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COLUMN: Kinsey Confidential answers question about sex in marriage

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My wife does not want to have sex. We’re both virgins. In the beginning, my wife was afraid of having sex. Now she just says she does not want to have sex. What can we do? Also, I masturbate 2-3 times every day. Is that normal?

The experience of a married couple not having penile-vaginal intercourse during the first few weeks of marriage is often referred to, at least in the scientific literature, as an “unconsummated marriage.” 

However, not all cultures define it this way. For example, it has been noted that in Orthodox Jewish communities, there is not necessarily a specific time frame during which intercourse must occur, but if there is an absence of sex and it bothers the couple, then it may be considered an unconsummated marriage that would benefit from support and/or counseling.

Research related to unconsummated marriage suggests that it is more common among couples from conservative religious backgrounds. Also, there seem to be a variety of factors that make unconsummated marriage more likely. For example, one study of 191 individuals in Egypt found that physical causes, such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or vaginismus, were rarely at the root of unconsummated marriage, and that it was more likely that one or both spouses felt significant performance anxiety.

A summary of clinical work with Orthodox Jewish couples, and other research examining couples from various cultures, also emphasizes that a lack of basic information about genitals, sexuality and how intercourse works can interfere with the sexual activity of a newly married couple. 

As examples, I have several sex therapist colleagues who have shared stories of couples that did not know that a penis should be erect prior to vaginal penetration, or that thrusting or at least some level of in-and-out movement was a common part of intercourse. Other couples don’t have a sense of where the vaginal opening is. It’s also the case that some women feel particularly afraid of vaginal penetration to the point that they panic at the thought of it and find any kind of vaginal insertion painful if not impossible. These women may be diagnosed with a condition called vaginismus, or, more recently, genito-pelvic/pain penetration disorder (GPPPD). 

Because it’s unclear why your wife is not interested in sex — possibly fear, an absence of desire, or an absence of education or comfort — and yet you seem to want to understand more about her feelings and possibly get to a place in your marriage at which you both want to have sex with one another, it might be helpful to make an appointment with a sex therapist. 

You can find one through the Society for Sex Therapy and Research or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. If you live outside of the United States, you might start by connecting with your local sexology or sex therapy societies, if there are ones available to you. Otherwise, a gynecologist or urologist may be able to help. 

As for your question about masturbation, no, it is not unusual to masturbate every day or almost every day – perhaps especially for men who are relatively young or who are not otherwise having other kinds of sex, such as intercourse or oral sex. That’s not to say that masturbation is necessarily more common among people who are not having partnered sex, although sometimes it is. Rather, masturbation can complement an exciting and active partnered sex life.

Findings from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) indicate that about one in five American men between 18 and 29 masturbate at least four times a week. Masturbation is common behavior for both males and females and is not harmful or unhealthy. 

In fact, many people find that masturbation, in addition to simply feeling good, helps them to relieve sexual tension, relax or fall asleep. Best wishes to you and your wife as you get to know one another better, strengthen your intimate connection and perhaps connect with a therapist or doctor who can help you communicate about possibilities for your sexual life.

Kinsey Confidential is part of a joint partnership between the IU School of Public Health-Bloomington (IU SPH) and The Kinsey Institute. The column is written by Dr. Debby Herbenick, professor in the IU SPH. Read past Q&A or submit your own question at KinseyConfidential.org. Follow us on Twitter @KinseyCon  

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