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(02/07/08 8:35pm)
QUESTION: Sometimes my boyfriend watches porn and I can feel intimidated by this. I know this is a common and natural thing for people to do. Sometimes I think I’m okay with this and other times I can’t quit thinking why - Am I not pleasing him enough? Are the girls in his porn prettier than me? Is he thinking about them? I have talked to him about this before and he says it’s not a big deal and I have nothing at all to worry about. So why do I feel intimidated still? I know I should not and that I have nothing to worry about but I still do worry sometimes! I love him very much and do not want this to be a problem at all. I want to be okay and fine with this. I just don’t know how not to feel intimidated by this all the time. Any advice or facts on this would be great fully appreciated!\nANSWER: Although it is common for many men and, to a lesser extent, women, to watch porn, it is also common for many people to have questions or insecurities about their partner’s choice to watch sexually explicit materials. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling anxious or uncomfortable about your boyfriend’s interest in porn. It is good that you are aware of your feelings.\nMany people use porn as part of their masturbation routine because it can be a quick, enjoyable or easy means of sexual arousal. This does not mean that it is more arousing than you or that your boyfriend prefers porn actresses to you; his use of porn may be part of a long-standing habit that says more about his masturbation routine than it does about his relationship with, or feelings for, you. I commend you for trying to communicate with your boyfriend and address the issue of how he can enjoy this part of his sexuality at the same time that you can come to feel comfortable it. \nYou mentioned that when you talked to him about his, he said that his porn watching was not a big deal and that you had nothing to worry about. While he was likely trying to reassure you, it may be that you need more from the conversation in order to feel adequately reassured. You might consider approaching him again and saying something like, “I know that we’ve discussed your watching porn before, and I understand that this feels normal to you, but it would help me to talk to you more about my fears so that I can learn to feel better about this.”\nIn relationships, it is good to voice your concerns rather than keep them secret, and you may find that conversations go more easily when you use “I messages” where you express how you feel rather than focus on what someone else does (e.g., “When I think about you watching porn, I feel insecure” rather than “You make me feel insecure”). \nSometimes it can be helpful to give your partner insight into your train of thought, as in “Sometimes when I think about you watching porn, I can’t help but wonder whether I’m pretty enough, sexy enough or arousing enough for you. I know you don’t mean for this to happen, but these are my feelings and I’d like to talk about this with you so that I can feel better about it.”\nYou two may also want to negotiate boundaries. For example, just because you want to become okay with him watching porn does not mean that it is okay with you under all circumstances. If you don’t want to see it yourself, or you don’t want him watching it when you are home, it is okay to discuss that. \nAll relationships have their challenges and learning to communicate in gentle, respectful and effective ways is key. You may find the book The Relationship Cure by Dr. John Gottman to be a \nhelpful resource.
(02/04/08 7:02pm)
Question: I am a sexually active, heterosexual male in a monogamous relationship. Recently, at or near climax during vaginal sex my condom slipped off completely. I didn’t know this until I reached to hold onto it as I withdrew. My girlfriend hadn’t felt it either. It was difficult to retrieve and went near her cervix. Along with condoms, we also use vaginal contraceptive foam, but considering the depth the condom had reached we opted to use Plan B emergency contraceptive as well. My question is two-fold. First, why did this happen. I produce a lot of pre-cum; does this have anything to do with it? I did not lose my erection, the width of my penis is average, and the length is above average. Second, and more importantly, how can this be prevented in the future? I am now distracted by checking the position of my condom. Should I use something like a c-ring to keep my condom in place? I’m happy with my mainstream brand and type of condom otherwise. Any information you could provide me would be most appreciated. \nAnswer: Good for you and your partner for working together to use generally effective means of safer sex. Condoms sometimes slip off or break. Occasionally the reasons are clear-cut. For example, if the condom is far too small for a man’s penis, it may be at a higher risk of breakage. If the condom is far too large, it may be at a higher risk of slipping off during sex. If a couple uses too much lubricant during sex, or places a good deal of lubricant inside of the condom, then that may also increase the risk of slippage. \nOther times the reasons for breakage or slippage are less clear. Uncircumcised men sometimes have a slightly higher risk of condom slippage than men whose penises have been circumcised, likely due to the way the foreskin moves across the penis during intercourse, and therefore also moves against the condom. \nIt is possible, but less likely, that your pre-ejaculate (“pre-cum”) is a significant contributor to condom slippage. Even if it is, you can’t change the amount of pre-ejaculate that your body releases. Instead, let’s focus on what you can change. \nIt may be, too, that the contraceptive foam makes things slippery enough that the condom becomes more prone to slipping off during sex (just as too much lubricant can do the same thing). \nYou can use a c-ring such as a one time use vibrating condom ring that are now available at some drug stores and large retail chains or through Condomania.com. Then again, vibrating c-rings such as the Jelly Tool Belt (pureromance.com) are reusable and their vibration lasts longer. C-rings (also called cock rings or erection rings) stretch over the base of a man’s penis to anchor the condom into place. \nIf this continues to worry you, then you and your partner might consider other ways to be sexual together than don’t increase your risk of pregnancy or infection transmission (if you two have not been tested or don’t know your infection status). If you still want to have intercourse with each other, consider additional methods of birth control such as the birth control pill, patch, shot or ring that will are highly effective at reducing the risk of pregnancy. To learn more about condom use and other methods of contraception, please check out plannedparenthood.org.
(01/31/08 5:00am)
Hot on the heels of 2006's "Rocky Balboa," the film that resurrected Sylvester Stallone's signature character 15 years after the series' last installment, Stallone's new picture "Rambo" breathes life into traumatized Vietnam veteran John Rambo after an almost-20-year hiatus. \nWe meet up with Rambo amidst his pursuit of the simple life just outside the borders of the civil-war-stricken Burma. He has kept himself fit via a regimen of wrangling exotic snakes for a seedy tourist joint, transporting passengers in his ancient-looking longboat and, of course, keeping a fresh supply of clean-head bandanas.\nUnfortunately, this quiet life is interrupted by a Christian missionary group that requests Rambo's assistance in traveling to war-torn Burma to aid civilians. It's a given that Rambo initially says "no," then quickly agrees due to a lifeless dialogue sequence with the earnest missionary Sarah (Julie Benz) that takes place in the pouring rain for no discernible reason. Also a given is the missionary group's capture, the appearance of a colorful group of mercenaries that aid in the search to find them and Rambo's iron-faced decision to burn all of Burma to the ground in hopes that he can save the whole hopeless lot of them.\nThe film is sprinkled with Rambo's signature characteristics. Rambo still wears head bandanas, and they all look surprisingly fresh and clean. His hair still always seems to be wet. There's still something amazingly fun about watching him scream while firing a fully automatic weapon. The result is an average action film that tries honorably to change the stifling cookie-cutter form of the cliched genre yet falls short in its attempt.\nThe acting isn't all bad. Rather, the movie-poster dialogue seems impossible to say without coming across as a bad actor ("Live for nothing or die for something"). The film's extreme violence is shocking at first, yet in the end it seems excessive. Rambo's faceless enemy lacks any depth that would make him appear scary; his evilness is shown only through the slaughtering of civilians and the defiling of many a young boy.\nThe film is fun at its best, lifeless and unmoving at its worst, but overall able to moderately please the average Rambo fan.
