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(11/29/07 5:00am)
All the elements of an action-thriller are here: the body count, the chases, the suspenseful camera shots of doorknobs and grizzled men with guns. Yet "Die Hard" this ain't. \nTaking the genre exercise seriously, the Coen Brothers craft each scene to perfection. There's just enough shaky-cam in those chases, and for a movie with this much wanton slaughter, it's not sloppy. Every shot lasts just long enough to establish something -- a man sawing a shotgun or a cop drinking a glass of milk -- then moves on, with nothing left to spare. \nThe plot of the movie, based faithfully on a Cormac McCarthy novel, is an old one: Our hero finds and takes someone else's money, and then everyone tries to kill him, with the cops in clumsy pursuit. Llewellyn Moss (Josh Brolin), the ex-Marine with the misfortune of taking the drug money, finds himself pursued by Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), a psychopathic hit man with no morality and the worst pageboy haircut this side of He-Man. Tommy Lee Jones plays the cop two steps behind, and Woody Harrelson provides unexpected comic relief as a hit-man competitor.\nBefore I get to Bardem's dead-eyed performance, which will dominate any conversation following the movie, I want to mention how hard it is to evaluate "No Country." On one hand, everything about it is formally faultless: from the lighting and soundtrack to the acting and directing, nothing falls out of place. But this technical precision makes the movie all the more unsettling, because it exudes nothing but death, nihilism and testosterone-fueled masculine apocalypse. \nLook, for example, at how blood oozes everywhere in "No Country for Old Men." Across hotel room floors and down limping legs, we see that sticky red mess spreading out, but Chigurh always picks his feet up, checking his boots for any trace of his victims.\nAnd it's the assassin Chigurh who transfixes us, daring us to laugh at his ridiculous non sequiturs (and hair) right before he blows our brains out. Bardem turns in an extraordinarily sinister performance, sure to draw comparisons to Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal Lecter. Bardem's character, however, has none of Lecter's sophistication; he's a force of nature independent of civilization or society. As Harrelson's character says, Chigurh lives by a different but severe moral code.\nPerhaps, then, this is where my problem with the movie lies. Its dips into metaphysics can't compare to the magnificent and hypnotizing storytelling, and much like their murderous creation Chigurh, the Coens create swaths of violence without passion or purpose. Then, when all the carnage rests and the credits roll, they put their feet up and check for stains. Sure, the filmmaking stretches miles beyond "Hostel II," but is the message any different? Is mankind really doomed to hideous violence?\nThere's no doubt that the Coens have made a masterpiece. Whether you'll enjoy it is another story.
(09/20/07 4:00am)
Motion City Soundtrack is considered one of the best bands in the "emo" scene due to the pop culture-laden lyrics and synth-pop sound they crafted so perfectly on their debut I Am the Movie. Behind its quirky veneer is frontman Justin Pierre's battle with substance abuse, which he finally conquered during the recording of their third album, Even If It Kills Me.\nWith that fitting title, MCS has created its most personal material to date, and the results are tremendous. The group has made the logical progression from their previous release, and while the 13 tracks display a man fighting off major demons, it's not a depressing listen.\nThe band is at its best when it's not trying to recreate old music and instead dials it back for more piano-led tracks. "Last Night" is an ideal example of this, as Pierre croons, "The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend" over the twinkling guitars. \n"Hello Helicopter" combines both old and new to generate a fantastic track. The song opens with Pierre whispering over a soft piano until the guitars drive the verses in their typical foot-tapping fashion. The synth laces the final minute as gang vocals assist Pierre to ask, "Are we ever going to get it right? / Are we ever going to start making sense?"\nWhen MCS does return to its light-heartedness, there are standout moments, including the single "This Is For Real," which features surprisingly upbeat lyrics about "coming clean," as Pierre looks for light at the end of the tunnel.\nThe closing title track is the most optimistic song of the album and wraps up Pierre's feelings about overcoming his addiction. All the struggles from the previous 12 tracks are wiped away, and Pierre is finally hopeful as he sings, "For the first time in a long time I can say that I want to try to get better."\nEven If It Kills Me is a beautifully personal album that is not only the best release of the Motion City Soundtrack's career but also the best album in the pop-punk scene this year.
(07/30/07 1:57pm)
There’s been an awful lot of hullabaloo recently concerning IUPD’s decision to upgrade its fleet from the traditional Ford Crown Victorias to sporty, needlessly aggressive-looking, pathetically overhyped Dodge Chargers. Many people argue that it’s a waste of money and that the police department should be spending its tuition-based funding on other, more important additions to the squad.\nThey’re missing the point. Generally speaking, the lifespan of a cop car is about 3 to 5 years, and even that’s pushing the limit. Consider that these cars usually run 24 hours straight with little or no downtime, that they’re pushed to their limit on a near-daily basis and that Crown Vics are only truly “undercover” in a retirement village. \nGranted, the new Chargers are kind of silly-looking, and their ability to run on E85 Ethanol fuel is limited by their inability to locate an E85 filling station in Bloomington city limits. However, if you take it as a given that IUPD needs new cars and understand that Chargers or Chevy Impalas are the only available options (the law states you must buy American whenever possible) then your rage should begin to settle. By the way, the police department went with the Chargers and not the Impalas because of space. Apparently, enough people get arrested often enough that they need to be able to fit three adults comfortably into the backseats.\nObviously, we can’t have the entire IUPD force on bicycles (as most of the brass is too out of shape to ride for long distances) and horses are not only expensive to buy and keep but leave their droppings all over the ground. Moreover, if we buy cars used by another police force that have already been beaten up and destroyed, we’ll just have to replace them again next year, thus wasting more money than buying new cars now.\nSpending money on an organization that is, in many ways, “The Anti-Fun” may seem like a horrible idea, but it’s the way the world works – so get used to it.
