The bear necessities

Numerous articles published in recent years have cited the pending extinction of polar bears as one of the most devastating effects of global warming. \nAdvocates for polar bears argue that global warming is drowning them, as the bears are used to spending most of their time on ice floes rather than in the water. Global warming is also starving them by shortening their hunting season.\n“Bear”-ing this in mind, I feel it is my duty as a fellow resident of planet Earth to offer the polar bear population some tips for surviving the effects of global warming in the coming years.\nPolar bears: Pull your shit together!\nAccording to alleged “scientists” and Jim Carlton of the Wall Street Journal, “Polar bears can swim long distances but have evolved to mainly swim between sheets of ice.” Well, maybe they should consider evolving again and actually get it right this time. \nOr they could just learn to swim better. \nWhen I was born, my parents made the active decision that they did not want me to drown. As a result, I was placed in swimming lessons at the Riviera Club at the age of 3. It isn’t rocket science, polar bears. They may not have something as fancy as the Riviera Club out there in the Arctic, but I assume that some accommodations can be made for interested parties. It’s a standard supply and demand issue. If you build it, bears, they will come. \nAt this point you may be asking, “What is this idiot columnist talking about?” And of course, you make a fine point. \nWhat are old bears, born before the option of swim clubs, supposed to do? \nI recommend getting stronger. Normal people who want to achieve a physical feat train for it. They do things such as lift weights and drink protein shakes. Why should polar bears be any different? \nIt isn’t like these bears have jobs or anything to do all day. They certainly have time to train. The issue is whether or not they are too focused on suntanning and drinking Coca-Cola on those godforsaken ice floes to actually get off their asses and pump some iron once in a blue moon. \nIf the polar bear population is adamant about refusing to change its ways, then I recommend the bears take political action themselves. They need to stop letting Greenpeace and Al Gore act as their mouthpieces in Washington. This behavior is lazy and, frankly, inexcusable. \nI mean, would it kill them to organize a protest on Capitol Hill or a charity luncheon? \nIf all else fails, polar bears should open a freaking history book once in awhile. The deadbeat wooly-mammoth population paid for its refusal to evolve with extinction. If polar bears are eager to meet the same fate, they should continue their lackluster efforts to enact change.