(11/28/07 11:52pm)
Q: How common is it for women to look at pornography? Also, is it common that a heterosexual female looks at lesbian pornography?\nA: Many people (women and men) look at sexual imagery though what they call these images vary. The word “pornography” has traditionally been seen as reflecting a negative sense of such imagery, though in contemporary times more people also seem to use the word “porn” in a positive way, to describe something that they enjoy looking at. However, “Sexually explicit” is a term that perhaps more accurately describes the range of images. Others prefer to use the term “erotica” which is a broader term and may more often be used to describe less explicit but still sexual imagery.\nWe don’t have reliable data on what percentage of the female population regularly looks at sexually explicit images. Many of the scientific studies related to the use of sexually explicit materials are not from nationally representative surveys; they are often surveys of select groups of adults (e.g., college students or relatively young readers of certain popular women’s magazines). These “convenience” samples of women tend to show that more than half of women have viewed explicit images or what some surveys describe as “porn”. Sometimes the figures are even as high as 70 or 80% of women (again, keeping in mind that these are select groups of women). We don’t necessarily know, however, what these women consider to be porn or a sexually explicit film, whether they enjoy what they see, whether they look at porn to fit in with their friends or to be liked or thought to be sexy by their partner, or whether they get very aroused by the images that they see. \nLooked at another way, some reports suggest that women are significant consumers of sexually explicit films/DVDs – that as many as 30% or 40% of adult video consumers are said to be women, and women are also said to make up a similar chunk of visitors to adult web sites. \nAgain, we don’t necessarily know what it is that women or watching or why they are watching it (or how they feel about watching it), though we do know from both research reports and anecdotal reports (e.g., what we hear from clients, friends, students, colleagues) that women – like men – watch a range of materials and that their choice of film images doesn’t necessarily reflect the types of sex they like in real life. \nMany people watch sexually explicit images of group sex, bondage, anal sex, or oral sex even though they may not partake in those types of sex. The same is true with sexual orientation – what you like on film doesn’t necessarily match up with what you like in waking life. \nWomen and men are often curious about sex in general – not necessarily sex with the gender of the person they are typically attracted to. As such, straight-identified folks sometimes look at gay or lesbian erotica and gay or lesbian identified individuals sometimes look at straight erotica. It does not mean that these people have sexual orientations that are any different than what they feel in their heart, or that they should change their choice in romantic or sexual partners based on what they like to watch on film or to feel aroused by on film; it may just be a reflection of the many ways in which we experience and express our sexuality. \nIf you’re interested in learning more about sexual images and porn, PBS Frontline put together a special a few years ago called American Porn and you can still find information about it online (www.pbs.org). We also feature a range of erotic art in our collections that you can learn more about at our web site (kinseyinstitute.org). Finally, you might also be interested in the annual collection of Best Women’s Erotica edited by Violet Blue which explores the different ways (including visual stimulation) that women and their partners enjoy sex – and sexual imagery.
(11/15/07 3:06am)
Question: My boyfriend and I have had sex on numerous occasions. The last time we decided to try a different position which he found quite enjoyable, but I unfortunately, did not. Not only was it initially painful, I also bled during this experience. Is this normal? The pain unfortunately didn't subside either. After intercourse, I moved slightly from the position I was in and was overwhelmed with abdominal pain comparable to the worst cramps/losing my virginity. Also, its been a couple of days since this last rendezvous and it stings somewhat when I urinate and sit down fast. Are these signs of an infection or normal because again, these symptoms are similar to the same occurrences I felt losing my virginity. I would also say they are similar to being scratched. Please help.\nAnswer: I am so sorry to hear that you have been experiencing pain and bleeding resulting from sex with your boyfriend. Many women have had similar experiences, sometimes just once, other times more often, from having sex. However, just because it is not unusual to have discomfort, pain or bleeding from sex does not mean that it is okay, “normal” or that pain during sex should be par from the course. Sex should not hurt – bottom line. When it does hurt, it is always worth checking out. \nYou might take a look at your genitals to see if you have visible cuts. Sometimes women tear during sex and these cuts can be seen with the naked eye; other times the cuts are very small and would either not be noticeable by most of us (being untrained to see these) but might be visible by a healthcare provider. Other times the cuts are incredibly small, or could be inside the vagina, and may not be easily seen but may certainly be felt. \nOften, if the pain and bleeding were as a result of slight tearing during sex, women tend to notice an improvement in their discomfort after a few days – particularly if they avoid anything (like vaginal penetration, whether with fingers, toys, a tampon or a penis) for a few days that might cause further irritation. In the mean time, if you want to be sexual with your partner, you might explore other ways of being sexually intimate together (e.g., kissing, making out, breast touching, sensual massage). \nIf the pain does not improve, if it hurts even when you are not using the bathroom, if the pain feels like it is still in your abdominal area rather than in your vagina, or if it generally just worries you or feels like something about which you would like a medical opinion, please do check in with a healthcare provider. It is fairly common for women to call their healthcare provider, explain to the nurse that they have had pain and bleeding from sex, and ask to be seen by their healthcare provider as soon as possible. This is not unusual and many women often feel reassured to have a trained healthcare professional take a look at their bodies to make sure that everything seems fine and healthy. \nSometimes after women or men have had an uncomfortable or painful sexual experience, they may feel hesitant to be sexual again with a partner. Consider talking with your boyfriend about what happened and share ideas about how you might try being sexual again with each other in ways that feel good, and how you can relax together and take sex more slowly at first if that’s what feels most comfortable. It is important to become comfortable with each other so that you know you can always tell each other when sex is feeling good, when it hurts, when you need to stop, or when you need to try something else. \nA good book to learn about sexual communication is For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy and for more information about safer, pleasurable sex – and how to talk to each other about exploration – you might like reading The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.
(11/15/07 3:04am)
Question: Hi, I’m a somewhat older undergraduate student (late 20s) and I still masturbate. Is that normal? Do men ever stop? I feel guilty about it.\nAnswer: Though not everybody chooses to masturbate, sex researchers have generally found that most men and women have masturbated at least once in their lives. Furthermore, many men and women masturbate at different times throughout their lives – not just in their teens or twenties, but even into their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond. It is also, of course, fine to not masturbate. Sexual behavior is a personal choice that should be respected. \nPeople have different feelings about masturbation which may have been shaped by their experiences with their families, religious institutions, education, or relationships with romantic partners. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling guilty about masturbating. You might find it helpful to know that not only do many women and men masturbate, but it is also a common behavior regardless of age, sexual orientation, and even relationship status. Some people mistakenly believe that masturbation is only for men or women who are single, who can’t get dates, whose partners won’t have sex with them or who are otherwise “desperate” for sex. In fact, researchers often find that masturbation is common among men and women who are in committed relationships or who are married, and is often part of a very healthy, fun, active, exciting and pleasurable sex life. Some partners even masturbate in front of each other. \nSex therapists often recommend masturbation to women who would like to learn to have an orgasm or to increase their own sexual pleasure. After all, touching yourself is a great way to learn about your body and what feels good to you. Similarly, sex therapists often recommend masturbation exercises to men who would like to learn to delay their ejaculation (“last longer”). Furthermore, some research suggests that for men, frequent ejaculation at younger ages (e.g., 20s, 30s) whether through masturbation or partner sex is associated with better prostate health as men age, as the prostate gland makes up a large amount of the fluid in men’s ejaculate (semen). \nYou can learn more about masturbation by reading The Big Book of Masturbation by Martha Conog and you can learn more about male sexuality from The New Male Sexuality by Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld. If you would like to talk to someone about your experiences, feelings or guilt related to masturbation, you might find it helpful to meet with a certified sex therapist (find one near you through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists – www.aasect.org).