(07/17/07 1:04pm)
This morning I got a call from my publisher informing me he was pulling my new book “Ex-aggeration,” which details the hellish nightmare that was my previous girlfriend. “WTF, mate?” was my obvious reaction – that he was a kangaroo rancher before moving to New York made the joke funny. \nHe informed me that last week a jury in Elkton, Md., ordered Charles W. Azain, 56, to pay $52,000 in reparations to his ex-girlfriend for defamation of character. Azain was so dejected about the couple breaking up that he penned “The Bonnie Chronicles,” named for his former lover Bonnie Gifford. The 54-page exposition claimed that Gifford was, among other things, HIV-positive and bipolar. Neither of those things happened to be true, but that didn’t stop Azain from proceeding to distribute the manuscript to Gifford’s friends, families and co-workers. \nI, for one, am outraged. This is just the latest in a long series of crimes committed against the artistic community. Now I’m not saying that Gifford deserved to have her life rewritten by a lover who couldn’t let go, and I don’t want to call Azain a hero, but there are some stories that are so insane, so completely unbelievable, that the reader must suspend belief. For instance, Harry Potter is an obvious pseudonym for David Blaine, and the book clearly an embellishment of his childhood attending boarding school. But the series still sells more in an hour than James Frey’s brave memoir “A Million Little Pieces” sold in three weeks of Oprah coverage.\nMy first instinct was to sue for enforcement of contract, but my attorney insisted I publish it as an opinion editorial, also known as “fiction” to those of you not familiar with journalism lingo. You see, even though it’s 110 percent true, the lawyer said it was a biological impossibility for Jenna Bush to have tusks. When I showed him the chess set she carved out of them when they were knocked out in a bar fight on the east side of Detroit, he told me ivory poaching was in violation of international law. \n“So?” I quickly interjected. The point is that the story is true. As was her affinity for drunk driving and smack. Moreover, it’s my prerogative as a tabloid writer/artisan to make up whatever I want, whenever I want, regardless of the consequences; and it’s your responsibility as the reader to assume anything you haven’t heard before is true, or at least true-ish enough to spread around. (Psst! Jenna Bush lubricates electrical outlets with her tongue before attempting to insert any appliance greater than 1200 watts. True story.) \n“Hearsay?” I parroted. “Never heard of it.” \nBut I did hear her say that the government is allowing Osama bin Laden to plan future terrorist attacks so the president can falsify a connection to Ayatollah Khomeini as a pretense to invade Iran. \n“That’s not libel,” he said, “just stupid. If half the things you allege in your story are true, Jenna Bush wouldn’t have the cognitive faculties to remember all those details. Just because she broke your heart – and I’m beginning to doubt that part too – doesn’t mean you can start spreading lies, especially ones you can’t prove. Not only do you destroy the lives of innocent people, but you ruin any chance of being taken seriously in the future, a la Nancy Grace and Geraldo.” \n“What about the chapter in which I explain how we TP’ed the Oval Office?”
(07/05/07 5:09pm)
I’m thinking of a North Carolina man, a 25-year veteran and widely respected federal employee convicted of perjury, ordered to spend 33 months in prison for making false statements to investigators. The sentence was well within the federal guidelines that attempt to ensure punishments are relatively equal from case to case, but his attorneys appealed the ruling, arguing that the sentence was too severe. Can you guess who it is? I’ll give you another hint: one legal scholar said of future cases, defendants “are going to have an awfully hard time getting that sentence disrupted on appeal.” \nThat’s right, Victor A. Rita. Last month the U.S. Supreme Court upheld his sentence by a vote of 6-3 after federal prosecutors from the Justice Department claimed that the recipient of 35 military commendations, awards and metals (and no prior criminal history) lied about his involvement in a gun registration violation.\nYou wouldn’t know it just by looking at the commutation of I. Lewis Libby’s 30-month sentence, but the Bush administration is an ardent supporter of federal sentencing guidelines, though they are often deemed excessive by legal scholars and the general public. “Scooter” Libby, as he’s known to both good friends and sworn enemies, was charged with perjury last year for disrupting an investigation into the leaking of former CIA agent Valerie Plame. Libby’s charges are not all that different from Rita’s – until lying to prosecutors about their various crimes, they were both in good legal standing and have families and careers that would be unfairly injured by the punishments. \nSo why did the president commute Libby’s sentence and not Rita’s? One of the two reasons he does anything: he either doesn’t know what he’s doing or doesn’t care.\nBy commuting Libby’s sentence, the president opened the floodgates for any number of appeals by white-collar and violent criminals alike demanding what Stetson University criminal law professor Ellen Podgor is calling “‘the Libby motion’: It will basically say, ‘My client should have got what Libby got.’ ” \nJust because Bush’s statements carry no legal weight doesn’t mean that judges will ignore them. He is (like Vice President Cheney) a co-equal branch of government, after all, and the opinion of the elected executive ought not be taken lightly. Surely, the Yale-educated president or one of the many aides and legal counsels he supposedly consulted over the course of several weeks (The New York Times, July 4) would have realized the trouble with contradicting one of their administration’s staunchest positions. But alas, Bush apparently failed to understand what lawyers and scholars immediately recognized as a very real “get out of jail free” card.\nInstead, Bush argued that Judge Reggie Walton took into account facts that the jury was not privy to, that he ignored Libby’s positive contribution in service to his country and that the Libby family would be unduly burdened by the jailing of Cheney’s former chief-of-staff. These are identical to the reasons cited time and again in appellate courts by defendants trying to reduce their terms, including Victor Rita. \nAttorney General Alberto Gonzales is even pushing for legislation making federal sentences tougher and less flexible. So if the administration won’t ease off the federal sentencing guidelines for identical crimes, but debated the possible ramifications of pardoning Libby or commuting his sentence for literally weeks, the only explanation is that the executive order was political favoritism and nothing more.
