So I'm not a good sport

So I was watching the gymnastics "Champion's Gala" last night trying to figure out what that throbbing in my temple was. After no less than two hours of Arabian dismounts, double layouts and Korean guys complaining about scoring, I realized what was going on. \nMy brain was screaming at me. "I shouldn't have to put up with this. It's not a sport." That led me to one conclusion: I had to spearhead the movement to inform the world that it's time to stop calling some events sports.\nWhat makes a sport a sport? \nLet's not look at it that way. Let's view it as "What makes something not a sport?" I've come up with some simple rules that even you new freshmen could understand. \nFirst off, a sport cannot require judges to tell us which competitors are better than others. The essence of a sport is that it is a competition between athletes, rather than athletes fulfilling "required elements" and then being arbitrarily judged by an international group of morons. I mean, come on, it's a lot harder to bribe the scorekeeper at Fenway than it is an Olympic judge. In a real sport, the winner is obvious to all viewers. Also, anything where Romania is a superpower is irrelevant. Adios gymnastics, figure skating and skateboarding. \nThe second rule is a little harder to take for some. Just because you are performing an athletic activity doesn't mean you are playing a sport. Golf takes incredible motor skill and concentration, but 300-pound guys named Duffy (Waldorf) can not be athletes. Also, being able to hit a stationary target from 50 yards is nothing compared to throwing a 50-yard spiral or nailing the go-ahead run at the plate from left field. So, unless you plan on invading Troy sometime in the near future, don't expect to see gold medalist Park Sung-hyun's celebrity archery invitational on ABC any time soon. Also not sports: any kind of shooting, weightlifting and, I'm sorry ladies, I have to include cheerleading.\nThe third rule is a pet peeve of mine; There should be no music involved unless it's between innings. Synchronized swimming is one of the most mind boggling events I have ever watched. Who comes up with this stuff? Instead of swimming forward like normal people, let's twirl around in circles doing exactly the same thing and see who can do it better. Did a pair of creepy telepathic twins develop this event? And I have a question to anyone reading this out there: Why is there music during the women's floor routine in gymnastics and not during the men's? Rhythmic gymnastics and any type of dance are out. \nFour: animals are not athletes. I'm looking in your direction equestrian competition. And shouldn't the horse be getting the medal anyway?\nThe last rule is pretty simple: If I don't understand the rules, it's not a sport. Let's face it, does anybody really know what is going on in team handball? Isn't that played with a big red rubber ball at recess? What's next? Olympic four square and hop-scotch? Also included in this section is water polo for reasons too long to explain. Judo, Olympic boxing (what's with the points system?), sailing and fencing are eliminated here as well. \nBut if America is good at it, I'll be the jerk in the back of Scotty's critiquing the dismount of a 16-year-old Russian girl after her routine on the uneven bars.