(10/31/07 2:11am)
QUESTION: I have a question about safe anal play. I need/want to know if you can hurt or damage yourself in any way by putting something “too far” up the anus. I just purchased some new anal toys. One that I purchased seems to be a little long which worries me, as I want to make sure I do not damage anything internally when I am using the toy. Thanks for all your help.\nANSWER: Thanks for your question. Just like the vagina or a person’s mouth, there is only so much “length” that a person can comfortably or safely take into one’s rectum. However, that probably varies somewhat between people based on their own body size, comfort, ability to relax the muscles around the anal opening and rectum, and other issues such as the degree to which penetration is gentle or rough, or the degree to which a person is using a personal lubricant to ease anal penetration. \nSex toys are typically sold as “novelty” products and therefore do not go through a formal review process to ensure the safety of their use. In addition, sex toy manufacturers often do not provide instructions on how to use sex toys and other enhancement products such as vibrators, dildos or anal toys (also called “butt toys”, and these may include butt plugs, anal probes, vibrating anal toys, or anal beads).\nGiven this lack of information, many women and men who choose to use sex toys are left to learn about the use of sexual toys through their own exploration, as well as through various web sites and books. In terms of your own exploration, it may be helpful to keep in mind that sex should not hurt – unless, of course, you (either alone, or with a partner) purposely involve pain as part of your sex play, as sometimes but not always occurs with bondage, domination or power play. \nGenerally speaking, however, if sex hurts it may be a sign that something is wrong and that perhaps you should stop or try something else. You may be able to reduce discomfort or pain through the use of a store-bought lubrication (if your sex play involves penetration of the vagina or anus), through relaxation (this can help relax the muscles around your anal opening), or through more gentle or slow touching or penetration. If you are worried or concerned about any discomfort, pain or bleeding, or if you have ongoing pain or bleeding or cuts, you should check in with your healthcare provider. \nBefore engaging in any sexual activity that you have questions or concerns about, consider educating yourself – as we often don’t learn about sex (let alone sex toys) as we are growing up or even as we enter adulthood. Web sites associated with the sex toy companies Good Vibrations (goodvibes.com) and MyPleasure (mypleasure.com) tend to provide information about sexual behaviors, sex toy hygiene, tips and techniques and safety issues. \nBooks that provide a fair amount of information related to safe and pleasurable ways of using sex toys include The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, The Guide to Getting It On, and Sex Toys 101: A Playfully Uninhibited Guide. That said, you may find another book to be of particular use or interest as it contains a large amount of information that is specific to anal play, whether with a partner or with toys. That book is Anal Health & Pleasure: A Guide for Men and Women. These books are available through large online retailers such as Amazon and Barnes and Noble, or may be ordered through many local bookstores. You can also ask your healthcare provider for information specific to your own body and sexual health, so that you can have the most comfortable, pleasurable – and safe – sexual experiences possible.
(10/17/07 3:16am)
Question: My girlfriend has missed her period by about five weeks. Now, we have never had actual sex, just a form of dry sex. However, I am starting to get worried that she may be pregnant. We are both in separate colleges, and I am just so worried now. I mean, we haven’t had sex, but is there a possibility she is pregnant from me? If so, what should we do next? Any help would be absolutely amazing.\nAnswer: It really depends on what you mean by having had “a form of dry sex.” Ejaculating inside a woman’s vagina is not the only way to get her pregnant – though it’s certainly the most common way that a pregnancy happens. Though the risk of pregnancy would be lower, it is possible to get a woman pregnant if ejaculate gets on or near her vaginal entrance as your sperm can travel through her vaginal lubrication and make their way up inside the vagina, through the cervix and uterus and into the fallopian tubes where an egg may or may not be available to be fertilized by sperm. \nSo if your form of dry sex entailed briefly rubbing your genitals against each other without any pre-ejaculate or ejaculate coming out of your urethral opening (the hole at the tip of your penis where you pee and ejaculate from), then you could not have gotten her pregnant. It takes sperm (and an egg) for pregnancy to occur. But if your idea of dry sex included ejaculating anywhere near her vaginal opening, then there is a small chance of pregnancy. At-home pregnancy tests are highly accurate when used correctly and you or she can purchase these at many drug stores, grocery stores and large retail chains such as Target or Walmart. In addition, family planning clinics such as Planned Parenthood (plannedparenthood.org to find a clinic near her or you) and local heath department clinics often conduct pregnancy testing as well.\nThat said, women may be late getting their menstrual periods for a variety of reasons including stress, weight loss, or using forms of birth control that might cause her not to have a period every month (this happens with some brands of birth control pills and can also happen with the birth control shot, Depo Provera). Your girlfriend should consider checking in with her healthcare provider to make sure that she is well.\nOpposite sex couples who do not wish to become pregnant should either abstain from vaginal intercourse (or forms of dry sex that are pretty close to vaginal intercourse) or, if they choose to have vaginal intercourse or something similar, then they should take steps to prevent pregnancy. These steps might include correct and consistent condom use, natural family planning methods (which, to be most effective, should be taught to you by a trained health educator, nurse or other healthcare provider), hormonal birth control such as the pill, patch, shot or vaginal ring (all of which are extremely effective at preventing pregnancy when used correctly), or other forms of contraception that you might discuss with your or her healthcare provider. \nYou and your girlfriend might review the wide range of birth control options (see plannedparenthood.org) and talk with your healthcare providers to see what is right for you. You can also choose to be sexual with each other in ways that do not put you both at risk for a pregnancy or for sexually transmissible infections (STI).