(07/01/07 10:08pm)
I hate pre-frosh. They’re like locusts. They swarm in droves of thousands upon thousands, destroying crops and devouring Burger King as if their parents hadn’t fed them in three weeks. And like locusts, only a small fraction of them are feeding at any given moment, while the rest are buzzing around campus, getting caught in students’ hair, accosting professors on their way to class and splattering their high-school-educated brains all over my windshield. \nDo you have any idea how difficult it is to wash pre-frosh off of my Mazda? Do you?! \nIt may not seem like it during the summer, but this is still a University and I’m still taking classes. The last thing I need to hear while I’m in class is the pre-frosh stampede tramping down the Woodburn hallways causing all sorts of god-awful racket while I’m trying to understand the subtle and culturally alien differences between Sunnis and Shiites. I don’t need to be reminded of days gone by when lunches were provided to me in collapsable cardboard boxes and the only concern on my mind was how to silly string the hot RA upstairs.\nYou kids are so immature.\nAnd for the love of Herman B Wells, would you please stop ordering late-night Pizza Express – you’re slowing down my delivery time. I’m old enough to go to the bars, you pre-frosh are barely tall enough to be considered a species of pygmy. Who do you think needs greasy drunk food more, you or me? That’s right. Me.\nI’ve been selling organs on the black market to pay for tuition; you’re here on vacation. Get out of my way! \nAnd yes, of course I know where the library is. It’s the highest point on campus. You can see it from the bloody moon! Stop asking me, and look at your special orientation map of campus. It’s the massive building labeled “LIBRARY.” Where’s 10th Street, you ask? North of Ninth Street. Imagine that. Now leave me alone, I’m trying to read!\nYou think I’m joking? I’m not. You bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, giggling bags of naivete are making an already brutal term almost totally unbearable. \nOK, OK – I’m glad you chose IU, and you’re going to have a great time here, but I need to be able to walk down the sidewalk without being pushed into oncoming traffic by a rampaging hoard of students-to-be. When I leave, this whole campus will be yours. But for now, just let me enjoy what little time I have left. \nAnd if you absolutely have to wander aimlessly around campus, at least have the courtesy and common sense to stay the hell away from me. You’d be amazed how effective locust insecticide can be on you pre-frosh.
(06/24/07 9:28pm)
Norton Juster’s “The Phantom Tollbooth” begins with the protagonist Milo returning home from school. He simply can’t figure out the point of his education. When he gets to his house, he finds a giant package addressed mysteriously to him – though it’s not his birthday, nor a holiday, nor has he been particularly nice as of late. Upon opening the package, it magically transforms itself into a Tollbooth and what basically amounts to a Fisher-Price Power Wheel to take him around the universe of learning and enlightenment on the other side. \nDespite the critics who call the International Space Station a tremendous waste of taxpayer money, its purpose is identical to Milo’s tollbooth. The Station is a joint venture by NASA, the European Space Agency, the Russians, Canadians and the Japanese with the cost and responsibility diffused amongst the several partners. First proposed 23 years ago, it would serve as the replacement for the now-destroyed Mir space station built by the Soviet Union. \nThe International Space Station was envisaged as a place to perform cutting-edge biological experiments and produce new materials impossible to manufacture in Earth’s gravity environment, for a cost of $8 billion. Today, with 12 more components yet to be installed, the price tag has soared beyond $100 billion, forcing Time Magazine to articulate the question on so many Americans’ minds: “Why bother?” – especially considering the mortal danger the whole project was in just a few days ago. \nLast week, while astronauts were attempting to install a new solar panel to generate power, the computers controlling the attitude (pitch) of the 235-ton, 240-foot-long complex crashed with seven crewmen onboard. Their lives were not in immediate danger because they have a 56-day reserve air supply and water and food to keep everyone fed and hydrated until the problem could be solved; not to mention that the space shuttle Atlantis was also docked, fueled, and ready to depart. However, had astronauts not been able to restore the system, the station would not have been able to recharge its solar cells, and the orbit would have begun to deteriorate. \nThe astronauts did, however, repair the problem, installed the solar panel array, and fixed a piece of thermal foam dangling off of the Atlantis – all while hurtling through the space at 3500 miles per second 220 miles above Earth. Not something an unmanned craft could ever accomplish. \nTo be sure, the most technologically sophisticated remote control cars ever built, the Mars Rovers, are cheaper to produce and launch into the farthest reaches of the solar system, but they are both incapable of completing the range of activities as humans and completing what few tasks they can as quickly as real people. \nSome believe, however, that the entire space program should be scrapped, as it rarely uncovers anything that truly improves the quality of life for people on Earth. What they neglect to see is that science is a process of baby steps. To build the internal combustion engine, for example, humans first had to learn to use fire, to understand pressure and force, chemical reactivity and mechanization. Without thousands of years of researching, developing and perfecting the various interdependent parts, we would still be riding horses. \nOur space program is little more than 50 years-old, and in spite of the naysayers, has opened up the cosmos. We no longer guess about the heavens above; we discuss them frankly and credibly. And many years from now, when the world comes to an end, either by our own destructive tendencies or natural forces, we will look on our lunar and Martian colonies fondly, and thank the earliest explorers for their contributions to science and mankind. \nThe answer to “why bother?” is esoteric, I’ll admit, but when it comes to phenomenal wastes of taxpayers’ money, the International Space Station deserves a break; in fact, it deserves top financial priority. As Norton Juster wrote, “remember that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you’ll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow.”
(06/20/07 9:43pm)
Now that researchers have discovered the cure for two of the world’s most devastating illnesses, cancer and AIDS, they finally have the time to tackle a real problem: bland beer. \nJim Koch, president of Boston Beer Company, brewer of the Samuel Adams line, rolled out a scientifically designed pint glass designed by beer engineers, beergineers, if you will, whose sole purpose is to improve the taste of a lackluster lager. Though Koch admits the glass “will not make Natty Light taste like Sam Adams,” the nucleation site built into the bottom of the cup will apparently, somehow, for no real good reason, enhance flavor and aroma.\nAmong the glass’ many technological refinements is a beaded rim, which according to the company “creates turbulence, releasing aromas as beer enters mouth;” an outward-turned lip to sharpen “sweetness detection;” and the pièce de résistance: a “nucleation site lasered into the bottom for increased hop aroma release.” Even if any of these advances in drinking technology can only be understood by the heaviest drinkers, Koch insists the glass is not merely a clever marketing ploy, it’s serious business.\nBut if marketing isn’t the goal, then why stop at an $8 product? Why not take beer consumption to a whole new level. Since time immemorial beer drinkers have been relegated to the traditional method of intoxication—whether it’s a standard glass, a funnel attached to a plastic tube, or sucking it directly out of the keg, the commonality is the mouth.\nInstead of spending precious time and money on new containers, Koch and his team ought to be researching alternative methods of inebriation, such as an aerosol can, for instance. When you’re out on the town, it’s a constant race against last call. If Sam Adams scientists could invent an asthmatic inhaler loaded with 190-proof grain alcohol, bar patrons wouldn’t have to chug their drinks as fast as humanly possible.\nThe ergonomics of one’s drinking chalice are far less important than function, and the function is getting hammered. Koch has lost his way, has strayed from the one true path. Technology should make our lives more convenient, but if Microsoft Windows is any indication, it shouldn’t make our lives more pleasant.
