'Prophet'-able

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privileged honor to inform you that the four-year-old conflict in Iraq is finally over. Unlike World War II, victory was not achieved by a monumental leap in technological progress, nor did public outrage force a change in foreign policy as in Vietnam. No, this new kind of war required a new kind of weapon: happy thoughts. Incredible, but true, the happy thoughts from almost six million owners of “The Secret” have also fully reversed the effects of global climate change, and have driven my puppy’s cancer into full remission.\n“The Secret” is a guide to eternal happiness, spiritual balance, and most importantly, material wealth – primarily for the book’s publisher, but never mind that. It is available in faux-parchment hardcover for readers, and a 90-minute DVD for the hopelessly lonely, closet-alcoholic, stay-at-home moms who don’t have time for books, but do have time for Oprah (on which it has been featured twice). \nThe Australian TV producer turned New Age prophet, Rhonda Byrne, insists that the world, nay the universe, functions according to the “law of attraction,” a force always operating on you, with you or at you (it’s never clear which) to create the reality that you imagine being true. \nFanatical truthiness, essentially. “As you learn ‘The Secret,’” Byrne says, “you will come to know how you can have, be or do anything you want.” With proper training and $23.95 cash or charge, no CODs or personal checks, you can create a perfect world.\nUsing Byrne’s technique positive thoughts are manifested as the keys to a BMW seven-series with sport package, leather trim and premium audio system. There’s a catch, but it’s a small price to pay for the ancient wisdom of the historical elites. Negative thoughts may, in rare instances, cause parasitic worm larvae to feed on your spinal tissue before laying eggs in your brain. But then, once you learn “The Secret,” you can close your eyes and wish away your worms like the prophet did – peace be upon her.\nIn 2004 she suffered through a horrible crisis but was reborn after reading about the ancient powers in a book published in the mystical year 1910. Empowered, she willed herself to realize that people will buy anything as long as there’s no guarantee it’ll work, since then Byrne’s made millions, and it’ll work for you too. According to an interview with the Christian Science Monitor, thousands of buyers have sent Byrne “stories of miracles” a success rate of roughly one in 6,000. That’s better than the lottery. Anything from a tapeworm to free gas can be yours if you think about it hard enough, unless of course you’re just thinking wrong, which is no fault of the prophet. \nNow don’t think that Byrne’s success is merely coincidence. Call it misguided, if you must, superstitious, or simply delusional because there’s no credible proof that “The Secret” is real, but that doesn’t make it any less effective. I just wished this column were done.