(10/10/07 11:04pm)
Question: I am a 24 year old male who has been having some problems with sexual performance lately. While having sex I ejaculate more quickly than before and somehow I just can’t control it. And to make matters worse, when having sex for the second time (after about 30 to 40 minutes from the first ejaculation period), my penis loses its firmness while having sex, and this has never happened to me before but keeps on happening to me these days. After that, I can’t get it up even if I tried. If you have any recommendations for me I would be very grateful. Thank you. \nAnswer: Many men (and women) think that men have – or at least should have – control over their penis. But as writer David Friedman explores in A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis, the relationship between men and their penis is far more complex and many men throughout history have been embattled in a sometimes frustrating, sometimes humorous internal dialogue of “do I control my penis or does my penis control me?”\nOf course, neither is true. However, many men wish that they had more control over the timing of their ejaculation or their ability to get or maintain erections at will. As teenagers, erections are almost too easy to come by – in fact, many young men report having erections when they don’t really want to be having erections (like in math class). However, when men become sexually active, they might notice that they cannot have erections when they want to. Often it is because of performance anxiety – wanting or expecting to perform a certain way with a partner. This stress can make it even more difficult to get or maintain an erection; it can also take a man’s focus away from his own body and the way it feels, and can contribute to ejaculating sooner than one wants to ejaculate (what some call “premature ejaculation”). \nMost men have had experiences with premature ejaculation or problems with erections. Reassuring yourself that this is a common experience can help, as can trying to relax prior to and during sex and taking deep breaths. Even though this is common to many men, we still want to encourage you to check in with your healthcare provider as sometimes erection or ejaculation problems are related to side effects from medications, some health conditions (such as diabetes) or to changes in mood or stress (such as feeling somewhat depressed or anxious). Other times, typical levels of stress that come and go in response to relationship problems or a heavy work load at school or at a job can contribute to sexual problems. \nIt is also common to have difficulty with erections during the second or third sexual attempt in a short period of time due to a man’s “refractory period” (the time after one ejaculation when it becomes difficult or impossible to maintain another erection or to ejaculate). All men have a refractory period and while many young men (especially in their teens or early twenties) can have several erections in a row, not all young men can – and as men age (yes, even in their mid-twenties and thirties), having sex twice in a row in a short perod of time becomes more difficult to do. You cannot lengthen your refractory period. Just know that it is within the normal range of experience for men your age to notice this.\nYou can learn more information about the stop-start and squeeze techniques that many men use to improve their ejaculatory control by going to the Kinsey Confidential web site. You can learn more about male sexual issues and more detailed information for dealing with them by reading The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld.
(10/04/07 4:25am)
Question: My girlfriend and I have been trying to have sex for the past few months. Each time we try the experience is painful for her. We stop trying because the pain is uncomfortable for her. Because she has never had sex before, we expected this the first few times, but it has not gotten any better. We always use a condom and lubricant. We have also tried several different positions and this does not help either. We do not understand what is wrong and do not know what to do. Is there anything that we can do to make the experience better for her?\nAnswer: Given the lack of sexuality information available to adolescents and young adults, it is not surprising that so many young women and men expect sex to be painful when they first start having it. We are often told, “sex will hurt” but we are rarely told how much or how little it will hurt, for how long it will hurt, or how to make it not hurt so much. Vaginal intercourse – during the first few times a woman has it - is more often uncomfortable than actually painful and the discomfort can frequently be minimized by a few key strategies.\nThe first is waiting to have intercourse until both partners are not just ready but actually very excited and enthusiastic about intercourse. That means not only waiting until you both feel good enough about your relationship to have sex, but it can even mean waiting on a particular day or at a particular time. Some sex therapists advise that it can make intercourse more comfortable and more pleasurable if a couple waits to have sex until each partner absolutely cannot wait any longer for penetration.\nSpending time in foreplay can also make sense more comfortable, especially for women, because during the process of sexual arousal muscular contractions pull the uterus upwards, making the vagina longer and wider which can make more room for a partner’s penis, fingers or a sex toy (depending on what you’re doing).\nSometimes women and their partners find that using a store-bought lubricant makes intercourse significantly more comfortable and fun. Other times, there are relationship issues or medical issues that are best addressed with a sex therapist (aasect.org) or healthcare provider, respectively. For example, sometimes women or men hold very shameful or negative feelings about sex and these emotions can get in the way of feeling good about sex or being able to relax enough to have comfortable, pleasurable sex. Other times, medical conditions such as pain disorders or muscular disorders can make sex painful, as can the relatively uncommon situation of having a hymen (thin layer of tissue) that covers a good deal of the vagina. You can learn more about some vulvovaginal pain conditions through the web site of The National Vulvodynia Association (www.nva.org) and by reading The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health.
(09/27/07 7:19pm)
QUESTION: I need your help. I am a 23 year old male and I am scared to have sex. About 7 months ago, I had my first sexual experience with a woman who did things to me that were a little too kinky and made me feel uncomfortable. Recently I was about to have sex with a woman, but I was too nervous. In the morning I didn’t feel so nervous, and we messed around a little, but no intercourse. Another time we made out but I felt afraid and backed off. I don’t know if I’m scared because I am uncomfortable with her, or because I have been a virgin so long. Maybe the first experience earlier this year scared me for good. Also, I got off of a major crush and maybe I need time to find someone I am comfortable with. This really bugs me. Sex should be enjoyed by everyone. I get scared to even think about it now. Why should I feel this way? Will I be like this forever? \nANSWER: Thank you for your email. Not all college students (or older adults) have had sex yet. Even among those who have had sex, not all of them found it enjoyable or wanted to be sexual either at all or with that particular partner. It is completely common and normal, at any age, to want sex or to not want sex, or to only want to be sexual with certain people or in certain contexts. Good for you for exploring how you can be sexual in ways that will feel pleasurable to you and your partner.\nRegardless of age or experience, many women and men anticipate or worry about beginning to become sexual with other people. Mainstream media such as movies, television shows, and some articles in men’s and women’s magazines give false impressions and create sex “myths”, often reinforced by friends or family. \nThese include myths that sex with another person happens naturally; sexual chemistry is so strong and perfect that couples can wordlessly communicate their needs to each other; all women are orgasmic during sexual intercourse with a man; men primarily want sex whereas women primarily want love; and men should always be ready for sex, initiate sex, able to have sex (e.g., get an erection) and want to have sex, even with someone they do not care about or with whom they are uncomfortable.\nBelieving these myths results in many unsatisfying and uncomfortable sexual situations. They may feel disappointed or wonder if their partner is right for them when their partner does something they don’t like, or when something they do does not result in pleasure or orgasm for their partner. Women wonder if they are “broken” or abnormal if they don’t orgasm; men worry if they are adequate lovers. In fact, many men struggle with the idea that they should always be ready for sex, even with a partner they don’t like or love. However, some college aged men describe situations in which they cannot get an erection or have pleasurable sex with a woman unless she is their girlfriend, or unless they very much like or love her. \nI am sorry to hear that you had a sexual experience that did not feel comfortable or enjoyable to you and that you feel this may be affecting your current sexual relationships. As you suggested, it may be the case that you, like many other men and women of all ages, are more comfortable taking sex slowly and with partners who you like, love, or with whom you feel very comfortable.\nLearning and practicing good communication about sexual matters may help you to talk with partners about what you do and do not want to occur, or what you want to stop (as with your first partner).\nOne way to practice sexual communication is to begin talking about sexual matters in other contexts, such as discussing sexuality-related current events or popular topics with friends (e.g., your and their beliefs about same sex marriage, the new HPV vaccine, sex education in schools). \nYou can extend this by communicating early on with partners about other forms of sexual expression (e.g., kissing, making out) and asking them if what you are doing feels good, how they would like to be kissed or touched, sharing what you like and describing your preferred sexual pace. It is entirely acceptable and common to say “I’d like to take things slowly” or “I prefer to wait for sex until I’ve been seeing someone for a while, and we both decide we’re ready”. \nPopular books like The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex may be helpful in providing information about sexual behaviors and sexual communication, as might The Guide to Getting It On. If you feel that your anxiety or concerns about sex continue to get in the way, or you would like some additional support in overcoming them, consider meeting with a sex therapist (locate one near you at www.aasect.org) or speak with a counselor on or off campus.
