Editor’s note: The contents of this column are intended for satirical and entertainment purposes and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the IDS or its staffers. The scenarios mentioned are fictional.
Rumors circulated across campus that a member of the Quaid acting family would attend the Indiana University Little 500 men’s race.
While unconfirmed, many students and faculty members told the Indiana Daily Stupid they assumed the race would host Dennis Quaid for his role in “Breaking Away,” the 1979 coming-of-age film set in Bloomington.
The main character, Dave Stohler (Dennis Christopher), leads his group of high school friends to compete in Little 500. Quaid plays Mike, the protective, cynical leader of the group.
Students described the suspected booking as “totally on theme,” but some were skeptical about how Quaid’s appearance would reflect on the university.
IU sophomore Kim Kelley was particularly upset. She found it shocking the university would celebrate “Breaking Away” while ignoring “recent developments” surrounding Quaid’s public image.
“I just don’t know why IU would invite an actor like Dennis Quaid,” she said. “The shrimp scene from ‘The Substance’ made me gag and turn the TV off.”
The scene from the 2024 film includes graphic sound effects and uncomfortable close-ups of Quaid’s character biting off shrimp heads.
Others looked past Quaid’s on-screen seafood mutilation and held “Breaking Away” watch parties.IU freshman Tom Wells cited “Breaking Away” as one of his favorite films, giving it the second spot in his Letterboxd Top 4. He also noted parallels between “Breaking Away” and his favorite film.
“To me, it’s the quintessential underdog sports story,” he said. “I also think it’s cool how it has a quarry scene like my number one movie of all time, ‘Grown Ups 2.’”
The IU Auditorium website included a not-so-cryptic message about the appearance on the Little 500 event page, stating the men’s race would welcome “an actor whose last name rhymes with paid.” Posters and billboards around campus also hinted at hosting an “award-winning film star from Houston, Texas.”
Within hours, campus organizations began capitalizing on Quaid’s visit to Bloomington. IUSTV’s “Bloomington Breakfast Club” moved from reporting on rumors to previewing “Dennis Quaid is as Indiana as a Pork Tenderloin,” while writers at “Not Too Late” began drafting sketches, treating his appearance as a confirmed part of Little 500 festivities.
On Saturday, Bill Armstrong Stadium was half-lit.
Students lined the bleachers, hyping up their racer friends and battling over who had the funniest borg name. The anticipation for Quaid’s arrival, however, was lukewarm. A group of students, raucously drunk on Hoosier Lager, also started a bonfire that spread over half the stadium.
The Bloomington Fire Department promptly sprang into action, putting out the fire with a supply of lemonade from a nearby concessions stand.
High-pitched feedback cut through the Marching Hundred’s 32nd loop of “Indiana, Our Indiana.” IU President Pamela Whitten stood in the middle of the field with a microphone. Behind her, a tall man wearing an IU baseball cap and candy-striped shorts.
Students began pointing at the Jumbotron. Some cheered as Whitten stepped aside to reveal the race’s special guest. When the camera zoomed in, applause flagged; Randy Quaid waved once.
He’s known for his roles as Cousin Eddie in the “National Lampoon’s Vacation” series and Cappy von Trapment in “The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle.”
Whitten said the visit was seen as a natural, cost-effective way of providing students with the “Quaid experience.” The crowd greeted him with confusion and tepid applause.
According to university officials, both Dennis Quaid and his son Jack were considered for the appearance. However, both required amounts of money outside the approved range of expenditure.
Randy Quaid was then selected as the most economically viable option.
Students were disappointed. One began booing before quickly trailing off after nobody joined.
Whitten thanked Randy for coming and gestured vaguely toward the track. He stood quietly with a strained smile. For a moment, it looked like he would say something, but he never did.
IU senior Ben Foster looked up from his phone, puzzled.
“So that’s what he looks like now?” he asked. Foster looked back down at his phone and continued scrolling on Instagram reels, waiting for the race to begin.
Nobody else reacted.
Randy Quaid waved once more.
Joaquin Baerga (he/him) is a junior studying journalism.
