Monica, please go away

Americans are no longer the true bearers of bad taste. \nWhile we have produced things such as Vanilla Ice and "Big Brother," we are now running a close second to Britain when it comes to displaying our cultural warts.\nA British television network is going to pay Monica Lewinsky to report on American \nculture.\nPlease, try to control your enthusiasm. \nAnd you thought her appearance on the "Tom Green Show" was the end of it all, didn't you?\nThat Monica sure is resilient, isn't she? It's been practically a year since she landed our not-so-lame duck president in a Senate trial. And Monica still won't go away.\nIt didn't take people this long to forget about Watergate. \nHer spokeswoman, Juli Nadler, said Monica will be the host of six segments for a British television station called "Postcards from Monica." They will air starting in November.\nBut the interesting part about Monica's segments is not the information that will be included. The compelling part is going to be the information she won't open her mouth for.\nNadler said, "Monica's agreement with … Channel 5 stipulates what has always been her position -- that she refuses to make any public comment on any political issues, including the U.S. elections."\nA presidential election seems like a big thing to leave out of segments about American culture, doesn't it? It only happens every four years, and results of the election will probably be part of every news segment for most of November. \nSo what is Monica going to report on? \nWell, one of her segments could be about the handbag phenomenon she didn't start when she introduced a line of crappy purses. Or she could talk about how she wrote a book that's main source of inspiration is a blow job. Or maybe she could do an in-depth report on what it takes to become a political icon.\nIt no longer takes winning an election or kissing any babies. The only things needed for political fame nowadays are Linda Tripp and a stained dress. \nWhat we need to do is stop Monica and every part of her little freak show.\nWe should just pull her aside and say, "Look, you might have been taken advantage of, but this has got to stop. The way you've kept your face around after this mess shows that you're not that stupid. But please ... go away. Leave all the countries in this world alone and just fall off the political face of this earth. You don't have to leave the country, but it's time you left our TV sets."\nThat's all that would need to be said. \nMonica would likely see an appearance on a British network is in bad taste, and she would agree that leaving our immediate view would be the best idea. How could she do anything else? She's displayed the best judgement in the past few years.\nOn second thought, maybe we should take a baseball bat to the meeting. Knocking her silly might now be the most tactful thing to do, but we'll just find some British people to do it. \nIf they just follow the lead of one of their TV networks, they'll see they're already exercising bad taste.