Editor’s note: The contents of this column are intended for satirical and entertainment purposes and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the IDS or its staffers. The scenarios mentioned are fictional.
The IU Philosophy Department welcomed distinguished undergraduate lecturer and self-described metaphysician Theseus Jenkins from College University on Tuesday in the Indiana Memorial Union Federal Room.
He spoke to students about his latest paper on the persistence of identity, or what makes an object or person the same over time.
In the paper, Jenkins argued for the “same parts, same object” principle. It states two objects are the same if both are made of identical parts. A single object remains the same as long as none of its parts change.
Jenkins said he was motivated to study and write about the persistence of identity when the Bureau of Motor Vehicles denied him ownership of his car, a 1998 Suzuki Esteem. After he replaced the tires, the BMV noted the vehicle under Jenkins’ name no longer existed.
“At first, I was surprised, but the BMV was right,” Jenkins said. “Its logic was airtight.”
When he discovered the BMV’s solid metaphysical reasoning, he wondered what other objects, or people, might vanish from existence under similar rules. That’s when he decided to write his paper.
The BMV dilemma also inspired Jenkins to apply the principle to other areas of his life.
During the lecture, Jenkins recounted an argument he had with a friend three months ago. He borrowed $20 from them and spent it on a haircut. The next week, he removed his appendix because he didn’t need it to survive.
“Occam’s razor taught me to shave away unnecessary details, and I think that applies to organs, as well,” Jenkins said.
Jenkins met with his friend after weeks on the mend. When the friend asked Jenkins to repay the $20, he refused, arguing he wasn’t the same person who borrowed the money.
IU student Dave Fume took his hand away from his chin and stated his own theory after Jenkins called the lecture a “conversation.” To Fume, the self is a bundle of changing perceptions and there is no persistent identity.
“I believe the person who wrote my latest paper and the student sitting here are two different bundles, so I shouldn’t be held responsible for my bad grade,” he said.
IU student Johnny Lock then chimed in, offering a different view. He said identity over time depends on remembering your past actions.
“I don’t remember hurling a chicken tender at my calculus teacher in Wells, so that wasn’t me,” he said.
Jenkins briefly acknowledged these points and went on to discuss his reasoning in the paper. By appealing to the “Same Parts, Same Object” principle, one avoids the problem of determining when identity is lost.
“For philosophers, it’s hard to tell whether replacing 10 or 50 tiles on the floor makes it a different surface,” he said. “I’m struggling to determine if my mother-in-law is the same person after all her plastic surgeries.”
Jenkins paused to think. He told the lecture that, if minor changes can alter identity, one should perhaps reconsider everyday moral or legal responsibilities.
Before he could conclude, a Sugar & Spice Bakery employee stormed into the Federal Room and called out Jenkins for stealing pastries. That’s when he reached into his suit pocket and pulled out an electric razor to absolve himself.
“Different parts, different person,” he said, as a high-pitched buzz filled the room.
Joaquin Baerga (he/him) is a junior studying journalism.