(06/17/07 9:56pm)
To Whom It May Concern:\nI am writing to apply for the Assistant Specialist Consulting Supervisor position in the Office of Technical Management (requisition number 11575). Please find enclosed my resume and writing samples for your consideration. I have been informed by Mr. Wiezinskister in the Recruiting Department that your company is concerned with the inordinate number of job applicants lying about their qualifications, so I want to make it clear that unlike former CEO of Radio Shack Dave Edmondson I have in fact earned the two bachelor’s degrees which I list on my CV. \nI would also like to add that there is no reason to call Express Personnel Services to confirm the information I am telling you, because all of it is true, down to the summer I spent cleaning out the ears of orphaned Killer Whales. I am quite the environmentalist, you see. I also coordinated efforts with the Coast Guard to find families for the abandoned Orcas. \n1995 – Bachelor of Science, International Political Monetization, London School of Economics\n1997 – Juris Doctorate, Human Rights Law, Yale University Law School\n2000 – PhD, Quantum Mechanics, Massachusetts Institute of Technology \n2006 to 2007 – Chief Designer of the iPhone. Steve Jobs and I go way back, since I discovered a way to produce a miniature hard drive for use in the iPod. With my help, Apple Computers is now back on track to financial solvency.\n2003 to 2007 – Editor-in-Chief of the Indiana Daily Student. The majority of my duties include making it seem as if someone else is in charge since a new management staff is supposed to be chosen every semester. However, since I arrived at IU, I was fast-tracked by the Department of Student Media so that I would be prepared for a job running the New York Times. During my eight-semester tenure as EIC I have interviewed the likes of UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali; Chinese President Hu Jintao; Kumble Subbaswamy, former dean of the College of Arts and Sciences; MC Hammer and diaper-donning astronaut Lisa Nowak.\n2004 to 2005 – Quarterback for the New England Patriots. There are a number of rumors circulating that say the no-talent hack Tom Brady took the Pats to the Super Bowl and beyond, but you can trust me when I tell you the Brady bunch couldn’t lead a moth to a flame. While I did most of my work on the field, you may be less aware of the breakthroughs I made in cold-fusion technology and cancer research. The recently approved Human Pamplona Virus vaccine is one of my most prized accomplishments.\n2000 to 2003 – Presidential Committee for the Preservation of the Majestic Otter. Responsible for otter protection from hunters, poachers, and dangerous woodland creatures that would – given the opportunity – tear their adorable little faces right off their adorable little heads by their adorable whiskers. Nominated by President Bush and confirmed by the Senate for a lifetime appointment, I was the government’s foremost expert on otter affairs until I finished training a replacement, now-Governor Schwarzenegger, so I could pursue some of my other interests listed above.\nI am very interested in working with your company, and lending my leadership expertise to your CEO. Thank you again for your consideration in this matter, you will not regret your decision.
(05/24/07 4:00am)
Ever sit around and listen to two people discuss the meaning of life over beer and pizza? The conversation is generally disjointed and confusing, leaving significant questions unanswered and coming to no concrete conclusion. Now imagine that same conversation, only this time between two filmmakers. The result? A mess that writers Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel call The Fountain.\nThe science fiction film takes place in the past, present and future, with Tommy (Hugh Jackman) taking on a different role during each period. A conquistador in the past, a neurosurgeon in the present and a creator of the world in the future, Tommy is primarily concerned with finding the meaning of death and bent on saving his wife Izzie (Rachel Weisz) from a terminal illness. Seeking a cure, he pursues the Mayan Tree of Life − the classical fountain of youth − a journey that takes him deep into the South American jungle and on a spaceship to the center of a nebula.\nThe film, much like the description above, will leave most viewers asking, "What the hell are they talking about?" While the concept might work well in philosophy class, transposing it onto the big screen reveals it more as a whimsical idea than a concrete subject for filmmaking.\nLuckily, there are a few elements that outshine the mediocre-at-best plot. Jackman's performance gives the film meaning, and the establishment of his character through different time periods links them together − a task at which the script fails miserably. \nIn addition, the cinematography is breathtaking and innovative. Especially stunning are the shots of outer space, which one of the few interviews on the DVD features reveals were taken from images of chemical reactions in a Petri dish.\nThe movie sets out to reveal some insight into the question "What is the meaning of life, the universe and everything?" Rather than The Fountain's ambiguous and eventually boring conclusion, I think I prefer the classic answer: 42.