(09/27/07 7:17pm)
QUESTION: I get a lot of emails for penis enlargement pills. Do they really work? If they do, are there any negative side effects (deformed penis, pain, etc)? Are results lasting or do they go away after a prolonged period of not taking the pills? And any other information related to the topic?\nANSWER: To our knowledge, there are no studies that have been reported in scientific, peer-reviewed journals that suggest that taking such pills might enlarge a man’s penis, either in length or \ncircumference.\nWhen drug manufacturers seek approval for their medications from the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA), they have to be able to prove that their product is safe for individuals to take, that it is effective (that is, it does what it is said to do), and they also must document and publish any potential side effects.\nWe know of no penis enlargement pills that have FDA approval or clearance. As such, there is no way to know whether these pills work (which seems unlikely, or one might guess that a major pharmaceutical company would be manufacturing them by now and turning a huge profit). There is also no way to know whether these pills are safe for individuals to take or whether they are associated with negative side effects. As you may know, some supplements (even herbal types) have been associated with serious – even potentially fatal – negative side effects.\nFurther, major US medical organizations do not recognize any surgical techniques as being safe and effective for what is called “penile augmentation” (a more clinical term for penis enlargement). Even though you may come across advertisements for penis enlargement surgery, such surgery has been associated with scar tissue which can cause painful erections or even a shortening of the erect penis.\nConsidering, then, that there do not appear to be any safe and effective methods of penile enlargement, how come they continue to be so widely marketed? Many companies prey on men’s and women’s concerns about their bodies – (and even concerns about masculinity/feminity) – hence the huge market for diet pills, cosmetic surgery, breast enlargement pills, and yes, penis enlargement pills. And yet when it comes to penis size, most men are entirely within the normal range.\nThe average length of a man’s erect penis is typically about 5 to 6 inches, according to most scientific studies. However, penis size varies widely – some studies show erect length ranging from about 1 or 2 inches to 14 or 16 inches. And there is no “right” length or circumference; each has their advantages or disadvantages. For example, even though men sometimes wish for a larger penis, they may not be aware that men of larger penis sizes sometimes report difficulty finding a sex partner for comfortable oral, vaginal or anal sex, as it may be too painful for their partner. Female partners, for example, can only take so much into their vagina (in an unaroused state, the vagina is about 3-4 inches long; in an aroused state, it expands to about 6 inches long).\nSadly, some companies that sell penis enlargement pills provide inaccurate information on their web sites or other marketing materials suggesting that the average erect penis length is 7 inches. This false information may make men feel shorter than average. Several years ago, we even learned of a company that claimed on their web site that The Kinsey Institute had conducted research proving that their enlargement pills worked, even though we had never conducted such a study.\nFurther, sexual satisfaction has less to do with genital size and more to do with relationship satisfaction and partners communicating their sexual desires to one another. For an entertaining yet historical perspective on men and how various cultures (including our own) have dealt with penis size, men’s sexuality and more, check out A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis. To learn more about sexual techniques and communication, you might find The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex to be of interest.
(09/27/07 7:09pm)
QUESTION: My question is about oral sex. One thing which is bothering me and my girlfriend is that both men’s and women’s genitals have to be cleaned first, so what are the ways and means available to clean them? And is semen harmful? Are a woman’s fluids harmful? Thanks.\nANSWER: Great question! Many women and men are interested in oral sex, and although it is a sexual activity that many couples enjoy, not everyone does and it is certainly not something that a couple “has” to do in order to have a satisfying sexual life. Couples often have different questions about sexual play, and the cleanliness of the genitals is one issue that is commonly asked about. After all, in addition to serving sensual and reproductive functions, the genitals and anal opening serve an excretory function – that is, they are responsible for getting rid of bodily waste. And since people often associate urine and feces with being “dirty”, then what does that say about the genitals?\nFortunately, very little. A man’s penis and scrotum are covered in skin that is similar to the skin found on other parts of the body and it is therefore relatively easy to keep clean. It is slightly different for men whose penis has not been circumcised, as they pull back the foreskin to wash, but that’s a simple enough process that they have likely been doing since childhood. If an uncircumcised man does not regularly retract his foreskin for washing, then a substance called smegma may build up beneath the foreskin and cause what some consider to be an unpleasant smell. Other than basic cleansing with a mild soap or body wash (as one would do with other non-genital body parts), nothing else is needed to keep men’s genitals clean.\nThe urethra is the tube that carries urine out of man’s body through his penis. The urethra also carries ejaculate out of the body. Fortunately, it only does one job at a time – that is to say that when a man is erect, his bladder valve closes the passageway from the bladder to the urethra so that when he ejaculates, only ejaculate will be emitted from his penis (e.g., he will not urinate when he means to ejaculate).\nWomen’s genitals are slightly different. For starters, there is a wider variety of skin and mucosal tissue that makes it more sensitive than the penis and scrotum. A woman’s vulva (the outside parts of the genitals) can be easily irritated by soaps, laundry detergents and feminine hygiene products such as feminine deodorizers and douches. Many vulvovaginal health experts generally recommend that water and one’s hand are all that are needed to wash a woman’s genitals. If a woman insists on using a cleansing product, some dermatologists recommend very mild cleansers such as Cetaphil rather than harsh soaps or feminine hygiene products.\nUnlike men’s genitals, women’s genitals have more than one opening. The urethral opening on a woman is located underneath the clitoris and its only “job” is to carry urine out of the body. That said, there is some evidence that women may sometimes emit fluid from the urethra during sexual excitement or orgasm (some but not all sex researchers refer to this as “female ejaculation”, even though the substance is not akin to male ejaculation).\nThe vagina has several functions: it allows menstrual blood and tissue to flow out of the body and it also serves as the birth canal and as the site of penile-vaginal intercourse and some other sexual activities (e.g., fingering, penetration with some sex toys, some oral sex play). The vagina is considered by some to be “self-cleaning” thanks to vaginal discharge which comes from the vaginal walls as well as from the cervix (the opening to the uterus).\nNeither a man’s semen (ejaculate) nor a woman’s vaginal fluids are dangerous in and of themselves. It is generally safe to ingest ejaculate or vaginal fluids provided that they do not carry infections such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, or HIV. If you are not sure whether your partner has an infection, it is best to either avoid the risk of infection entirely (e.g., abstain from oral sex, vaginal sex or anal sex, or other activities that might pose an infection risk) or to take safer sex measures. \nIn the case of oral sex, a man can wear a condom while receiving oral sex and dental dams or condoms cut in half (length-wise) can be used as barriers in between a woman’s genitals and her partner’s mouth. Because not everyone enjoys the taste of latex, some condom companies sell flavored condoms or lubricants to apply to standard condoms (see www.condomania.com or local adult stores). For additional information about sexually transmissible infections and safer sex practices, visit www.plannedparenthood.org or www.cdc.gov. For further information about sexual sharing, check out “The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex” (Cleis Press, $25.95).
