the dog is about to start running after a cat.\nPearl Jam says: Drop the leash! ("Leash")\nYou raise your hand in class to answer something, but the person picked before you says the exact same thing you were going to say.\nPearl Jam says: "Rats."\nYou are in a strange accident in which you poke a pen through your eye. The pen triggers a strange impulse in your brain, and you paralyze your right arm and the big toe on your left foot.\nPearl Jam says: I'm still alive. ("Alive")\nYou can probably already tell that Pearl Jam could give you some peace of mind in almost any situation. All you have to do is go through an average day (or a really strange day in the case of some of the situations), and an idea from Pearl Jam should just pop up.\nSo go out and live your lives like people with all the answers, because you have them all. You are now equipped to take on anything that comes your way.\nOh, but before you go, remember one thing. \nBeware of the elderly woman behind the counter in a small town because she has a daughter that is ready to release an even flow on the garden, the porch and a whole bunch of yellow ledbetters. \nIf you remember that, then you are sure to live in a perennial state of love and trust.