(05/10/07 1:16am)
For most students, summer is a time of renewal and rejuvenation. Classes are out, beaches are in, and checking accounts are overflowing with disposable income from local Starbucks and summer camps. The rest of us are running on empty, until September or until we keel over and die—whichever comes first. Your savings from last year have been completely exhausted, your hair is falling out while you study, and you’ve run out of blank notebooks. \nFortunately, the one thing we summer students do get more of (besides stress-related pimples and tanning lines) is a printing allotment. Although the unused portion of an undergraduate student’s 650 pages-per-semester printing quota will roll over from the fall to the spring, leftovers are voided after two terms, forcing already drained (mentally and financially) students to shoulder the difference.\nAccording to the UITS Web site, the 650-page limit is “designed so 85 percent of students will not incur any additional printing expenses.” How UITS came to this figure is unclear, but considering the tendency for UITS to inflate statistics to suit their purposes (97 percent satisfied, my ass) it’s likely they just guessed. At 4 cents per page, these low-ball estimates end up costing students huge amounts of money by the end of the semester. This is especially obvious considering a 500-page ream of laser paper costs $7.48 at Staples (.015 cents per page).\nI’m not calling for a limitless printing quota. There’s no doubt that the University needs to curb its paper consumption, but a compromise needs to be found between conservation and the practical demands of academia. \nOne option would be to buy a license to Adobe Acrobat Professional so students could highlight and annotate their PDF notes directly on their computer. Of course, that could cost more per student than a 1000-page quota. \nEasier solutions exist. Absurd as it is, double-sided “duplex” printing eats up two pages of a student’s allotment despite only using a single sheet of paper. If the purpose of the printing allotment is to save a few trees, it only makes sense to set every computer on campus to print double-sided by default. On the other hand, if the University is trying to save a dime on laser toner, then it’s time to stop being so damn cheap. \nEasier still would be a system for moving extra paper from one year to the next, or even just 75 percent of a student’s remaining allotment, using a system like RPS’s meal points, which previously vanished into the ether (i.e. the pockets of greedy, fiscally criminal RPS employees) at the end of the school year. And since it hardly matters who uses the printer, it ought to be possible for a student with unused pages to transfer them to another student. \nThe University has a choice to make: cost or responsibility. If professors continue to insist on assigning photocopied readings, then the school must provide the resources to print them. 1300 pages a year might seem like a lot, but the simple fact of the matter is if 650 pages are enough for 85 percent of students, then 15 percent of students aren’t doing the required reading.
(05/07/07 4:00am)
The media calls her the D.C. Madam; her clients use the pseudonym “Miz Julia”: she’s poised, provocative, mysterious, and oh so metropolitan. Sexy, savvy, and just a little dangerous, she’s the hottest little thang to come out of Washington since, well, Valerie Plame, really. Known to her friends, family and government prosecutors as Deborah Jeane Palfrey, she is accused of operating a $300-an-hour prostitution ring under the guise of a legal escort and massage service to the District’s movers and shakers.\n According to phone records subpoenaed by the federal court, and offered freely to ABC News, some 10,000 to 15,000 clients from D.C., Maryland and Virginia used Palfrey’s network over the last 13 years. When Palfrey announced she would release her entire Rolodex before going to prison on racketeering charges, Washington news junkies quivered in anticipation. Which lonely, or desperate, White House official was sneaking behind his wife? Whose long, celebrated career would come to a sexy halt?\nI’m all pins and needles!\nNeedless to say, covering such seductively juicy beats is a full-time operation for the media. Stories like this come around once in a lifetime – well, once in a month anyway. There’s simply no time to follow up on the Bush Administration’s illegal wiretapping scheme. Remember that one? Boy, was that exciting. \nUpon closer inspection, it appears that of the 2,181 warrant requests submitted to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance court last year, 2,176 were accepted. Oops. \nIn January, after the president had been caught red-handed spying on American citizens, he agreed to stop circumventing the FISA court. Since then, 99.77 percent of warrant requests were granted by a court whose supposed purpose is to check unrestricted abuse by the executive branch. In actuality, the court is a rubber stamp that institutionalizes policies that are in direct violation of the words and spirit of the Constitution.\nThough it’s impossible to know which, if any, wiretaps yielded promising leads (primarily because CNN’s level of investigative journalism rivals that of a glazed doughnut), there’s no way that all 42 wiretaps each week provided information relevant to terrorist plots. By allowing the administration to cast such a wide net, the FISA court essentially gives the executive branch a free pass to ignore the Fourth Amendment. \nNow the president wants to expand the FISA court’s jurisdiction to include all types of electronic communication, and extending to seven days (from three) the length of time the administration may wiretap a suspected terrorist before obtaining a warrant. These and other changes would almost entirely invalidate the FISA court, returning the judiciary’s remaining .03 percent of discretion to President Bush.\nIf the media didn’t need a Ritalin injection every morning to keep them from covering clowns on tricycles, Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wisc.) might have found the court’s wanton disregard of their duties more than merely “objectionable.” After all, what could be better for the senator and the Democrats than Bush Scandal No. 5,472? Apparently, making sure Ted Kennedy isn’t fooling around with a Naval Academy instructor, courtesy of Miz Julia.
(04/27/07 4:00am)
Since the FDA approved Prozac in 1988, it seems like Americans have become more depressed each year. No one’s exactly sure why it’s happening, but it looks like SSRIs are causing depression, not treating it. It’s almost as if a prescription to Prozac causes depression. \nOf course, this isn’t always the case because many people are truly clinically depressed. But the American Psychiatric Association recently found that at least 1 in 4 people treated for depression have been misdiagnosed.\nToday, doctors are becoming ever more hesitant to prescribe antidepressants, and when they do, it’s often a generic version of the original fluoxetine chemical. As a result, Eli Lilly’s Prozac profit well has all but dried up. As a result, the pharmaceutical giant is creating some suspect products.\nImagine someone said to you: “I’ve got a great new product that will make us billions! First, I’m going to buy a pack of cigarettes, and then dip them into beef flavored Ramen noodle broth.” You’d probably walk away and try to forget such a ridiculous conversation, but let’s say the man followed you. “When the beef-infused cigarettes dry, I’ll repackage them and sell the carton for unconscionable amounts of money. I’ll call them ‘Cigeye Steaks.’”\n“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” you’d probably say, “Now get away from me before I call the police.”\nBecause he’s crazy, he’d naturally ask, “Why?” \n“Because you’re scaring me!”\n“What about Cigeye Steaks?”\n“No one would buy them! ‘Cigeye Steaks’ are all the worst parts of cigarettes except they taste like an Extra Value Meal.” \nWell, the joke’s on you. Dog owners would buy them. Apparently. Probably the same ones who would order Reconcile, Eli Lilly’s pioneering new cure to “canine separation disorder.” It’s called CSD, by the way, because “doggie depression” makes people think there might be a nitrous oxide leak at the Lilly building. “Research shows that 10.7 million, or up to 17 percent of U.S. dogs suffer from separating anxiety,” said Steve Connell, manager of technical, academic and consumer services for companion animal health at Lilly. \nIn case you’re wondering if your Beagle is bipolar, the symptoms of CSD manifest when a dog is left home alone and include: “destruction, excess vocalization and inappropriate behavior,” according to the same press release. In other words, if your dog chews on things, barks at strangers, or urinates on the carpet – basically, if your dog is a dog – then it should be on a Reconcile diet. \nThere’s been debate about whether pharmaceutical companies are manufacturing illnesses to match the effects of their drugs. Since Canine Separation Disorder is essentially the clinical diagnosis of being a bad dog, I think Eli Lilly’s Reconcile has definitively settled the debate with a resounding woof in the affirmative.
