Do you suffer from perennial disappointment? Do you feel like a visitor in your nearly empty home Paul Brown Stadium? Do you spend your nights gingerly stroking a Ken Anderson trading card from the mid-’70s?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a fan of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Bengals loyalism affects thousands throughout southwest Ohio every day. All too often, the harsh December winter strips morale from these poor men and women, replacing it with questionable hires and empty promises.
But that masochistic cycle of false optimism and crushing reality need not continue. For a beautiful black and orange tomorrow, talk to your general manager about drafting Joe Burrow today.
In a landscape of generational talents, Burrow stands as the premiere quarterback prospect. With active ingredients like pocket presence and deep ball accuracy, he can grant relief to your festering sore of a franchise in no time.
Burrow has been proven to increase explosivity and boost scoring efficiency in chronically fatigued offenses. Even Louisiana State University, a program that for a decade seemed to deny the existence of the forward pass, was given new life by Burrow.
Through 15 trials with the Tigers, Burrow’s production was unrivaled, outperforming other leading market competitors Tua Tagovailoa and Jalen Hurts.
Burrow has shown the ability to rejuvenate one's career. Just ask LSU head coach Ed Orgeron, who was once marred by the reputation of a commander who couldn’t contend with the big dogs in his conference.
“I remember sitting on the sofa at my house watching SEC games, going ‘I know I can compete with these guys given the right place,’” he said.
That place was Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Though Orgeron’s tenure once involved annual embarrassment by the University of Alabama, a steady dose of Burrow propelled him to 2019’s Associated Press Coach of the Year award.
While a self-professed weakness for calorie-laden Cajun delicacies could eventually yield concerns for Orgeron, the health of his team is unquestionable.
“We wouldn’t be here without Joe Burrow,” Orgeron said.
Burrow is most potent when administered alongside a revolutionary offensive tactician such as passing coordinator Joe Brady. A roster rich in NFL-caliber wideouts is also likely to enhance Burrow’s efficacy.
Side effects of consuming Burrow include adrenaline spikes and raised heart rate from circus-act throws and mind-boggling athletic feats. Loss of sleep may occur on Sunday and Monday nights when the Bengals are inevitably placed in an overhyped prime time matchup which they stand no chance of winning.
Exercise caution when obsessively combing through your Burrow-led fantasy football lineup, as repeated scrolling can contribute to carpal tunnel syndrome.
Those who choose Burrow might develop bloated, unrealistic hopes.
Consult your front office immediately if you experience an unprecedented dropoff in quarterback rating or a disruption of locker room chemistry, as these are clear signs of a draft bust.
Burrow is not intended for use in conjunction with an inadequate coaching staff. He is not a substitute for a complete offensive line nor an actual game plan.
After taking Burrow, wait at least eight games before operating with heavy expectations. Failure to do so will worsen the risk of letdown and heartbreak.
Stop living with ineptitude on the sidelines and mediocrity on the field. It is time to reclaim from the Cleveland Browns the coveted next-to-last spot in the AFC North. With Burrow on your depth chart, a blowout loss in the first round of the playoffs is just a few seasons away.
Joe Burrow. Because if not him, “who dey” think will make the Bengals remotely watchable?
