Hail to the T's

To any informed citizen, 2008 only means one thing: unofficial presidential T-shirts! All election decisions this year can and should be made based on whose campaign merchandise is most in line with your needs. \nFor example, if you support free music downloading, you should vote for Barack Obama in 2008. He has campaign T-shirts that read “Barack and Roll.” Clearly he supports the free trade of music on the Internet. I bet he’s written some bills up in Congress about that, but I’m not going to bother to look. Why do research when all the facts are spelled out on a white ringer-T? \nAnd Kucinich! Do you want to legalize prostitution? Well, you’ve found the man who will make it happen. Buy a T-shirt that says, “I’m a Koochie Man” and get the word out about the cause you believe in! And if you want to legalize marijuana, some T-shirts have peace signs and hearts on them. \nSee? Researching campaign issues is fun! Let’s do some more! \nAll those people in the “Ron Paul Revolution” T-shirts look so happy. And I know why. Paul obviously wants to have a big, huge revolution and spread democracy all over the world, especially in the Middle East. “Who Is Ron Paul?” I know the answer now! “Ron Paul is a crusader for world democracy,” clearly. \nHillary Clinton’s campaign has some merchandise that reads “Bill for First Lady.” Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Because I’m thinking that one time in the sixth grade, I read this creepy short story where people could take pills to change their sexes, and they would do it if they were going to a party or something, and then afterwards, they would just take another pill and change back! That’s weird, Hillary. \nInstead of a catchy slogan or pop art-esque drawing, Rudy Giulliani’s merchandise mostly just features his first name, Rudy. The only thing I can decipher from these “Rudy 2008” T-shirts is that he has been married three times and hates homeless people. \nFred Thompson’s T-shirts have a picture of his head and the words “Fred Head” written under it. I don’t know what that means. \nMost of the other ‘08 presidential nominees made no effort to convey their political platforms through their campaign merchandise and instead, simply used their last name as some sort of makeshift slogan. As if we are supposed to just magically know what their ideas are? Yeah right! If not through merchandise, fellas, how are we supposed to know what you believe in?\nHopefully my words have helped you sort out which candidates are most in line with your own political and personal beliefs. I encourage you all to do further research on your own time. You could visit the local thrift store to find out what past candidates believed in. Or watch TV news to see what the candidates look like. John Edwards is really tan. That must mean something! \nHowever, if you don’t have the time, feel free to take this column with you to the voting booth next November and use it as a guide.