(04/20/07 4:00am)
For students, Friday, May 4 will be a day of jubilation. Here in Bloomington the last day of final exams rings in the summer vacation with festivities that rival the madness of Little 500 just two weeks before. With thoughts turned to warm beaches and cold daiquiris it will be easy to ignore the unconscionable execution of David Leon Woods.\nThe 42-year-old man from DeKalb County was convicted for the 1984 murder of Juan Placencia, a friend of Woods’ mother in Garret, Ind. Gregory Sloan and Patrick Sweet accompanied Woods, who was 19 at the time, to Placencia’s apartment with the intention of stealing the television. When Placencia, 77, opened the door Woods stabbed him in the neck, face and torso several times. Though his fellow assailants were sent to prison, only Woods has spent the last 22 years in death’s shadow, a cruel insult that ends in unusually pitiless injury.\nProponents of capital punishment see his execution as a fitting end to a brutal killer, but they conveniently disregard the circumstances that drove Woods to commit the crime. According to Amnesty International, Woods exhibits clear signs of mental retardation and brain damage stemming from years of abuse and neglect. In 2005 the U.S. Court of Appeals acknowledged Woods’ troubled childhood, noting Woods’ mother and several boyfriends “took sadistic pleasure in physically abusing Woods and his siblings.” At one point she offered her 13- and 11-year-old daughters to a local motorcycle gang that she was housing. The court papers even describe how Woods’ mother chained the refrigerator shut and would only feed her children as a reward for stealing.\nWoods was eventually moved into foster care, but continued to suffer from depression and violent mood swings, at one point taking a knife to his arms and stomach. None of this, however, was of any consequence to the Indiana Supreme Court, which rejected a March 2007 mental retardation plea that would have rendered Woods’ execution unconstitutional.\nThe accused has very little time and very few options. Today Woods is being interviewed by the Indiana Parole Board, which will vote to grant clemency after a public hearing in Indianapolis Monday. The board’s recommendation will then go to Gov. Mitch Daniels, who will decide Woods’ fate.\nIf Gov. Daniels has any shred of humanity, he will delay David Woods’ execution until the state’s capital penal code can be reformed in accordance with the Indiana Death Penalty Assessment Report by the American Bar Association. The report, which recommends a temporary moratorium on capital punishment, argues, “Jurisdictions should bar the execution of individuals who have mental retardation” because Indiana law fails to create a base-standard of insanity, or to protect the insane from wrongful execution.\nIn the wake of Monday’s massacre at Virginia Tech it seems easy to categorically condemn violently disturbed individuals. We have to be careful though, not to let our anger manifest itself as a lethal injection. Even as victims, we must learn to hate the disease, not the sufferer.
(04/13/07 4:00am)
Christ on crutches, haven’t you trustees taken enough from me? You told me this would be the most rewarding experience of my life, so I put my whole life on hold for you, and now look at me. I’m eating Ramen noodles out of an old recycled beer-pong cup. The label is so faded that I don’t even know which pizza company delivered it. For all I know it was here when I moved in. If it weren’t my last fully intact dish I would have burned it for warmth last week.\nBut you wouldn’t have that problem, would you? You have all that cash lying around, giant green Scrooge McDuck like piles of money. My money! Don’t try to deny it, you’ve been panhandling like a fiddle-playing monkey since I got here. Tuition’s hard enough but if I don’t have my $70 activity fee or $50 transportation fee you’ll probably burn my diploma. That’s blackmail, trustee President Stephen L. Ferguson. Do you hear me? Highway robbery!\nI slave night and day until my fingertips blister and blood pools around my inner ear – for you, trustee Ferguson, for you. But you don’t want to see me pass my classes, you just want your check so you can buy some big shiny useless thing, like that new Cyber Infrastructure Facility. Every assignment I do is an uphill battle against Oncourse or E-Reserves, it would be doing the world a favor to let the servers burn down.\nAfter four years suckling this teat dry, I thought you’d move on to fatter, more lucrative students but it’s never enough, the hunger is insatiable. Fortunately, other than the required commencement apparel (basically a contract termination fee) you can’t force me to pay for anything else, but that doesn’t stop the letters or the phone calls. \nIt seems like you only need to apply to IU to be added to the IU Foundation call list. I need to add my cell phone to the National Do Not Call Registry, because the telefund calls me more often than the Red Cross asking for blood donations, but last week was the first time the quota-driven telebeggers had the nerve to ask for more than $100. Like I tell the Red Cross, I desperately want to give – I love IU – but I need that money to live. Just let me get a job, and a house, maybe a dog, and then we can talk about scholarship donations.\nAs for the Alumni Association, even in the right lighting, squinting really hard, I still can’t see why one would join. Though I’m not sure how my post-graduate life could ever be complete without a yearlong subscription to the always riveting Alumni Magazine, paying a $20 membership fee for a 10 percent discount for a $50 hoodie at the Alumni Store is an astoundingly bad deal.\nNow if you’ll have to excuse me, if the Ramen dries to the cup it won’t come off tomorrow.
