By
Joe Grace
·
Wednesday, Oct. 16,2002 7:08 p.m.
Indiana University needs a new president.
And the IUSA (I Usually Smell like Armpits) has a solution to this pressing dilemma. In the vein of "Work Hard, Play Hard" and "Vote Hard," IUSA will soon announce plans for a new initiative tentatively entitled, "Preside Hard."
That's right. IUSA is going to hold a raffle to see who gets to be the next president of Indiana University. You could be the next president of our college!
Billy Bob the Buckaroo, the totally imaginary spokesperson for IUSA President Bill Gray, said "Preside Hard" will get students to "at least stop thinking about the Corvette disaster. That was such a bad idea. Woo boy. That's probably one of the dumbest things we've ever done. Man, we must have been really drunk. Heck, I don't remember. What was your question again?"
The raffle will be open to all students except those whose last name start with the letter "G" or "P." "We feel that anybody whose last name could be possibly silent (i.e. gnu, pneumonia) should not be allowed to be president," justified the Buckaroo. A few students have pointed out that the letters "H" and "W" could also be construed as being silent (i.e. hour, whole), but the IUSA could not hear their complaints over the revving of a nearby Corvette engine.
Many students are excited about the possibility of becoming president.
"I would make a great president," said imaginary student (bet you didn't know there were this many imaginary people on campus) Georgie Porgie. "The first thing I'd do would be to launch a pre-emptive attack on any nearby college that may pose a threat to us. Doesn't Purdue University have some nuclear stuff? Do Boilermakers constitute an imminent threat?"