Doggie Depression

Since the FDA approved Prozac in 1988, it seems like Americans have become more depressed each year. No one’s exactly sure why it’s happening, but it looks like SSRIs are causing depression, not treating it. It’s almost as if a prescription to Prozac causes depression. \nOf course, this isn’t always the case because many people are truly clinically depressed. But the American Psychiatric Association recently found that at least 1 in 4 people treated for depression have been misdiagnosed.\nToday, doctors are becoming ever more hesitant to prescribe antidepressants, and when they do, it’s often a generic version of the original fluoxetine chemical. As a result, Eli Lilly’s Prozac profit well has all but dried up. As a result, the pharmaceutical giant is creating some suspect products.\nImagine someone said to you: “I’ve got a great new product that will make us billions! First, I’m going to buy a pack of cigarettes, and then dip them into beef flavored Ramen noodle broth.” You’d probably walk away and try to forget such a ridiculous conversation, but let’s say the man followed you. “When the beef-infused cigarettes dry, I’ll repackage them and sell the carton for unconscionable amounts of money. I’ll call them ‘Cigeye Steaks.’”\n“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” you’d probably say, “Now get away from me before I call the police.”\nBecause he’s crazy, he’d naturally ask, “Why?” \n“Because you’re scaring me!”\n“What about Cigeye Steaks?”\n“No one would buy them! ‘Cigeye Steaks’ are all the worst parts of cigarettes except they taste like an Extra Value Meal.” \nWell, the joke’s on you. Dog owners would buy them. Apparently. Probably the same ones who would order Reconcile, Eli Lilly’s pioneering new cure to “canine separation disorder.” It’s called CSD, by the way, because “doggie depression” makes people think there might be a nitrous oxide leak at the Lilly building. “Research shows that 10.7 million, or up to 17 percent of U.S. dogs suffer from separating anxiety,” said Steve Connell, manager of technical, academic and consumer services for companion animal health at Lilly. \nIn case you’re wondering if your Beagle is bipolar, the symptoms of CSD manifest when a dog is left home alone and include: “destruction, excess vocalization and inappropriate behavior,” according to the same press release. In other words, if your dog chews on things, barks at strangers, or urinates on the carpet – basically, if your dog is a dog – then it should be on a Reconcile diet. \nThere’s been debate about whether pharmaceutical companies are manufacturing illnesses to match the effects of their drugs. Since Canine Separation Disorder is essentially the clinical diagnosis of being a bad dog, I think Eli Lilly’s Reconcile has definitively settled the debate with a resounding woof in the affirmative.