(04/06/07 4:00am)
Monday marked the 25th anniversary of the Falklands War, a 74-day British military campaign ordered by Margaret Thatcher to reclaim the islands after a 1982 invasion by Argentine forces. Today both countries make sovereign territorial claims to the small Atlantic islands. But despite the islands’ proximity to Argentina, the international community tends to recognize British sovereignty, proving yet again that sovereignty can only truly be guaranteed by the exercise of a state’s hard power and the amiability of that state’s neighbors and allies.\nThough the United Nations Charter and countless international treaties – both militaristic and economic – symbolically reinforce the preeminence of a government over its geographic territory, the practical efficacy of those documents is in fact greatly overstated. Take, for instance, the current dispute between the predominantly Albanian Kosovo National Assembly and the Serbian government in Belgrade.\nFollowing the 1999 Balkan conflict, U.N. Security Council Resolution 1244 authorized the Interim Administration Mission in Kosovo (UNMIK) to govern the province until a lasting resolution could be reached. In spite of Belgrade’s insistence that Kosovo remain part of Serbia, the proposal delivered Feb. 2 by U.N. special envoy Martii Ahtisaari (of UNOSEK) essentially grants full statehood to the embattled province. \nThe Status Proposal is intended to be a compromise between the Serbs and Albanians; however, it clearly ignores Belgrade’s undisputed territorial claim to the Kosovo region. While the proposal diplomatically omits the word independent, it nevertheless includes provisions for a separate constitution, a self-governing legislature, a “distinct flag, seal and anthem,” a national language and the right to enter into treaties and multinational organizations without approval from, or association with Serbia. Not surprisingly, Belgrade has denounced the proposal as an attack on its sovereignty and right to self-determination, claiming that Kosovo’s autonomy under the proposal is tantamount to independence.\nGiven the extent of Kosovo’s autonomy under the proposal, one is forced to wonder how exactly Pristina is tied to Belgrade. The answers are not readily apparent. The two regions share neither demographic similarities, a common currency, nor a common language – their history may be the only similarity. Though the proposal calls for a small multinational security force to ensure stability during the transition from UNOSEK, the primary reason to remain a part of Serbia seems to be the U.N. Envoy Ahtisaari’s fear of future Serbian aggression.\nWhatever specific motivations resulted in the proposal’s final form, the implications are clear: State sovereignty is an illusion for countries unable to command the respect of the international community. The differences between Serbs and Albanians have proven as irreconcilable as the animosity between Russia and Chechnya, Israel and Palestine, or even the Basque separatists in Spain. However, the issue of Kosovar independence is distinct from similar separatist movements in that Russia, Israel and Spain are capable of deflecting international pressure. \nCripplingly deliberative and militarily impotent as the U.N. may be, it regularly and willfully exercises the power to redraw the very boundaries of a sovereign state. With a pen stroke the Security Council could give Argentina, Falklands and all to the queen.
(03/30/07 4:00am)
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privileged honor to inform you that the four-year-old conflict in Iraq is finally over. Unlike World War II, victory was not achieved by a monumental leap in technological progress, nor did public outrage force a change in foreign policy as in Vietnam. No, this new kind of war required a new kind of weapon: happy thoughts. Incredible, but true, the happy thoughts from almost six million owners of “The Secret” have also fully reversed the effects of global climate change, and have driven my puppy’s cancer into full remission.\n“The Secret” is a guide to eternal happiness, spiritual balance, and most importantly, material wealth – primarily for the book’s publisher, but never mind that. It is available in faux-parchment hardcover for readers, and a 90-minute DVD for the hopelessly lonely, closet-alcoholic, stay-at-home moms who don’t have time for books, but do have time for Oprah (on which it has been featured twice). \nThe Australian TV producer turned New Age prophet, Rhonda Byrne, insists that the world, nay the universe, functions according to the “law of attraction,” a force always operating on you, with you or at you (it’s never clear which) to create the reality that you imagine being true. \nFanatical truthiness, essentially. “As you learn ‘The Secret,’” Byrne says, “you will come to know how you can have, be or do anything you want.” With proper training and $23.95 cash or charge, no CODs or personal checks, you can create a perfect world.\nUsing Byrne’s technique positive thoughts are manifested as the keys to a BMW seven-series with sport package, leather trim and premium audio system. There’s a catch, but it’s a small price to pay for the ancient wisdom of the historical elites. Negative thoughts may, in rare instances, cause parasitic worm larvae to feed on your spinal tissue before laying eggs in your brain. But then, once you learn “The Secret,” you can close your eyes and wish away your worms like the prophet did – peace be upon her.\nIn 2004 she suffered through a horrible crisis but was reborn after reading about the ancient powers in a book published in the mystical year 1910. Empowered, she willed herself to realize that people will buy anything as long as there’s no guarantee it’ll work, since then Byrne’s made millions, and it’ll work for you too. According to an interview with the Christian Science Monitor, thousands of buyers have sent Byrne “stories of miracles” a success rate of roughly one in 6,000. That’s better than the lottery. Anything from a tapeworm to free gas can be yours if you think about it hard enough, unless of course you’re just thinking wrong, which is no fault of the prophet. \nNow don’t think that Byrne’s success is merely coincidence. Call it misguided, if you must, superstitious, or simply delusional because there’s no credible proof that “The Secret” is real, but that doesn’t make it any less effective. I just wished this column were done.
(03/23/07 4:00am)
Last week Iraqi insurgents detonated three chlorine dirty bombs in densely populated areas, killing eight and sickening as many as 350 people. \nWhen properly diluted in water, chlorine is used in swimming pools to kill mold and bacteria with relatively little harm to humans. However, the green, distinctly odorous gas can be fatal when inhaled or ingested in moderate concentrations. \nThe insurgents built or otherwise obtained trucks rigged with tanks of the noxious gas and explosives, thus bringing America’s 30-year affair with Iraq full circle.\nThough officially neutral, in the 1980s the Reagan administration began secretly supporting Iraq in its war against Iran, believing that an Iranian victory could endanger American interests, despite confirmed intelligence that Iraq was using chemical and biological weapons against the Iranians and Kurds. The famous picture of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein was taken in 1983. When the Gulf War broke out seven years later American and British forces pushed the Iraqi army out of Kuwait and destroyed the majority of Iraq’s weapons caches; a strict embargo and close surveillance prevented Iraq from rebuilding.\nRegardless, in 2003 the second Bush administration considered it a moral imperative to disarm whatever leftover stockpiles of biological and chemical agents, uranium from Africa, super dangerous aluminum tubing, or RVs that doubled as weapons factories, Iraq might be hiding in the desert.\nLong story short, there weren’t any weapons of mass destruction – there were barely any weapons at all for the matter. Bush, unperturbed by the failure to turn up neither weapons, nor terrorists, nor a functioning oil well, nevertheless declared that America had vanquished evil, and once again made the world safe for children. Iraq had been purged of weapons of mass destruction, and an unpredictable despot had been deposed. The idea that the WMD, and by extension the threat to America, had been effectively neutralized 13 years prior was erroneous. That was back when failing to prevent the looting seemed like a serious lack of judgment.\nToday the administration continues to insist that the strategic carpet-bombing of Iraq in 2003 has somehow created a more stable environment, or at least pacified some of the anti-American sentiment. The opposite could not be truer: $400 billion and four years of a hapless occupation have caused the deaths of some 60,000 Iraqi civilians and further agitated the centuries old conflict between Sunnis and Shia. That is to say nothing of the radical Baathists and members of al-Qaida who have demonstrated their ability and willingness to employ chemical warfare against innocent populations. \nThe great irony of course is not simply that the mad dash into Baghdad led by Bush and his horde of neocon marauders both failed to eliminate the threat of WMD and encouraged terrorists to search out chemical weapons, but that continuing to enforce the military and economic sanctions as they had been imposed after the first Gulf War would have prevented Iraq from further disrupting delicate Middle East politics.