(09/27/07 7:07pm)
QUESTION: Every time I masturbate, which is once a week, I think I pee. I have a large amount of fluid come out of me that smells like pee. Now I know that this is not normal and I would like to know what I should do about it. I do not feel very comfortable talking to anyone about my problem, so if there is a solution that doesn’t involve talking to someone about it I would greatly appreciate it. Please help!\nANSWER: Although you may feel that your experience of emitting a good deal of fluid (that, to you, smells like pee) during self-masturbation may feel “not normal”, it is actually completely within the normal range of women’s sexual experiences. It’s true that people may not talk very openly about this phenomenon, but then again our culture is oddly silent about a lot of things related to sexuality. And unfortunately, being silent about sex often makes people feel alone, unusual or otherwise “not normal”.\nSome sex researchers and educators refer to these fluids as “female ejaculation”; others prefer not to use this term, since the fluids that are emitted from a woman’s urethra during sexual excitement are not chemically the same as male ejaculate (semen). In fact, it is not entirely clear what these fluids are – chemical analyses have produced variable results. That said, they do not appear to be chemically the same as urine. In other words, it is extremely unlikely that you are peeing during sex.\nNow, that’s not to say that these fluids don’t share some of the same chemical properties as urine (perhaps hence a similar odor, although many things – including genital sweat – can share a somewhat similar odor). After all, the fluids are likely coming from your urethra, which is the same tube that carries urine out of the body. Consequently, there may be some overlap. That is true for men, though, too: the urethra carries both urine and ejaculate out of the body and, as ejaculate is emitted from the penis, it may pick up some urine “residue” on its way out. But men (like women) typically do not “pee” during sex (though for men, this is controlled by what’s called the bladder valve, which prevents the bladder from letting urine into the urethra).\nIf you still feel that you are peeing during sex, and this worries you, consider masturbating on a white towel next time and check the color of the fluids that come out. In all likelihood, it will be more clear or white (like sexual fluids) rather than yellow (like urine). Alternatively, you can keep tissues near you and wipe your vulva shortly after you notice the fluids and again check the color.\nAlthough the varying degrees of wetness that women experience during sex (whether we call it “female ejaculation” as some do, or “squirting” as others do) are not openly discussed everywhere, there is an episode of Sex and the City (in Season 4) that mentioned this phenomenon, so it’s not completely absent from popular culture. It’s also a common occurrence in porn. You can read more detailed information in The G Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality (Owl Books, $15.00) and The Good Vibrations Guide: The G Spot (Down There Press, $8.50). Although stimulation of the area sometimes called the g spot (an area on the front wall of the vagina, about 1-2 inches inside) is often associated with some degree of noticeable wetness, it is not always the case.\nOne thing that may interest you about reading these books is how women and their partners respond to the wetness – some are not thrilled with it, but learn to deal with their body’s sexual response. Other women and their partners are enormously excited and aroused by the wetness. In fact, just as we get questions from women like you who may feel a little surprised or unsettled by their body’s response, we get just as many questions from women who have heard about this phenomenon or seen it in sexually explicit DVDs and want to know how they can learn to do it. In other words, what comes naturally to you is something that some women desperately wish they could learn to do. That’s not to say that you should learn to love it or have different feelings about it; that’s just to provide another perspective.\nIf you are still convinced that you are peeing during sex, please consider checking in with your healthcare provider for information and a check-up. Gynecological healthcare is important for all sexually active or adult women. I hope this is helpful.
(09/27/07 7:00pm)
QUESTION: I’m a 22 year old guy. Sometimes after masturbation I feel pain in the lower cords of my spinal cord. It’s not always but only sometimes. It’s usually quite bearable but on rare occasions the pain is quite intense. Sometimes I even experience this pain after passing stools. I feel so much pain around the same place on the spinal cord and it is unbearable. It stays for one two minutes and then vanishes. I don’t know why it hurts during these times and why.\nANSWER: Most men and women generally feel pleasure associated with masturbation and orgasm, but sometimes people of either sex report feeling discomfort, pain or headaches. Sometimes these unpleasurable feelings do not indicate anything abnormal (e.g., such as a medical condition); other times they might. \nEven if discomfort or pain is not an indication of an underlying medical problem, on occasion healthcare providers may be able to pinpoint the cause of the discomfort and pain and recommend a treatment so that you don’t have to feel pain anymore. As such, it is always a good idea to check in with a healthcare provider whenever you are feeling bodily discomfort or pain. Some people feel embarrassed or ashamed to discuss their sexual behavior or sexual feelings with a healthcare provider, but healthcare providers more commonly deal with sexual issues than many patients realize.\nIn your case, it may be interesting to understand a little bit more about your experiences of pain with masturbation and defecation (passing stools). On the surface, these may seem like dramatically different and completely unconnected bodily functions. After all, masturbation and orgasm are sexual and possibly reproductive functions. Defecation is an excretory function. They don’t even necessarily involve the same body parts – after all, for most men masturbation typically refers to self-stimulation of one’s penis (though many men include stimulation of their anal opening in their masturbation routine, either with fingers or a sex toy such as anal beads or a butt plug). Defecation, of course, involves the rectum and anal opening.\nDespite these apparent differences, there is actually significant overlap between these two processes and consequently sensation experienced during masturbation may be similar to sensation experienced during defecation. For example, ejaculatory fluids come from several sources, including the prostate gland, stimulation of which likely contributes to pleasurable sensations during orgasm. The prostate gland may also be indirectly stimulated during the act of defecation. Therefore, if you feel pleasure from prostate stimulation during penile (or anal) masturbation, you may also experience pleasure from prostate stimulation during defecation. There have certainly been reports about men experiencing pleasure (and even orgasmic sensations) from \n defecation. \nSimilarly, if you experience pain from masturbation it may be that you occasionally experience pain from defecation. Pain can be local (e.g, in the genital or anal area) or elsewhere (such as the spinal cord). Whether this is a result of something related to the nerves that supply the prostate gland or another part of your body (e.g., nerves that supply the rectum or penis) – or something else entirely – is up to a healthcare provider to explore. \nWe clearly do not know, and cannot suggest, what may be causing your pain. However, it is worth describing these instances of pain to your healthcare provider as a diagnosis, and treatment, may be possible. For more information about nerve supply, sensation, orgasm and their relationship with other processes (including defecation), consider reading The Science of Orgasm (The Johns Hopkins University Press, 2006).
