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(09/14/04 5:54am)
I spent the weekend at Kilroy's Sports Bar watching football. No, I mean the whole weekend. Sixteen hours, 13 pitchers of beer (that I can remember), 18 chicken wings, 20-something televisions and two blood-shot eyes later, here is what I have to report:\nDid anyone else who watched the IU-Oregon game keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to run onto the field and tell our players they had just been "Punk'd?" But seriously, great win for Gerry and the boys -- now really impress me by winning two-in-a-row on the road.\nThe University of Southern California and quarterback Matt Leinart got back on track, and the Trojans added more than 300 yards on the ground. Impressive, but it would have been even better if they hadn't been playing a high school team.\nFlorida State lost to Miami; apparently someone forgot to tell Chris Rix that the game had been moved to Friday. I don't think he even showed up. Two experts on ESPN picked him as their preseason Heisman Trophy favorite, but unless they give an award for most disappointing college career, I don't think Mr. Rix will be taking home any hardware in December.\nIn the pro ranks, the Lions beat the Bears in one of the ugliest games I have ever seen. Who decided that Rex Grossman and Joey Harrington could lead their franchises? These guys make Allen Iverson look like General Patton. \nPeyton Manning did what he does best -- he lost to the Patriots. It is truly amazing -- he plays like Ryan Leaf whenever Tom Brady and his chin are in the same zip code as the Colts. \nThe Bengals lost in Carson Palmer's debut, but the kid looked good. The problem came when a slowly decomposing Curtis Martin ran for nearly 200 yards for the Jets; I thought Marvin Lewis was supposed to be a defensive genius.\nDrew Brees played mistake-free football -- that's a first -- and the Chargers won on the road against the Texans. You know Drew, if you had played like this last year, the team would never have had to go through the whole Eli-Archie-Philip Rivers thing.\nSpeaking of Miss Elisha Manning, the Giants dropped their game, literally. Kurt Warner and Manning fumbled a combined three times. Hey Eli, hope all your whining about San Diego was worth it when the New York media starts in on you. \nTerrell Owens and Donovan McNabb hooked up for three touchdowns in the game. They made carving up the Giants' secondary look easier than Paris Hilton after a few drinks.\nThe Ravens got smacked around by the Browns and failed to score a touchdown. But to be fair, Brian Billick is a genius, just ask him. Deion had a pretty quiet debut -- he only missed three open-field tackles that I saw. Not a bad day for 'Primetime' at all.\nThe Redskins won in the return of Joe Gibbs. Clinton Portis had a 64-yard touchdown on his first carry of the game. No, Mr. Shanahan, it was a great trade, seriously. \nThe Broncos beat the Chiefs; somewhere Dick Vermeil is crying.\nIt was a rough weekend for me -- I'm physically tired, mentally drained and I think I have to burn my clothes just to get rid of the smell of cigarettes and stale beer. It is going to take me at least a week to recover, and who knows if I'll even make it to class this week. I don't think I will ever be able to set foot in a sports bar ever again ... until Saturday of course.
(09/08/04 5:58am)
Don't call me this weekend. I'll be too busy to bother with trivial things like a social life or family members. I've got important things to tend to. So if you desperately need to get a hold of me this weekend, here's a little advice: call on Monday, I'll be watching football all weekend.\nYes the NFL season kicks off Thursday night and not a moment too soon. All summer we have been hearing about steroids in baseball, human growth hormones at the Olympics and the fact that Ricky Williams would rather be Cheech than Jim Brown. Not that these discussions haven't been fun, but I think its time to cut out the philosophical chatter and just watch guys hit each other. \nThe best part about the new season is all of the soap opera stories that will be unfolding. I can't wait until an announcer ignites a quarterback controversy in New York by analyzing the way Eli Manning looks at Kurt Warner as he comes off the field. Incidentally, I was doing my fantasy football draft the other day and I got a call from Archie Manning telling me not to draft Eli. What's up with that? \nI know I'll be watching Miami's first game just to play the new Dolphins drinking game. Every time an announcer says, "Ricky Williams" you have to take a shot -- plan on being wasted by halftime.\nAnd don't forget Deion in Baltimore. Yes, Deion Sanders has returned solely to provide sound-bytes for the media. This is the guy who once refused to pay almost $3,000 for work done on his car, saying, "Praise Jesus. I follow in my heart what I'm told to pay." I wish I could use the Jesus discount for my tuition.\nThen there is San Diego, where MY Chargers have arguably the best player in the NFL, LaDainian Tomlinson, and some extras from "Angels in the End Zone." These guys can barely strap on their own helmets, let alone actually make plays. The last time the Chargers had a winning season (1995) I was playing John Madden football on my Sega Genesis and Kordell Stewart looked like a great young quarterback. \nIt breaks my heart to see my home team this bad, but after the way the front office has handled this off-season they might as well gas up the dingy and go fishing with Fredo, because they're dead to me. Side note: if my Bolts happen to make the playoffs through a miracle from God, I never printed that last line. \nFootball season means that certain things are back to normal. John Madden is butchering names during broadcasts, Brett Favre is defying the odds by playing injured and someone on the Dallas Cowboys is getting arrested. It also means that my buddy Ike is giving me bad fantasy football advice. This is a guy who once cost me the championship because he convinced me that "Amani Toomer will have a bigger week than Cris Carter." After Carter scored his third touchdown I left him an obscenity-laced voice mail. I'm still not completely over it.\nThe best part about the NFL season is watching all the "experts'" picks go horribly wrong. Last year, I saw two broadcasters pick a Giants-Steelers Super Bowl, nice work guys. But honestly who saw the Carolina Panthers coming last year? I'm sorry but Jake Delhomme still doesn't strike fear into my heart. The point is that no one ever knows what is going to happen and any team could come out of nowhere to win a championship -- except the Chargers.