(03/09/07 5:00am)
It seems the United States has something of an image problem. No, it’s true. According to a study conducted by the BBC, 51 percent of people across 27 countries believe the US has a negative influence on the world. To put that in perspective, only 48 percent have the same perception of North Korea. Now I won’t claim the U.S. is perfect, or even reasonably acceptable, but we only intentionally starve our population during hurricanes. Of course these statistics don’t mean anything; on their own, the events of the last six years can’t possibly negate the historically positive impact America has had. \nThat things aren’t always as they seem is a lesson that needs to be explained, very slowly, to Super Bowl viewers who filed petitions with the Federal Communications Commission about Prince’s halftime show. The complaints obtained by The Smoking Gun, a Web site dedicated to publicizing otherwise unknown documents, were filed by viewers who consider a 50-foot silhouette of Prince fingering a guitar with conspicuously phallic dimensions particularly offensive.\n Unfortunately, I can’t possibly give the scene justice, but one complaint beautifully encapsulates what everyone was thinking as Prince’s shadow plucked out “Purple Rain:” “… there seemed to be a shadow puppet of his (penis). The sheet … seemed to be (stained?) with something (semen?).” OK, maybe that’s not exactly how you saw it, but you don’t have kids. “My children were watching,” the complaint continues, “Now I have to explain to them what a wet spot is on a cum covered sheet.” \nThe majority of the complaints express their indignation through typos and exaggerated punctuation. Some are so far removed from rational thought that one has to wonder if the supposedly outraged fans aren’t just playing games with a government agency renown for its stern, joyless censors. One viewer was apparently so overwhelmed by “Prince stroking, manipulating and fondling” his mammoth member that it made him “feel small, and unable to perform.” Another said his devastated child had “hoped to be a quarterback and now he will turn out gay. I am actually considering to check him for HIV.”\n“CSI’s” head investigator Gil Grissom cleared Prince of any wrongdoing. “The DNA evidence collected from the wet spot does not match the sample collected from Prince,” he said last week. The network is still investigating how a single man could create such a huge stain or transmit a disease he doesn’t have through a cable box, though sources close to the investigation admit Prince is capable of extraordinary things. \nSharon Jenkins begs the question: why was Janet Jackson’s 2004 “wardrobe malfunction” labeled indecent if “a long drawn out show of simulated masturbation is OK??!!!” An NFL spokesperson responded to Jenkins’ query by explaining that simulated masturbation won the Halftime Theme Contest, easily rubbing out the competing theme, simulated sodomy.\nThey say people see what they want to, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Regardless of what Prince’s engorged guitar shaft might have looked like, it was still just a guitar.
(03/02/07 5:00am)
I can’t believe you don’t recognize me. I’m kind of a big deal. This whole thing, this is my column. I speak out against society’s ills and champion the causes of justice and self-determination on a weekly basis. Pretty freakin’ cool right? Yeah, I get that a lot. \nI guess it’s no surprise. You know, the Pope refuses to lead Friday morning services without reading my column over hot coffee brewed with holy water. I guess I don’t blame him, I do look like a statue of Adonis carved from gilded marble. I’ll let you in on a little secret, just between us: I can’t get enough of me either. My baby-blue eyes are haunting yet tranquil, like the opening to an undersea cavern, and highlight an uncommonly magnetic charm. Of course it’s my angelic writing style that captivates so many, as it has you my dear reader. \nBut you shouldn’t be fueling my fervid narcissism, so says San Diego State University professor Jean Twenge, the author of “Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable Than Ever Before.” She and her four-person team found that today’s college students have reached a record level of egomania based on a standardized index known as the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. Twenge’s team concludes that students exhibit “dishonesty and over-controlling and violent behaviors” with far greater regularity than previous generations. They “tend to lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism and favor self-promotion over helping others” according to CNN. \nAre you still with me? Oh, good. Don’t worry about keeping up with my peerless intellect, Stephen asks me to slow down too – that’s Hawking, by the way, we’re on a first-name basis. I only wish professor Twenge and I were so close. Unlike you and Stephen, she has no idea how dismal the world would be if I wasn’t special, if I was ordinary. Ordinary like you.\nImagine my artificially-tanned, collagen-sculpted six-pack abs replaced with your bloated 30-rack of Keystone Ice. It’d be absolute chaos. Who else but sinfully narcissistic college students with disposable income will pay $40 for the first season of “Flavor of Love”? My relationships may be “short-lived, at risk for infidelity, (and) lack emotional warmth,” according to the study, but my psychotic materialism is driving the economy. \nWhere it’s being driven isn’t really my problem. So as long as my $140 North Face jacket continues to match my $95 North Face backpack and $25 North Face headband, I’m too special to care. Now that the mechanisms of the market have been solidly established, all that’s left is to flutter aimlessly between seasonal trends. It’s called the “free” market so no one has to worry about it. \nCapitalism may have made us soft around the edges, but hasn’t that been the point since man invented the wheel? Maybe. I don’t care. It was the last generation that forgot where we were going, I’m just happy to be lost with a cell phone.
