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(10/25/07 11:59pm)
Allow me to share an anecdote. On a road trip this summer, my older sister and I pulled over for coffee and pancakes at a Waffle House in Alabama. Straight up, she put about six spoonfuls of sugar in her coffee. This is not acceptable behavior for an adult. That is all. \nUnfortunately, too many members of our generation are failing to realize this and are mixing obnoxious amounts of sugar into their coffee. I, as a true coffee drinker, find this behavior personally and morally offensive. If these persons want to drink hot chocolate, they may do so. However, taking a perfectly good cup of coffee and essentially turning it into hot chocolate is immature and uncalled for. \nCollege students everywhere who are teetering on the edge of adulthood need to take a step in the right direction and stop putting so much godforsaken sugar in their coffees. No legitimate adult puts more than two packets of sugar in a cup of coffee, and that is fact. \nDo you think George W. Bush could get away with dumping six spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee? No. He would get impeached for that. \nRegardless, this phenomenon is legitimate and needs to be addressed, unfortunate as it is. \nOne possible explanation for this sugar buzz trend so popular among America’s young adults is the growing hipness of coffee shops and coffee itself. Hanging out in coffee shops is a very socially acceptable way to spend one’s time in the post-9/11 world. Those who don’t actually like coffee are finding themselves lost at sea. \nLike damaged youths, they deal with their frustrations by acting out. \nThese coffee imposters try to cope with their isolation in two primary ways. The first, as I mentioned earlier, is to load their coffees with heaping spoonfuls of sugar so that it masquerades as real-people coffee. The second is to refer to drinks that aren’t coffee as “coffee” in conversation. \n“Time for a coffee break, LADIES!!!”; “Oh my God, I so need a coffee if I’m going to finish my LAMP project, LOL!!!”; and, “Oh this paper cup in my hand? It’s a cup of coffee” are phrases I hear on a daily basis. Who do I hear them from most often? Sorority girls holding cups of mocha lattes, Frappuccinos and caramel macchiatos. \nThey do this when I am at the counter of a coffee shop, filling my coffee cup with an acceptable amount of sugar (one packet) and milk (a few teaspoons or whatever). They do this in an attempt to equate their pitiful charade with my professional, adult acceptance of coffee as it is. \nAnd they need to cut it out.\nYoung ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to make a choice. To choose a side. Adulthood or sweets. Good or evil. To quote the great Bob Dylan: “The times, they are a-changin’.” If you don’t stop messing around with your pathetic make-believe world, the real one will leave you in the dust.\nThis is a big deal.
(10/12/07 3:16am)
Numerous articles published in recent years have cited the pending extinction of polar bears as one of the most devastating effects of global warming. \nAdvocates for polar bears argue that global warming is drowning them, as the bears are used to spending most of their time on ice floes rather than in the water. Global warming is also starving them by shortening their hunting season.\n“Bear”-ing this in mind, I feel it is my duty as a fellow resident of planet Earth to offer the polar bear population some tips for surviving the effects of global warming in the coming years.\nPolar bears: Pull your shit together!\nAccording to alleged “scientists” and Jim Carlton of the Wall Street Journal, “Polar bears can swim long distances but have evolved to mainly swim between sheets of ice.” Well, maybe they should consider evolving again and actually get it right this time. \nOr they could just learn to swim better. \nWhen I was born, my parents made the active decision that they did not want me to drown. As a result, I was placed in swimming lessons at the Riviera Club at the age of 3. It isn’t rocket science, polar bears. They may not have something as fancy as the Riviera Club out there in the Arctic, but I assume that some accommodations can be made for interested parties. It’s a standard supply and demand issue. If you build it, bears, they will come. \nAt this point you may be asking, “What is this idiot columnist talking about?” And of course, you make a fine point. \nWhat are old bears, born before the option of swim clubs, supposed to do? \nI recommend getting stronger. Normal people who want to achieve a physical feat train for it. They do things such as lift weights and drink protein shakes. Why should polar bears be any different? \nIt isn’t like these bears have jobs or anything to do all day. They certainly have time to train. The issue is whether or not they are too focused on suntanning and drinking Coca-Cola on those godforsaken ice floes to actually get off their asses and pump some iron once in a blue moon. \nIf the polar bear population is adamant about refusing to change its ways, then I recommend the bears take political action themselves. They need to stop letting Greenpeace and Al Gore act as their mouthpieces in Washington. This behavior is lazy and, frankly, inexcusable. \nI mean, would it kill them to organize a protest on Capitol Hill or a charity luncheon? \nIf all else fails, polar bears should open a freaking history book once in awhile. The deadbeat wooly-mammoth population paid for its refusal to evolve with extinction. If polar bears are eager to meet the same fate, they should continue their lackluster efforts to enact change.