(08/31/04 5:51am)
First off, I just want to answer some "fan mail." To IUgymnast03: No, having your boyfriend beat up an Indiana Daily Student columnist is also not a sport. Moving on . . .\nIn case you haven't been watching, the United States has absolutely cleaned up to the tune of 103 medals at the Athens Olympics. That's all well and good, but I'm more concerned with the events we didn't win. Sure it's great that athletes from our country won gold in prone shooting and the "fan-friendly" sport of fencing, but they also failed to win events they had dominated for years. On the track, our men's and women's 400-meter relay teams failed to win gold, we failed to even qualify in baseball and were embarrassed in another sport we invented -- basketball. \nThe so-called "Dream Team" dropped games to Lithuania, Argentina and Puerto Rico, which is alright because when I think about good basketball, Puerto Rico is the first place that comes to mind. Instead of reveling in the courageous performances of Shawn Marion and Lamar Odom, let's focus on the guys who turned down a shot at gold to spend their summers avoiding terrorism by going to various tropical vacation spots.\nApparently being introduced by Will Smith at the Video Music Awards was more important to Shaq than winning glory for his country. Richard Hamilton and Ben Wallace won an NBA title with the Pistons and head coach Larry Brown this year but decided their coach needed to work for his gold medal, so they "regretfully" declined. Jason Kidd wanted to spend time with his wife and kids, which I could understand, if they weren't at all of his games! Even Doug Christie thinks he's whipped. \nRay Allen would have added much-needed outside shooting to the team, but he decided to sit this one out rather than save his country from inevitable embarrassment. And beloved local boy Jermaine O'Neal also avoided Athens because apparently he felt Carlos Boozer needed more playing time. \nAnd speaking of Duke University, why can't we have college players added to the roster as back-ups instead of spoiled NBA players who complain about playing time? Are you telling me that a shooter like J.J. Redick would not have helped take pressure off of a terminally confused Tim Duncan? After two weeks on a boat, Duncan went from best player in the NBA to George Leach. \nIf college players aren't a possibility, how about we add some NBA role players? You know, guys who can actually contribute coming off the bench. Michael Redd is an emerging superstar who can (gasp) shoot the ball, and Tayshaun Prince showed his value by providing outside shooting and great defense during Detroit's title run. And does anyone else think it was crazy not to play LeBron James more? All he did when he entered the game was spark an incredibly anemic offense and liven up a sleepwalking team. I'm not saying that this team wasn't trying, but like Terrell Owens said, "If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat." \nAfter the bronze medal game, captain Allen Iverson seemed content with the bronze, saying, "You want to win the whole thing, but you've got to cherish the fact that you were able to win something." They call this guy captain because the team was staying on a yacht, right? \nBut should I really be this upset about not winning the gold in a sport we invented? You obviously haven't seen me at IU football games.
(08/26/04 4:35am)
So I was watching the gymnastics "Champion's Gala" last night trying to figure out what that throbbing in my temple was. After no less than two hours of Arabian dismounts, double layouts and Korean guys complaining about scoring, I realized what was going on. \nMy brain was screaming at me. "I shouldn't have to put up with this. It's not a sport." That led me to one conclusion: I had to spearhead the movement to inform the world that it's time to stop calling some events sports.\nWhat makes a sport a sport? \nLet's not look at it that way. Let's view it as "What makes something not a sport?" I've come up with some simple rules that even you new freshmen could understand. \nFirst off, a sport cannot require judges to tell us which competitors are better than others. The essence of a sport is that it is a competition between athletes, rather than athletes fulfilling "required elements" and then being arbitrarily judged by an international group of morons. I mean, come on, it's a lot harder to bribe the scorekeeper at Fenway than it is an Olympic judge. In a real sport, the winner is obvious to all viewers. Also, anything where Romania is a superpower is irrelevant. Adios gymnastics, figure skating and skateboarding. \nThe second rule is a little harder to take for some. Just because you are performing an athletic activity doesn't mean you are playing a sport. Golf takes incredible motor skill and concentration, but 300-pound guys named Duffy (Waldorf) can not be athletes. Also, being able to hit a stationary target from 50 yards is nothing compared to throwing a 50-yard spiral or nailing the go-ahead run at the plate from left field. So, unless you plan on invading Troy sometime in the near future, don't expect to see gold medalist Park Sung-hyun's celebrity archery invitational on ABC any time soon. Also not sports: any kind of shooting, weightlifting and, I'm sorry ladies, I have to include cheerleading.\nThe third rule is a pet peeve of mine; There should be no music involved unless it's between innings. Synchronized swimming is one of the most mind boggling events I have ever watched. Who comes up with this stuff? Instead of swimming forward like normal people, let's twirl around in circles doing exactly the same thing and see who can do it better. Did a pair of creepy telepathic twins develop this event? And I have a question to anyone reading this out there: Why is there music during the women's floor routine in gymnastics and not during the men's? Rhythmic gymnastics and any type of dance are out. \nFour: animals are not athletes. I'm looking in your direction equestrian competition. And shouldn't the horse be getting the medal anyway?\nThe last rule is pretty simple: If I don't understand the rules, it's not a sport. Let's face it, does anybody really know what is going on in team handball? Isn't that played with a big red rubber ball at recess? What's next? Olympic four square and hop-scotch? Also included in this section is water polo for reasons too long to explain. Judo, Olympic boxing (what's with the points system?), sailing and fencing are eliminated here as well. \nBut if America is good at it, I'll be the jerk in the back of Scotty's critiquing the dismount of a 16-year-old Russian girl after her routine on the uneven bars.