(09/27/07 6:57pm)
QUESTION: I have a friend who is having some issues with her ex-boyfriend, and made a comment to me about how she was wondering if perhaps she was homosexual because she had never really been attracted to very many of her past boyfriends, but realized that she wasn’t attracted to girls, either. I’m familiar with the general concept of asexuality, but I wasn’t able to find much information online. How does a person know whether or not they’re asexual, and can an asexual person have romantic relationships with other people?\nANSWER: These are great questions for anyone – including scientists who study sexuality. The truth is that researchers are only beginning to understand the complexities of sexual orientation, and we know strikingly little about asexuality.\n In biology, the term “asexuality” typically refers to organisms that reproduce without having sex (e.g., note the popular “I wish my homework was asexual so it would do itself” Facebook group). When it comes to human sexuality, however, researchers tend to use the term “asexual” to describe individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. \nThese individuals may either experience no sexual attraction, or else very low levels of sexual attraction when compared to most other people. There may be hormonal explanations for this lack of sexual attraction, but it is likely more complex and there may be several causes of asexuality. Similarly, we do not fully understand why some heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual individuals have higher or lower sex drives than their friends or partners.\n It is important to point out that asexuality typically describes a lack of sexual attraction and that this is stable and usually lifelong – in other words, someone who identifies as “asexual” typically reports that they have never (or very rarely) experienced sexual attraction. This is different than people who, for example, used to feel sexually attracted to other people but now no longer do – perhaps because of a medical condition, sexual or hormonal side effects from medications, or a problematic relationship.\n While most people will experience periods of low sexual interest, desire or attraction at some point in their lives, few people (probably less than 5% of the population) would say that they have never experienced sexual attraction. However, given the lack of rigorous research in this area it is impossible to say with any certainty how common the experience of asexuality may be.\n Because researchers tend to describe asexuality as not experiencing sexual attraction, there is no “test” to know whether or not you are asexual; you simply feel this way or you do not. As for relationships, research suggests that asexual individuals can and do form intimate, romantic relationships. Sometimes these relationships even involve sex. If that surprises you, consider the fact that many people who consider themselves to be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual occasionally agree to have sex with their partner when they do not want to. People willingly have sex for many reasons other than feeling sexual attraction – for example, to be nice to their partner, to “reward” their partner for an act of kindness or romance, to stop their partner from nagging, to relieve stress or in order to procreate (have children). \n It is therefore not that surprising that some asexual people may have sex, even if they do not feel – or only rarely feel – sexually attracted to their partner. That said, asexual individuals may be less likely to form romantic relationships than others. What some asexual individuals stress, however, is that their lack of sexual attraction is not necessarily distressing or problematic for them, and that they can live full, satisfying and happy lives. Further, they have often learned to create intimate bonds with people in ways that do not require sexual sharing – which is probably a skill that most people could benefit from developing.\nAs for whether your friend is homosexual or asexual or heterosexual or whatever else, it is impossible for us to say. However, it is completely normal for young people to question issues related to their sexuality and she doesn’t have to label her sexual identity now or ever unless she wants to. Some people begin feeling sexual attraction later in life compared to their peers. Others never feel sexual attraction to others, or less often do. It doesn’t have to be a “problem” but if it feels like a problem either now or in the future (possibly in the context of a romantic relationship), she might find it useful to speak with a sex therapist (www.aasect.org) for information or support. She can also connect online with others through the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN; www.asexuality.org), which also offers information to the general public.
(09/27/07 6:52pm)
QUESTION: After reading a recent Kinsey Confidential column about men having erection problems when using condoms during sex, I notice that I have a similar problem, but it’s not all the time. I’ve noticed that when I use a condom during sex with a female that more fits my preference of her physical appearance, my erections are fine. However, I have problems maintaining my erection when I am using a condom with a female that has an “okay” appearance (good enough for sex). I love to have sex with just about any woman and of various body types, but I do prefer some women more than others. And I don’t like how a condom feels during sex. To me, sex feels better without a condom. I can fully perform sex with any girl unprotected, however I don’t want to have unprotected sex with different partners. Should I try using different condoms to see if that helps?\nANSWER: First, it is fantastic that you want to use condoms with your various partners – not only for the sake of your health, but for the sake of your partners’ health too. Part of being a sexually responsible adult is looking out for yourself and others, and correct and consistent condom use is important to many men and women. Although condom use cannot protect against all sexually transmissible infections, it can greatly reduce the risk of transmitting chlamydia, gonorrhea and HIV (for more information on how – exactly – to use condoms, check out www.plannedparenthood.org). \nSecond, let’s address this issue of a woman’s appearance being “good enough for sex” because it’s sure to ignite a range of responses from readers – responses that likely include agreement, laughter, hurt and anger. \nThe reality, of course, is that bodies of all shapes, sizes, ages, skin tones, abilities and disabilities, heights, thicknesses, and degrees of hairiness are “good enough for sex” and attractive to somebody. I think you probably meant something more along the lines of the fact that there are simply women who you find more attractive than others, and that – like most people - you need to feel a certain level of sexual excitement in order to become sexually aroused and to be sexual with that person. \nIt’s an important point because attractiveness can be a sensitive issue (nearly everyone wonders if they are “attractive enough” to other people) and everyone’s idea of attractiveness varies. A woman or man that one person finds attractive may be seen as unattractive by another person because he or she seems too skinny, fat, tall or short or because there is something they don’t like about that person’s hair, teeth, breath, smell, voice or mannerisms. \nSexual attractiveness is relevant to sexual functioning because there are both physical and psychological components to sexual arousal. A man can get an erection, for example, through physical stimulation and perhaps a bit of psychological arousal or excitement (in your case, perhaps she or you touches your penis, and you feel her attractiveness is “good enough” for you). But in order to maintain your erection, you may need more than just a bit of psychological arousal – you may need to feel very attracted to your partner. This may be more important for you in casual encounters because if you don’t know a woman very well, it’s hard to be emotionally excited by her, whereas men and women in relationships often find that their relationship and feelings of love or liking for their partner can add an extra layer of psychological excitement or attraction.\nYou may find that it is easier to maintain your erection if you find a more regular partner that excites you both physically and emotionally. If you prefer casual partners for now, you may find that focusing on psychologically exciting things such as an arousing part of your partner’s body, or even a sexual fantasy that you often have and enjoy thinking about (people’s fantasies and mental images during sex vary considerably – some folks think about their partner, others think about celebrities or porn stars, others even think about past partners). Though you didn’t mention alcohol, it can have a damaging effect on erections (as can cigarette smoking over time).\nTrying different condoms may indeed be useful – Inspiral condoms, for example, offer extra room at the head of the penis which may allow for more sensation. Condoms made of thinner latex which may provide more sensation, and some men prefer condoms made of polyurethane as they facilitate warmer sensations during sex. For a wide range of condom choices, check out www.condomania.com, www.drugstore.com, or your local drug store or super store for options.
(09/27/07 6:49pm)
QUESTION: I am having trouble dealing with the amount of time my current partner spends with her ex, who wants her back though she says that she is not interested in being with him again. Repeatedly in the past he has thwarted her attempts to date other people through physical aggression toward the guy, or by making her feel sorry for him. After their break up, she continued to sleep with him until she started to date me. Even now, she often calls him for rides or has meals with him (even canceling plans with me to do so). He is constantly telling her how lonely he is and how much he misses her. I trust her, but I feel that I deserve to be in a relationship where I do not have to have a previous lover constantly trying to get back together with the person I am dating. I have expressed my anxiety over the situation to her. I told her that it is obvious that he is not over her, because of the things that he says, and the fact that he cannot stand to see me with her; but she claims that he is over her. I really don’t know what to do. I like this person, but don’t know how much I can handle.\nANSWER: Though it may seem obvious, it’s worth mentioning that most women and men have ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends because it’s worth remembering that nearly everyone has to deal with the issue of how to make a current relationship work in the midst of former relationships. This is particularly true in recent generations when it is common for men and women to be friends with each other (men and women in your parents generation were rarely “just friends” – there were more clear gender divisions not only in romantic relation ships, but in friendships too). \nAs such, there’s not much history to go by when it comes to figuring out how to manage former partners that now may – or may not be – “just friends” with your current partner. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a solution that will work for you two.\nFirst, you might find it helpful to seek the support or guidance of an on-campus or community-based counselor. As you work to negotiate your – and their – relationship, it is worth paying attention to your feelings about her, about the relationship and about what you feel that you deserve. Even if you like your girlfriend as a person, you may not like this relationship – and that may be an important matter when you decide whether to stay together or to part ways.\nIt seems that one issue that you and your girlfriend disagree about pertains to her ex’s feelings for her. You feel like he wants her back; she disagrees, claiming that he is over her. Although his past behavior (trying to prevent her from dating other guys) may bolster your opinion that he wants to ruin your relationship her too, people can change. He may have changed. However, neither you nor your girlfriend is likely to understand her ex’s feelings unless he expresses them. In that sense, it may be less productive to speculate about her ex’s feelings and more productive to communicate with your girlfriend about your – and her – feelings. \nIf you can talk more about each others’ needs, you may be able to find some clarity in an otherwise confusing situation. You should continue to (respectfully) express your feelings if this – or anything else – bothers you, but you also need to respect her needs. Rather than ask her to end a friendship with someone who may be important to her, it might be worth asking what she needs from you, and what she needs from other people (friends, family, her ex). It may be that she wants or needs her ex in her life to some degree. That may be fine, as long as it can be done in a way that allows you to feel comfortable too.\nYou have already expressed your anxiety to her about the amount of time she spends with her ex, given how he may feel about her. Consider taking it a step back and expressing how you feel about her hanging out with her ex, even if he no longer wants to date her. There may be a balance that you can strike here – after all, though some people cut all ties with their exes, many people maintain close friendships with former partners. Perhaps the three of you could share an occasional meal together (but still giving her the opportunity to see him without you there) or they could hang out less often than they currently do, or she could call you or another friend for a ride before calling him. Brainstorm together and try tackling this as a couple (rather than you or she dictating the terms). Good luck.