(09/28/07 1:05am)
I eat poorly. And I don’t mean eating poorly in the typical college sense. I don’t generally OD on Munch ‘Ems and “utility”-sized bags of chocolate Twizzlers while staying up late writing a paper on Machiavelli. No, my problem is much worse than the typical 2 a.m. dorm room dilemma. \nMy problem is that I try to cook. \nThere are things I cook and eat that I would never, ever serve to another human being. Except for maybe a mortal enemy or my eighth grade life science teacher. She made me stand in front of the whole class with a smoky, charred face as an example of how not to handle a Bunsen burner, and for that she most certainly deserves the handful of the soggy granola I enjoyed for breakfast this morning. But no one else does. \nSo, if Ms. Beterman is the only person I know who deserves that granola, why did I eat it? \nSimilarly, one might ask why, last week, did I consume the most disgusting grilled cheese sandwich ever. It was burned and then put in the microwave to try to melt the cheese, but then all the cheese oozed out so that nothing was left but two pieces of burned bread and slimy American cheese with weird inexplicable air bubbles in it. \nI’ll tell you why I ate that grilled cheese. I ate it for the same reason I eat stale granola and mealy apples and suckers that have that weird gummy film around them from being old and in someone’s pocket. I eat these things because I bought them. They are mine, and I paid money for them. \nDon’t get me wrong. It’s not like I eat when I’m not hungry. I’m not the type of person who will throw the entire bag of freezer burned stir fry into the frying pan just because it’s about to go bad. I must draw the line somewhere and I’ve got no desire to put on 10 pounds of nothing but guilt and stale things. So instead, I’ll eat the freezer-burned stir fry two nights in a row and have a stomach ache two nights in a row. Still gross, but worse than extra weight? That’s debatable. \nIn any event, I feel that too many college kids, myself definitely included, fall into the trap of feeling obliged to make use of every little thing they buy. Being in college changes us in that way. We start to think about things completely differently. It’s one thing to pour Mom and Dad’s milk down the drain when it’s a day over the expiration, but it is most certainly another thing to pour our own $3.29 down that drain. Or, you know, bathroom sink if you live in the dorms. \nI could say that we should stop this. That it’s gross. That “life’s too short to drink cheap wine.” But the fact of the matter is it’s kind of picturesque. It kind of seems like something one should go through in college, along with other character building necessities like onenight stands. \nSo go ahead, eat that stale bread and drink that flat soda. Do it in the name of character building. Personal growth. Experience. And don’t think twice about it, because in the end, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. \nExcept for E. coli. I hear that can actually kill you.
(09/14/07 12:03am)
To any informed citizen, 2008 only means one thing: unofficial presidential T-shirts! All election decisions this year can and should be made based on whose campaign merchandise is most in line with your needs. \nFor example, if you support free music downloading, you should vote for Barack Obama in 2008. He has campaign T-shirts that read “Barack and Roll.” Clearly he supports the free trade of music on the Internet. I bet he’s written some bills up in Congress about that, but I’m not going to bother to look. Why do research when all the facts are spelled out on a white ringer-T? \nAnd Kucinich! Do you want to legalize prostitution? Well, you’ve found the man who will make it happen. Buy a T-shirt that says, “I’m a Koochie Man” and get the word out about the cause you believe in! And if you want to legalize marijuana, some T-shirts have peace signs and hearts on them. \nSee? Researching campaign issues is fun! Let’s do some more! \nAll those people in the “Ron Paul Revolution” T-shirts look so happy. And I know why. Paul obviously wants to have a big, huge revolution and spread democracy all over the world, especially in the Middle East. “Who Is Ron Paul?” I know the answer now! “Ron Paul is a crusader for world democracy,” clearly. \nHillary Clinton’s campaign has some merchandise that reads “Bill for First Lady.” Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Because I’m thinking that one time in the sixth grade, I read this creepy short story where people could take pills to change their sexes, and they would do it if they were going to a party or something, and then afterwards, they would just take another pill and change back! That’s weird, Hillary. \nInstead of a catchy slogan or pop art-esque drawing, Rudy Giulliani’s merchandise mostly just features his first name, Rudy. The only thing I can decipher from these “Rudy 2008” T-shirts is that he has been married three times and hates homeless people. \nFred Thompson’s T-shirts have a picture of his head and the words “Fred Head” written under it. I don’t know what that means. \nMost of the other ‘08 presidential nominees made no effort to convey their political platforms through their campaign merchandise and instead, simply used their last name as some sort of makeshift slogan. As if we are supposed to just magically know what their ideas are? Yeah right! If not through merchandise, fellas, how are we supposed to know what you believe in?\nHopefully my words have helped you sort out which candidates are most in line with your own political and personal beliefs. I encourage you all to do further research on your own time. You could visit the local thrift store to find out what past candidates believed in. Or watch TV news to see what the candidates look like. John Edwards is really tan. That must mean something! \nHowever, if you don’t have the time, feel free to take this column with you to the voting booth next November and use it as a guide.
(09/19/06 2:59am)
IT'S ALL GREEK -- Actors entertain Friday at the Third Street Park outdoor stage during the Monroe County Civic Theater's production of "Pericles, Prince of Tyre" by William Shakespeare. \nThe Monroe County Civic Theater has outdoor shows in the park during July and August; "Pericles" will be performed again September 22nd and 23rd.
(09/19/06 2:28am)
SOUL -- Edward Jackson dons sunglasses and a microphone as he beatboxes during a performance at the Soul Food Festival, held Saturday at Karst Farm Park. The festival's theme was "feed your body and feed your soul." Patrons enjoyed food, music, informational booths.
(09/11/06 3:08am)
In the pool -- \nA dog frolics with one of the many tennis balls floating Sunday at the Bryan Park pool during "Drool in the Pool," an event sponsored by White River Co-op and Bloomington City Parks and Recreation.
(09/04/06 3:30am)
Ivy Richardson, 5, checks out her painted face in the mirror at a children's booth at the Fourth Street Arts and Crafts Festival Saturday.
(04/26/06 3:37am)
HOLOCAUST COMMEMORATION - Marija Krupoves performs Yiddish folk songs in a program titled "Cultural Life in the Vilna Ghetto" during the George J. Stolnitz Holocaust Memorial Program, held Monday in the Whittenberger Auditorium at the Indiana Memorial Union. Her concert consisted of songs composed by survivors of the Vilna Ghetto.
(02/24/06 5:08am)
The Gumboot Dance Group practices in the halls of the Indiana Memorial Union before its performance at Thursday's Africana Festival in Alumni Hall.