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Star Wars - The Reviews Awaken

Full-color painted concept treatment for Star Wars "Vehicles" poster, 1978. (p. 36-37) Image from the book -  Star Wars Art: Posters; By LucasFilm Ltd., foreword by Drew Struzan, Introduction by Roger Kastel. (C) 2014 LucasFilm Ltd. And TM. All Rights Reserved. Used Under Authorization. Cr: Noriyoshi Ohrai / LucasFilm
Full-color painted concept treatment for Star Wars "Vehicles" poster, 1978. (p. 36-37) Image from the book - Star Wars Art: Posters; By LucasFilm Ltd., foreword by Drew Struzan, Introduction by Roger Kastel. (C) 2014 LucasFilm Ltd. And TM. All Rights Reserved. Used Under Authorization. Cr: Noriyoshi Ohrai / LucasFilm

Episode IV - A New Hope

A new hope for a review

Grade: B

Let’s start with a definitive fact.

“Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope” is a good movie.

I knew the general gist of the plot going into the film, due to “Spaceballs” and “Family Guy” making references throughout their respective plots, but I was still impressed by the mechanics and all of the thought that went into it. The action sequences were entertaining and sprawling, even though the film was created in 1977.

In fact, the movie’s simplicity in fighting and battle sequences was a pleasant break from the quick cuts and shaky-cam that have become so prevalent in modern cinema. A quick question: What happened to the stormtroopers’ aim? These minions of the Empire were shooting like Steph Curry in the opening sequence and hitting everything in sight, yet once a protagonist came along every shot was off by miles, as if Nick Young were taking a last second full-court heave.

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Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

The review strikes back

Grade: B+

We’re slowly improving.

“Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back” is assuredly a better film than the original. There’s a better rapport between the characters, more fascinating ideological quandaries and the action sequences are better scripted and put together.

With that said, the first 30 minutes of the movie are useless. We have to watch Han and Leia make googly eyes at each other, whilst the abominable snowman from “Monster’s Inc.” that makes snow cones attacks Luke.

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Episode VI - Return of the Jedi

Return of the review

Grade: A-

Perhaps it was Stockholm syndrome or just the fact “Star Wars” has broken me as a human being, but I really enjoyed “Star Wars: Episode VI — Return of the Jedi”. After watching the newest trilogy and pondering how painful it would be to pull out my eyeballs, I feel as if this entire saga was worth it as I finally saw a movie good enough to live up to the hype that everyone has been screeching at me during the past, oh, 20 years of my existence.

The film, directed by Richard Marquand, was an exhilarating watch that had plot, character development and intriguing fight scenes. The reason I emphasize Marquand’s name is because George Lucas did his darndest to destroy the movie with pointless CGI and more Hayden Christensen.

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Episode I - The Phantom Menace

The menacing review

Grade: D+ (I guess)

As I finished “Star Wars V” and planned ahead for when to watch the subsequent film, I received some advice. “Watch the sixth movie last, get some backstory from the second trilogy and finish the saga with perhaps the best film of them all.”

Because I have no prior knowledge and I’m a sheep, I followed these instructions and jumped into the first film without a clue of what was to come.

With all of that said, I’m so confused.

“Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” is a movie designed specifically with children in mind. It follows a basic story structure that is digestible no matter what age. It includes many characters, sounds and elements that could just as easily have been observed in a Looney Tunes cartoon.

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Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Attack of the review

Grade: F (No, No, NO)

Let’s get down to brass tacks right away. That was brutal.

Not brutal like ha-ha Michael Bay is having those two dogs fornicate in the foreground of a battle scene between two fighting robots. Brutal like I’m losing the will to live and goddamn there’s still another hour left.

“Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones” supposedly has a 142 minute running time, but I feel like two months would be more accurate. I gave both of the original films, IV and V, reviews in the B-range but compared to this travesty, they are “Citizen Kane.”

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Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Revenge of the review

Grade: D-

Well, that was a slog.

After watching the first two movies of the original trilogy, I found myself jumping into the latest saga. Episodes I, II and III aren’t just bad, they’re abysmal. I would use the term “underwhelming” but that doesn’t seem like a strong enough word. It took me multiple sittings to finish “Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith” and this is coming from a person who watched “Boyhood” in one go.

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