(09/27/07 6:47pm)
QUESTION: My girlfriend and I have sex generally between two and three times a day. Can this be harmful to our relationship and emotional attachment to each other? If so, are there ways to increase that such as bonding after sex, cuddling, etc.? \nANSWER: There is nothing wrong with having sex a certain amount of times per day, per month or ever in your life. Some couples hardly ever have sex and others are frequently finding reasons to hop back into bed. Usually a couple’s frequency of sex changes with time and with life circumstances – you may find that you have more or less sex during times of stress (like exam week), when you’re tired or sick, or during vacations. \nRather than focusing on how often you have sex, it might be worth paying more attention to the quality of your sexual encounters – which is what it sounds like you are really asking about.\nAlthough magazines tend to portray quality sex as being more about orgasms, excitement, erections and lubrication, most people tend to recognize that high quality sex usually encompasses a broader range of characteristics. Sure, orgasms are usually quite enjoyable and exciting, and trying out new positions can be fun (and funny). But most men and women want some type of intimacy, connection or bond with their sexual partner(s).\nSometimes this bond is short-lived and is built largely on physical attraction and chemistry. However, in committed relationships and/or longer term relationships, couples often are interested in building emotional closeness and intimacy, and may see sex as one of several ways to feel closer to each other.\nPost-sex cuddling can indeed help some couples feel more emotionally attached. Other couples may be less focused on physically cuddling after sex, but perhaps they like to lay in bed for a while and talk. Others feel closer to each other when they have sex with the lights on or with their eyes open the entire time, occasionally or quite often looking at each other, to take in the full experience. \nSometimes it’s not the physical acts of sex that bring a couple closer, but talking about sexual preferences and fantasies and what you like or don’t like can bring you closer to each other, because it involves sharing what are often very private, personal pieces of information that may make you feel vulnerable to each other. \nIt may even be that taking your time with foreplay – taking time to kiss, share your feelings with each other, rub each others’ backs after stressful days (which also shows that you are paying attention to your partner’s non-sexual needs) – can strengthen your bonds. And certainly spending time with each other out of bed (grocery shopping, going on long walks, eating meals alone sometimes and other times with friends) can help you feel closer. Since you are specifically interested in sexual sharing and intimacy, you might find the book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy (Signet, $7.99) to be of interest. \nIt is also worth mentioning that intimacy and emotional bonding depend not only on building closeness, but also on guarding or protecting that closeness. If either of you is dishonest, overly critical, or otherwise unkind then it might become very difficult to feel comfortable with – or make yourselves emotionally vulnerable to – each other. By being honest, compassionate, kind and respectful to each other (at least most of the time; we all make mistakes) you can protect the relationship that you’re working to build.
(09/27/07 6:44pm)
QUESTION: I have been dating someone for several months. We were getting along very well and were having what I thought (and he said was) satisfying, fulfilling sex a few times a week. After a few months, he started having difficulty reaching/maintaining an erection. Sometimes we would have to stop part way through intercourse because he had lost his erection. Other times, he didn’t get an erection to begin with. My instant assumption was that he had lost sexual interest in me and that he saw me as more of a friend than a romantic partner (and that he was simply afraid or too shy to tell me this). He told me (repeatedly) that it was not because of me but that it was because he was feeling very stressed because of his job. I’m not convinced. He’s an otherwise healthy guy in his twenties. But I do wonder, is it possible that he can’t function sexually due to a high level of stress at work? What’s going on?\nANSWER: Yes, it is entirely possible for a man’s erections to be affected by stress, whether that stress is from work, school, family, friends or a romantic relationship. A common myth is that men’s sexuality is simple and that men – particularly young men – should be able to get erections at any time and be able to keep them throughout sex (or until his partner is satisfied) and that men always want to have – and are ready to have – sex. In reality, men’s sexuality – like women’s – is far more complex. \nMen’s sexuality can be influenced by health and lifestyle choices (e.g., weight, fitness, cardiovascular health, eating and sleep habits), body image, genes, medical conditions, side effects from medications, romantic relationships and more. Although men’s sexuality involves so much more than erections, we’ll focus on erections since that is what you’ve asked about.\nPenises become erect due to mental (sexual) excitement, physical stimulation (such as a hand or mouth on a man’s penis) or both. If a man is feeling stressed, then even very high sexual excitement may not be enough to overcome the barrier of mental stress. Women, too, may like or feel excited by a partner, but thoughts of work, school or family problems may keep them from becoming well lubricated or able to orgasm. \nUnfortunately, because people in our culture rarely talk openly about the reality of sexuality, many women and men do not know how common or normal these experiences may be. As a result, many people blame themselves or their partner for erection, lubrication and orgasm difficulties that are often beyond their control. \nWhen you get upset with your partner or frequently ask if he is still attracted to you, he may feel pressured to “prove” his attraction by trying to get and maintain an erection. The stress and pressure of trying to prove this to you may actually make it even more difficult for him to get or maintain an erection. As such, a vicious cycle of erection problems and stress may be created. \nThat said, sometimes men do find it difficult to get or keep erection problems because of relationship problems or a lack of attraction. We cannot say why your boyfriend has been having difficulty with erections. It might be stress, medications, fatigue, relationship problems, performance anxiety (which is very common among younger men) or something else entirely. \nTry taking the pressure off of your boyfriend to perform. His penis is not the only way to find out how he feels for you; his words should count for something too. If he says he likes you, is attracted to you and wants to date you, then that is worth listening to. \nConsider being sexual together in ways that take the focus off of his penis. Try kissing, making out, trading back massages, or taking baths together. If he does become erect, try not to lead him quickly into sex. Instead, consider giving him the space to initiate sex if he wants to, or not to (avoid pressuring him to have sex, as that stress might cause him to lose his erection). Finally, you might find The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions (W.W. Norton, $15.95) to be of help.